Christian Counselor Directory Blog

I cannot believe I am writing this letter. Two weeks ago, I discovered suspicious looking e-mails written by my wife to a man at her work. What I found were dozens and dozens of love letters, many containing very explicit sexual content. Yes, my wife had been having an affair with a guy at work for almost a year. She says she is very sorry and has ended the relationship. I am devastated, angry and afraid. I can’t imagine ever feeling secure in this relationship again. We have two beautiful children. Can we ever get past this?

Signed: Devastated in Stillwater.

Dear Devastated: My heart goes out to you and your wife. An affair is a tsunami to a marriage. The damage is incomprehensible. While it will be hard work, the good news is that it has been estimated that two-thirds of marriages survive affairs. My guess is that of those that survive, far too many eventually sweep the affair under the rug and never really deal with it. Try not to make that mistake. Trust and affection can be restore

I think you have two major tasks. One is recovering from the affects of the affair and two is taking a hard look at your marriage itself. Be honest. How strong was your marriage before this happened? I would like to be very clear on one point. The state of your marriage prior to the affair does not justify your wife’s decision to have an affair. The previous marriage condition is never an excuse for that. But after helping couples in postaffair recovery for some time, I’ve never seen a great close marriage in existence prior to an affair. I always see years of decay.

Recovery will take time. I’ve seen estimates that it takes two years to process through all the issues. Take a look at the website www.dearpeggy.com. There is a ton of information about affair recovery and support groups. A great book on the topic is After The Affair by Janis Spring. Its important that you understand what is happening to you and your wife as you recover. Your wife feels a sense of relief that the burden of her secret has been lifted. She feels intense guilt and shame and is ready to be forgiven and move on. You on the other hand have just awakened to find that the world is not what you thought it was. You are just adjusting to this new reality. Your brain is trying to make sense out of a world that was not what it seemed. You likely have a million questions. You will think of a day when she came home late from work and wonder if that was one of the times they met. I think your wife should be prepared to have patience and answer all of your questions. That will be hard for her. It will get old in a hurry. But part of restoring trust with you is being willing to tell you the truth. My suggestion to you is that you ask general questions but don’t get into gory details. There are certain images that you do not want to plant in your mind. The first three months will be very hard for both of you. But it does get better.

The second task is to take an objective look at your marriage. It will be easier to do this in a few months. I suggest you consider a marriage weekend like Retrouvaille or Marriage Encounter. I just love the title of this book: My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me by Anne Bercht. She is careful to add that it was also the hardest thing and for a while she thought she might not to be able to get through it. But the point is they did more than just recover. They rebuilt their marriage. So can you.

Let me close by saying this. God is bigger than the problems in your marriage. Pray for hope. Learn how to forgive. A healed marriage is the greatest gift you can give your children and you.

Christian Heart Counseling

Teens are moody, they get sad, and they are reserved. But “depressed” is not a word to use lightly. Understand that Depression is a clinically diagnosed illness, and it may have nothing to do with outside circumstances. Andrew Solomon, author of The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression, wrote, “Grief is depression in proportion to circumstance; depression is grief out of proportion to circumstance.” This means that the feeling of depression is so overpowering, it feels entirely out of context to what is happening around you, and you may feel as though you are grieving when there is nothing, externally, to grieve about. The brilliant poet and author, Sylvia Plath, was successful in her career, had a beautiful young daughter, and a husband she loved, but her suicide is well-documented: she stuck her head into an oven one day and gassed herself to death. One of her most famous quotes is "Is there no way out of the mind?"

Common Symptoms

If your teenager is exhibiting certain changes in sleeping and eating patterns, irritability, uncharacteristic quietness, frequent crying, lethargy, and a general air of sadness, it’s important to keep an eye on them and document their moods and actions. If these signs persist for more than two weeks, contact a specialist who has the qualifications to correctly diagnose your child, as well as a medical practitioner who can rule out other possibilities. They may require medication, or therapy, or even a combination of both. A therapist that specializes in teen therapy can help you understand your teen and their depression.  Understanding how depression is affecting your teen can help improve your relationship. Teen therapy can help with teaching your teen how to cope with depression.

Side-Effects

Due to depression, your teen’s grades may be falling; they may lose interest in their friends and other social activities, and may be spending more and more time in isolation. Finding a new peer group, or engaging in new and dangerous activities like sneaking out are probably not signs of depression, because a depressed person has no energy to even get out of bed and dress every day. Depression, however, can lead to drug abuse or alcohol consumption in order to numb the mental anguish, and left untreated could lead to suicidal thoughts and self-harm. People don’t die of suicide, they die of sadness; and depression is a sadness so great it takes over every aspect of your life and grows around you like a vine.

Parents can help the most by not shrugging off depression as moodiness, and not blame themselves or their children. If you see signs of depression, talk to your teen and try to understand what they say, and also what they aren’t saying. Seek help, and just be there for your child, even if you don’t know what to do. 

Jennie Marie Norgaard
LMFT

329 W. Wetherly Dr, 206
Beverly HIlls, California, US
90211

Today I am feeling the need for some things in life to be black and white. In fact I believe that some things are – like gravity for instance. If you jump, you will return to the earth. Black and white statements are an important part of discovering the truth about ourselves and our surroundings. Sometimes it’s important to check in with ourselves regarding the black and white. I am married. I am a woman. I am alive. It’s amazing how just writing those three statements about myself was affirming of me in ways that have nothing to do with how I feel about being alive, female and married.

No doubt life has multiple shades of gray along with millions of possible color combinations. But today, I don’t need to know if density will effect the rate at which I approach the pavement if I choose to jump. Today all I need to know is that gravity does exist.

If you’re having a black and white kind of day, here is a fun exercise to take note of your life the way it is. inspire some gratitude, and have at least a handful of things that you can know are true regardless of what color glasses you happen to be wearing today.

AmyRuth Bartlett

MA, LPC, NCC

201 S Skinker Blvd

St Louis, Missouri, US
63105