Christian Counselor Directory Blog

I recently saw the movie "42" about Jackie Robinson's incredibly inspiring 1947 debut in the "white–only" major baseball league. African American reporter, Wendell Smith, is assigned to chronicle Robinson's experience and help him, especially when it comes to fielding questions from white reporters. Encouraging him to anticipate the questions ahead of time, to be ready for them, Smith says, "You know how when you're at the plate, you wanna see the ball come in slow? Well, you wanna see these questions come in slow, too."

It reminded me that there's a lot about life that comes at us fast. We move fast…text fast, eat fast, talk fast, work fast, and live fast. When we do this, we miss stuff—really important stuff. We miss moments of connection with a loved one. We miss the nuanced tone of voice when a friend says, "I'm fine," but they're really not. We miss the vulnerability stirring in our own hearts because it's uncomfortable, so we move on quickly. Too quickly.

Spend anytime on our weekends or in our groups and you may hear a gentle, "Slow down" or "Go slow". What does this look like? It may involve any or all of the following more than once:

• taking a deep breath
• talking more slowly
• lowering our tone of voice
• naming emerging emotions
• expressing those emotions

It's grounding to hear someone say "go slow" in a moment of pain or confusion. It gives us permission to not rush things and pull it all together, which is what we're used to doing because we or others are uncomfortable. It reminds us to connect to what's happening inside—what our hearts are telling us.

Each day I can make this choice. I can choose to go fast or slow down. In the slowing down I find more connection, more authenticity, and ultimately, more life. What will you choose today? I wanna see the ball come in slow.

What is Adultery?

Cheating, infidelity, or having an affair, is the act of being unfaithful to a committed relationship. Partners who engage in extramarital "online" affairs which can have similarly devastating effects on relationships are included here as well. Adultery does not simply happen “out of the blue”, although it may seem that way to the betrayed spouse. It is instead the eventual outcome of a long line of unresolved issues. Similar to an iceberg, the surface above the water is outward and visible, but underneath, there is much more than what is visible to the outside. While an affair is destructive to a relationship, it is a symptom of something much deeper that has been growing for much longer, signifying the end of a painful road. Counseling at this stage is vital if the relationship is going to be saved. And yes, the good news is that even after something as devastating  as infidelity, complete restoration is still possible.

My Husband or Wife Had An Affair

Adultery affects one in every 2.7 couples. According to a published report in the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, by the time we are 40, approximately 50% of all wives and 60% of all husbands, will have had some degree of extramarital affair. Author and psychologist, Dr. Phil McGraw, further estimates that only 35% of these affected couples will stay together. Despite this gloomy prognosis, there is life after adultery. Studies show that couples who have chosen to tough it out, seeking couples and or individual counseling, have the best chance of staying together.

Why Did My Partner Cheat?

When we commit to exclusivity to our relationship we make a moral and ethical contract to remain faithful. Unfortunately, when we make these promises, the relationship is often still new and the normal stresses of life have yet to take their toll. Then, when this initial honeymoon period is over, (perhaps the bills are mounting, the job is more demanding then ever and child number two is on its way.) We begin to ask ourselves, “What happened?” There is no doubt the relationship dynamics change over time; they have to in order to accommodate the natural progression of family life. The problem arises however, when we forget to adapt to these changes, more specifically, to each other’s needs as they relate to the changing relationship. Contrary to what you may think, adultery is not merely about sex. In fact, sex is often a bonus to the affair. Adultery and betrayal are about emotional connectedness, the feeling of being wanted, needed, understood, and more importantly, heard. To those on the receiving end however, adultery is a selfish betrayal of trust that brings with it devastating consequences.

