Christian Counselor Directory Blog

Validating one’s partner is an artful skill that is essential to creating and maintaining intimacy in committed relationships. When I discuss how partners can validate one another in my office, however, I have found that much of the time couples aren’t sure what it is or how to do it. Today, I’d like to take a break from exploring protective patterns in couple relationships and consider how couples can validate each other’s feelings.

So what is validation, anyway? When you validate your partner, you are essentially saying, “I see how you are feeling. Your feelings are important to me, and it’s okay that you feel that way.” Everyone has a different subjective experience, and partners in distress experience painful emotions for all sorts of reasons. What’s hurtful to one partner may not be to another. Although you may not feel hurt, your partner’s pain is very real to him. Validation is all about recognizing your partner’s feelings and valuing them as a part of his subjective experience.

“But I don’t agree with her. How can I validate her feelings?” Validating your partner is not the same as agreeing with her. Your partner’s perspective and emotions regarding the issue at hand will differ from yours, and that’s a good thing. If you can listen to each other with curiosity and openness, you may learn something new about each other and come closer to resolving your concern.

Couples (and families, for that matter) get into trouble when they invalidate each other’s feelings. Often, partners don’t mean to do it, but when arguments turn into conflicts, it’s common to hear statements like these:

• “We haven’t spent much time together? How can you say that? We had date night last week and we went out for lunch over the weekend.”
• “Come on, don’t cry. You’re always crying.”
• “You’re overreacting. Why are you getting so angry about something so small?”
• “How can you be angry that I’m late? I’ve been home on time every other night this week.”
• “Why can’t you let this go?”

As you can see, there are many ways to invalidate your partner’s feelings. So what steps can you take toward validating your partner?

1) Recognize your partner’s feelings. When your partner says, for instance, “I wish we spent more time together,” or, “I’m concerned about our finances,” he’s really saying, “I feel alone in this relationship,” and, “I’m scared.” Look behind the complaint for the feelings. Your partner needs to know that you see his pain and that it matters to you. Instead of reacting defensively, which will probably invalidate your partner, try acknowledging his emotions. “I can see you miss me. It’s hard when we’re apart, isn’t it?”

2) Be empathically curious about your partner’s feelings. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and ask questions. The goal here is to try to understand your partner’s emotional experience and why she is feeling that way. When you show genuine interest in your partner’s feelings, you show her that you truly value her and are present with her, which will go miles toward defusing conflict.

3) Normalize your partner’s feelings based on his history. Knowing that someone else would probably feel similarly in the same situation will likely ease your partner’s painful feelings. “I know you’re anxious that I was late and didn’t call. I think I would be anxious too.”

Don’t stop there, though. Find out why it makes sense that your partner feels the way he does based on his life experience, especially his relationships with his parents as a child. “Oh, I think I understand now. When I didn’t call, you felt alone and abandoned, just like you did when your Mom used to work such long hours when you were young? Is that it?”

Sound far-fetched? Trust me, it’s not. Couples are drawn to one another because they unconsciously want to resolve important emotional issues from childhood, and couple relationships have a way of evoking very familiar and very painful feelings.

Jeremy Mast

What are your kids like at home? Do they laugh and play? Are they respectful and fun to be around? Or, are they whiney, and grumpy and fighting with each other all the time?

There are a lot of reasons why children behave the way they do, but one thing to check when your kids are acting in ways that stress you out is, "Are you stressed out already?"  

Whatever emotions we are carrying around with us, our kids pick up on them, distort or amplify them slightly, and reflect them back, like a funhouse mirror.

If you are feeling job stress, or relationship stress, or simply dread that you have to deal with your grumpy, whiney kids, it will add to having to care for grumpy whiney kids.

First, take care of yourself! Take note of your internal thoughts and feelings and intentionally change them for the better.  Take a deep breath.  Think of the things you are thankful for.  Spend some time in prayer, or meditation.  Go for a walk.  Do something to get yourself in a positive space and you will find that, although it may not solve all the attitude issues with your kids, it will make a positive difference.