Surviving An Affair

The betrayal of adultery cuts much deeper than a simple broken vow. Some experts link the experience to that of physical and emotional abuse. Spouses who have been cheated on often suffer from anxiety, poor self-esteem, depression, humiliation, guilt, and a sense that somehow “it was their fault” or they “deserved it”, especially if the cheating continues. The longer the infractions persist, the deeper the couple falls into a recurring cycle. In the case of adultery, most spouses are eventually able to come to terms with the fact that their spouse cheated, not being able to let go of the memory and fear that it may happen again however, is what destroys most relationships. Trust is the foundation of any relationship and once that foundation is destroyed, it is very hard to rebuild unless both parties are willing to surrender to the fact that in reality, they have no control over what the other may or may not do. This comes full circle to the issue of trust, whether it is in your partner, yourself or something bigger than both of you. For most people, it seems easier to walk away from even a long-term relationship than it is to surrender and learn to develop trust again.  Even then, you must make this decision for the right reasons. In order for a relationship to survive, both partners have to make personal changes to their way of thinking and being. But what many people in this situation do not realize, is that there is hope and life after adultery, and surprisingly, the potential to have an even stronger relationship than before.

Moving Forward After An Affair

Moving past an affair is no easy task, but if both you and your partner are dedicated to working through the underlying issues through a competent counselor, the relationship has great hope for the future. Many partners can overcome this highest form of betrayal and be even stronger than before, however, it requires a commitment from both partners. Not all relationships make it. Sometimes the cheater may leave altogether, or the betrayed spouse may decide to walk away. Yet whether the betrayer or the betrayed, even if you decide to leave the relationship, you still need to deal with your own emotional scars so you don’t find yourself in a similar relationship. Values-Based counseling provides essential tools in the healing process. While adultery may be a life-altering experience, it doesn't have to define you or your future choices.

How Counseling Works After Infidelity

Infidelity is not something that occurs in a vacuum. Counseling address the issues in the relationship that led up to the affair. By the time infidelity occurs, there are many deep issues that have already been present for some time, and in order for healing to come, these issues must be addressed. While it is a serious problem in a relationship, infidelity is a symptom of a cluster of intimacy problems and  not the root problem. A competent Couples Counsellor looks to find those issues that brought the relationship to a place where an affair became an option. For couples to rebuild their relationship after adultery, counseling addresses the unmet needs and wants for both individuals. Getting past blame and hurt is a difficult, yet critical step in order for forgiveness and restoration to begin. We look at what is still works in a relationship and build on these components to work towards that forgiveness and restoration. While one person may commit the act of betrayal, adultery counseling is not about placing blame, but rather working towards restoration, forgiveness, and healing. We recognize that adultery creates such a volatile situation, that sometimes healing the relationship is not possible because one or both spouses have already made the decision to end the relationship. In those cases where restoration of the relationship is not possible, we commit ourselves to working with the individual to address feelings of hurt, guilt, insecurities, anxiety, loneliness, and other issues that result from the broken relationship. 

When individuals have the opportunity to resolve these experiences they are more able to move forward and prevent this hurt from affecting and hindering future relationships. Often, the individual who has been the victim of an affair is not ready to make the decision to stay or leave the relationship, so seeking help from a counselor for adultery works to identify and resolve emotions of helplessness, loss of control, and hurt.  If the couple wants to work through the hurt and betrayal, counseling focuses on communication skills, rebuilding trust, and developing goals for the future to direct the couple providing hope for the future and restored love and intimacy.

Counseling When Children Are Affected By Infidelity

When there are children, we work with the parents to develop a healthy co-parenting relationship that provides for the ongoing developmental needs so the children to have loving and healthy relationships with both their parents. Children who experience the breaking of trust in their family also need the opportunity to voice their feelings. Confusion and self-blame are common reactions from children as they think “I could have been better then mom/dad would not have left”. While the family unit may not be restored, a child’s ability to learn to trust again and develop security in their situation is vital for future development and growth.

Of course, anger is neither good nor bad. It is very useful in a number of ways e.g. a call to action in a crisis, the expression of courage in a conflict and as a warning sign in our bodies that “something” is wrong. But most of us experience anger in an explosive, shaming and negative way. Both as perpetrators of anger on others and when we experience it from others, raging, negative anger deeply wounds our hearts and tears down our relationships.

Rage, a better term for this kind of destructive anger, is a powerful force in human nature. Armed with a legal brief full of blame shifting justifications the raging person launches a verbal (and sometimes physical) assault on another, usually less powerful, person. The power difference can be physical (one is bigger/stronger than the other), positional (bosses to subordinates who might would get fired for taking an equal power stance) or emotional (intimidating personalities who emotionally strip dignity and honor from their victims).

Rageful anger is not a well thought through act by the perpetrator. The rageful perpetrator is usually unaware of the destructive forces being unleashed on their victims. When made aware of the pain they have inflicted, they will pull out defensive weapons of justification, blame, bringing up old offenses and “proving that the victim intended harm” so rage was the “only” possible response. In other words, the rageful person attempts to prove that the victim “deserves” the pain that rage inflicts upon them.

If you consistently rage, you are also at risk. There are serious health consequences for those who rage. Heart attacks are more likely. Strokes, abdominal pain, chest pain and jaw pain are more likely. Anxiety and addictions are more frequent. Divorce and estrangement from children and other important relationships result in isolation and loneliness all of which predict shorter life span.

Rageful anger is a life force that has no upside for the perpetrator, victim or society. Domestic violence keeps our police departments busy. The inability to control rage causes job loss, criminal prosecution and destruction of important relationships. There are no benefits to rage.

Fortunately, there are answers. There are programs and counseling that are successful to mitigate destructive anger responses. Anger Management Classes are available everywhere. A more private option is Anger Management focused individual and family counseling.  It is unlikely that a habitually rageful person will be able to “just say no” to rage. It usually takes outside support with specific change strategies for peace to replace the rage inside.

For victims of rage, it can be very difficult to effectively confront. Individual and family counseling can provide supported strategies to help spouses and children and employees of raging individuals to find safe havens from which they can heal and cope and effectively confront their perpetrators to get the help they need.

Without intervention, rageful anger tears at the fabric of society, families and the raging person themselves. It is a destructive force with no benefits. There are answers. Seeking anger management strategies from a specialist can bring peace to one’s life and relationships.

William D. Oldham, MDiv., LPC

 Last month the world mourned the death of Nelson Mandela, a man known for his understanding and practice of forgiveness in the face of injustice.

In 2010 I finished a three year dissertation research project on the topic of forgiveness.  I subsequently authored a book (including much of that research) on the topic (see Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart).  In addition to these academic pursuits I have wrestled with this topic in my personal experiences both on the offending side and as one who has been offended.  Through counseling ministry I have also walked with many other people on their personal journeys of being victimized and having been in a victimizing role.  Having said this, even with my extensive knowledge of the topic, I still consider myself a learner in the midst of an inexhaustible subject.  In my estimation dealing with offense and forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood and mal-practiced of human experiences.

How can forgiveness be so frequently talked about, read about, studied, and attempted while at the same time the actual fruit of forgiveness (joy and peace of heart) so often seems to slip out of reach?  I'll share a few thoughts here about why this is true, but my book does a more thorough job helping readers discover paths to true peace and joy in their lives.

Racial equality advocate Nelson Mandela was a political prisoner over 2 decades in South Africa.  His heart attitude led to actions which made a huge difference not only for him but numerous people following his lead. He is quoted as saying, “As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”  He understood how bitter roots are formed from the seed of nursing wounds and grudges that grow in the human heart.  Left unchecked, bitterness will inevitably turn to resentment.  Mandela also says, “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”  That is very true in a figurative sense, but it also holds true literally.  Research points to the connection between unforgiving emotions and the development and spread of bodily diseases like cancer.

Furthermore, resentment often moves down the slippery slope to create an atmosphere of revenge. Josh Billings turns this around when he says, "There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness."  When someone intentionally tries to cause harm but is answered with forgiveness instead of retaliation, a cycle of hurt and harm is immediately broken.  Abraham Lincoln once asked, " Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?"   Oscar Wilde remarks, " Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much."