The next step is to set limits with your kids so they don't bring you back to that stressed-out place.  Just remember, it is okay to take care of yourself.  If you don't, you will ultimately have nothing left to give others.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”  – I Corinthians 13:4-8

The statistics on marriage state that the average first time marriage in the US lasts about 8 years. Let’s think about that for a minute. Who would buy a house that was expected to last only 8 years? Or who would invest in a company that was expected to last only 8 years? As a culture, we seem to have higher expectations for houses and business than we do for important relationships like marriage. A major reason cited for this alarming statistic is “we fell out of love.”

One of the reasons people “fall out of love” is that they were not really ‘in love” in the first place. What they had was infatuation, which is very different than love but very easily confused. It’s like the difference between gold and pyrite, otherwise known as “fool’s gold.” Gold is very valuable and pyrite is not. With gold, you can make rings, necklaces and all sorts of other beautiful things. Our wedding bands are gold and have lasted 31 years and will outlast us. On the other hand, there is little value in pyrite. It looks like gold, shimmers like gold, but its not really gold. Just as pyrite is deceptive, so is infatuation. It looks like love and feels like love,but it’s not. Just as jewelry made with pirate won’t last, marriages built on infatuation do not endure.

Infatuation is that stage in a relationship where you think the other person is perfect, and you do not see their flaws. You feel wonderful just being around them and can’t wait to see them again. Thoughts of this person keep you up at night and make you feel happy all over. Infatuation causes the brain to be flooded with dopamine which creates the euphoric feelings of love. Many marriages do not last past the 8 year mark because they do not make the transition from infatuation to true love. This necessary transition takes maturity and hard work. Our marriage was initially based upon infatuation, and by the time the 8 year mark hit, we had a great deal of stress that did not exist when the infatuation began. We had careers, bills to pay, two kids and a mortgage. Infatuation cannot stand this type of pressure, but love can. In order for our relationship to go from infatuation to true love and thrive, we had to get lots of help and take a more spiritual approach.

Of course it’s fun to see infatuation when a couple is dating; we love to see couples who are very happy together. But we like it even more when they are truly in love.

Love, as you have discovered by now, is a confusing concept. What most people do not understand is that love is a feeling and also a choice. The English language has many strengths, but explaining love is not one of them. English limits us with one word to describe our affection for our favorite food and our spouse. The Greek language, on the other hand, has 4 different words for different types of love. A healthy marriage will haveeros, the physical attraction and sex, and phileo, which is friendship. But for a marriage to be healthy, vibrant and strong enough to endure the pressures of life, it must have agape, which is unconditional love.

So many marriages fail because the marriage is based upon the condition that they live up to each others expectations. Individually, they will focus on getting their own needs met rather than meeting the needs of their spouse. Agape love is not about performance and what the other person does for you; it is selfless and focuses on meeting and understanding your spouse’s needs. Agape love is the type of love God has for us; it is giving and sacrificial. Agape love is the type of love God calls us to have when He says to “Love your neighbor as yourself.” There is no good future in a selfish type of love.

So, if you want to increase the quality of your marriage and the chances of it lasting “till death to us part,” you need to learn how to have agapelove. As God says in I Corinthians 13, “love never fails.”

If your marriage lacks this type of love, seek professional help from a counselor, your church, or one of the many good books on marriage. We would not be writing this if we did not learn the value of unconditional love. After 31 years, we have no regrets for the changes we made to get to this point and look forward to many more years together as our love continues to grow.

Monte Drenner, LMHC, CAP

PSYCHOTHERAPY IS A GREAT INVESTMENT IN YOURSELF! 
Successful psychotherapy requires only a competent therapist and a motivated client. One of the major benefits of successful therapy is increased happiness.

Happiness is desirable in its own right.  But here are some other benefits of happiness you may not know:

-According to actual studies happy people live, on average, 7 1/2 years longer than unhappy people.  And that’s on average.  You may get much more than that.

-Happy people work much better with others.

-Happy people fix problems instead of complain about them.

-Happy people have more energy.

-Happy people are more optimistic.

-Happy people are more motivated.

-Happy people are sick less often.

-Happy people learn faster.  They are, in effect, smarter.

-Happy people worry less about making mistakes and therefore make fewer mistakes.

-Happy people make better decisions.

-Happy people are more attractive to others.  Remember, you don’t attract what you want, you attract what you are.

Mitchell Harris