So you genuinely want to forgive someone for the hurt they have caused you in the past.  Maybe you've already tried to forgive but it doesn't seem to work.  Lack of results is usually not caused by failure of forgiveness, but failure to understand what forgiveness really is.  Contrary to what many believe, forgiveness is not simply a choice.  It is not simply forgetting.  Author Louis Smedes writes, "Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."  Forgiveness is not an exercise of the mind using willpower to shut off the emotions.   The lasting fruit of forgiveness requires a person's heart to be involved.

Forgiveness begins with love.  Love is more than having feelings toward another.  It is more than making a decision to care.  Love is an action.  True love is acting in the best interest of the other person.   "Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love," says Mahatma Gandhi.  In a book called Sonship: A Journey into Father's Heart, James Jordan writes a chapter entitled "Forgiving from the Heart."  I highly recommend his book for further reading.  Jordan explains how human beings are "wired" by their Creator for love and forgiveness.  Jordan writes, " He wants us to progress from choosing to forgive, to forgiving with love, and then to the place where we love to forgive. Moving far beyond forgiving as an act of the will, to forgiving endlessly from a heart that loves to forgive."

If you believe in God and you want a deeper relationship with Father, surrendering your heart to His love and forgiveness is essential.  Father God is the source of all truth. The fact of the matter is, no human being will ever fully be able to grasp how huge this topic is from God's perspective.  At some point, forgiveness comes down to trusting Father and His ways as totally right and just.  Forgiveness is surrendering to God the ultimate rights of judgment on whatever matter is in question.

Many believe they are justified in holding anger against someone who does them wrong.  "After all," they say, "If I forgive him, he would get off too easy," or, "He will just do it over again."  Again, this thinking stems from a misbelief about forgiveness.  Feeling anger is not wrong, but allowing anger to turn into hatred creates the bitterness that causes wrong.  Forgiveness does not mean you are giving up your right to hope for justice to be served, but it means you are giving up your right to be the "executor" of judgment.

I believe that a casual attitude towards unfounded anger (bitterness and resentment) is the primary root that keeps most people locked in their prison of unforgiveness.  A person holding unforgiveness in their heart generally falls into one of two categories.  The first is one who recognizes the bitterness or resentment he or she feels and knows s/he has to decide whether to take forgiving action or try to go on pretending things are okay.  The second is more difficult.  In this case, a person may have no immediate awareness of a wound or wrong done to him or her, but symptoms hint of a problem.  These symptoms may include troublesome moods like nagging frustration, irritation,  annoyance, disappointment, discouragement, or depression.  It may take the form of physical symptoms like persistent sleeplessness, loss of appetite, or body aches and pains.  This second category is quite common and not to be despised or feared.  The sooner you try to discover the root and take action towards forgiveness, the sooner new freedom can be found.

If you wish to change the atmosphere of your home, work place, church, and community, dare to lead in the practice of forgiveness and positive results you will see.  The ancient Proverb states,  "A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, And it is his glory to overlook a transgression" (Proverbs 19:11; NASB).

Note:   The book Escaping the Pain of Offense: Empowered to Forgive from the Heart discusses themes of dealing with disappointments, offense and finding freedom in forgiveness.  This book is designed to help people (especially in the Christian faith)  to discover and dislodge things in life that lead to defeat. Don't miss out on your chance to use this book as a helpful tool in discovering Refuge in Christ. It can be purchased by clicking here: http://bluerockbnb.com/healing/book_main.htm . If you get anywhere near Pennsylvania for vacation or on business, be sure to look us up for lodging at  http://bluerockbnb.com

In my work as a Christian counselor, I am often exposed to the challenges that arise in a marriage when a couple is not aware of the importance of boundaries, or have not been taught how to implement them in their relationship. Much of the work that I do with couples includes helping them learn to define and establish healthy boundaries. My own knowledge about boundaries has come through some exceptionally challenging experiences, and from things I have learned from a handful people who are much smarter than I. Those from whom I have learned the most include my wife Heidi, the counselor Patrick Means, author of The Boundaries Book, and Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their many books on the topic, especially Boundaries.

In this article, I provide an overview of some of the ideas I draw upon most frequently in my role as a counselor. If you are interested in exploring this topic in a deeper way, the two books I referred to in the previous paragraph are a good place to start.

What are Boundaries?

Consider the fence between your yard and your neighbor’s yard. That fence makes the property line very clear. You know where one yard ends and where the next yard begins. Without that fence, you might have to deal with your trash blowing into your neighbor’s yard – or vice-versa. But the fence keeps the junk in the proper place. It tells you that this pile of rubbish is yours and that pile of debris is his.

The fence is not a ten-foot concrete wall that allows no relationship between you and the folks next door. In fact, the fence is permeable and there may even be a gate. You can invite your neighbor to join you in your yard for a BBQ and they can return to their yard when the fellowship is over. Both parties know who they are and where they belong.

So it is with relational boundaries. Boundaries show me where I end and where you begin. Every healthy relationship needs healthy boundaries in order to function properly and to grow effectively. Boundaries allow us to engage in relationships from a place of strength and to share our vitality with another person, rather than sucking life out of them. Our boundaries – or our lack of boundaries – are grounded in the families we grew up in, our current belief systems, our personalities, and our attitudes. Without good boundaries there is no clear delineation between the individuals in a relationship. In the absence of boundaries, each person must look to the other to create his happiness, feel his feelings and find fulfillment.

Examples of Boundaries

As I indicated above, a boundary is anything that helps you to differentiate between yourself and another person. In the rest of this article, I give a few examples of such boundaries:

•Skin – Your skin is your most basic boundary. It protects you from harm and it literally holds you together. Your skin can let good things in and it can keep bad things out. Your skin can also be violated. When our skin is violated, we are usually injured in some way. This can happen through sexual or physical abuse, through assault, or through other injury. If someone has invaded the boundary of our skin in our early life, we may end up having a hard time with boundaries later in life.

•Distance – This can be either physical distance or emotional distance. Sometimes we need to take a break and distance ourselves from another person in order to catch our breath, get our feet under us and think about the situation more clearly. When you create emotional or physical distance between yourself and another person, you send a clear message that something has to change. This is especially significant in abusive situations.

•Feelings – In relationships with poor boundaries, feelings may be minimized, ignored or denied. Indeed, some feelings will probably not even be allowed. Our feelings can provide information about the state of our relationships. It is important to remember that you own your own feelings and that your partner owns his or her feelings. Both of you are responsible for feeling them, sharing them, interpreting them and deciding what to do about them.

•Values – What we value will be expressed by our boundaries. Do you value independence, honesty, health, and intimacy? Do you value the input and opinions of others? Do you place too much – or not enough – value on one of these areas? The answers you give to these and many similar questions will find expression in your boundaries. Boundaries allow you to own your own values and allow others to own theirs.

•Choices – Those with poor boundaries have difficulty taking ownership of their own choices. They tend to believe or say that someone else “made them” do it. By saying this, they escape accountability for their own choices. But the reality is that we are in control of all of our own choices and we must live with the consequences of our choices. Boundaries enable us to own our choices and to take responsibility for their consequences. Instead of seeing ourselves as dependent on others, boundaries empower us to make the choices that are best for us.

Christian Counseling Can Help You to Establish Healthy Boundaries

Do you have more questions about the role boundaries play in your own relationship? Have you experienced tension about your feelings, choices, behaviors or values? If either you or your partner are frustrated or confused about the boundaries in your lives, Christian counseling can be a great place to begin to speak about them. I would welcome the opportunity to help you find some answers to your questions.

The Christian counseling process is about redemption and the restoration of the soul. It is grounded in the belief in a personal, living God and in the experience of the abundant life that Jesus came to offer us. I find nothing more exciting than witnessing how this abundant life becomes real in the lives of those with whom I work. You may not feel able to believe that change is possible right now, and that’s OK. But with the help of a good Christian counselor, you (and your spouse) can begin to find the solutions that you are seeking. If you wish to explore more about the counseling process, please do not hesitate to contact me at Seattle Christian Counseling. I would be delighted to partner with you as you enter this challenging and important healing process.

Seattle Christian Counseling

A Look Down The Road of Recovery As a sexual addiction specialist, I’ve heard many men ask this question after being discovered by their partner, “What do I do now?” Usually, when a man calls to discuss getting help with controlling an undesired or destructive form of sexually acting out, he is making one of the most difficult phone calls of his life. This man often has had periods of abstinence from porn for weeks or perhaps months, even years, but somewhere and somehow always seems to slip back into it. The man that asks this question has already tried every means possible to handle this in his own way and has a part of himself that feels like a hopeless failure. Well, before I answer the, “What do I do now?” question, understanding the perspective of your family can change the way you move forward. While many people are somewhat familiar with the recovery path of addicts (e.g. the first step is moving out of denial,) fewer are knowledgeable about the recovery path of the partners of addicts, which I will refer to simply as “partners.” Dr. Patrick Carnes, PhD and the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP) have identified six stages that a partner is likely to experience in the process of recovering from a relationship tainted with addiction. One of the more difficult stages in treating a family following the “discovery” of a pornography addiction is called the “crisis” stage. This stage follows the “discovery” of the addiction and is characterized by an incredible need by the partner to gather information and make a decision about how to move forward. The partner has endless questions streaming through their mind that demand answers: Can a person really ever recover from this? What kind of porn were you watching (are you gay? a pedophile?) What about the kids? As the now exposed addict, you may find yourself facing one of the largest episodes of emotional turmoil you have ever faced. For many addicts, and their partners, this is the critical intersection. This is the stage where critical decisions are made. The “crisis” stage is when she will first ask herself the Big Question: Should I stay or should I go? The addict interested in reconciling their relationship will greatly benefit by quickly accepting that they will need to communicate their desire for their partner to stay in the relationship with their actions, as their words are no longer trustworthy in this stage. This process is like navigating a road riddled with land mines or, as in the case of those familiar with Iraq and Afghanistan, improvised explosive devices (IED’s). Avoiding a few critical emotional IED’s can help you communicate your intentions. Here are a few big mines you need to avoid: Mine # 1: Denial. Like pouring salt in the wound. Remember, you just got “discovered”. You are the one with the secret life and you have very little, if any, credibility now and for some time to come. While I am not saying that your partner has no part in developing a better overall relationship in the future, this first mine has the potential to blow everything away. Denial makes the betrayal worse. So, end the charade and get real with yourself for five minutes and accept the reality of the situation and the certainty of the assured destruction that awaits you if nothing changes. You can reduce the emotional turmoil by moving out of denial, but, for the sake of the partner’s healing and safety, I urge you tp wait for the help of a trained professional before you disclose everything to your partner. Mine #2: Avoiding Responsibility. Waiting for her to decide if she is going to go or stay. Classic error. Here are some common responses I hear from those who choose to embrace this strategy and what they are actually communicating to their partner: An Addict Says:“I don’t want to waste the time or money if she doesn’t want to stay together” Translates to:“I’m not quitting if she isn’t staying” An Addict Says:“If she’s not around, what’s the big deal?” Translates to:“I don’t care about how this might affect the kids” An Addict Says:“If she cares about me. she’ll stay” Translates to:“I don’t want to take responsibility” An Addict Says:“I was hoping that she would keep this a family secret.” Translates to:“Will you stay in denial with me?” This is a time to take responsibility for your part in the condition of your relationship, regardless of your partner’s response. For many, this means seeking out a qualified sexual addiction therapist who has experience in treating both individuals and families. Mine #3 Over-Reacting to Your Partner’s Need for Accountability. Most never saw it coming by themselves. Ok, you’ve moved out of denial and taken responsibility by making an appointment with a qualified therapist. Congratulations, brother! You are almost through that mine-plagued road, right? Wrong! Many addicts expect that the most difficult moments are over, once discovery is completed and therapy begins. They are usually wrong. The “shock” stage that usually follows, and is known to overlap with the “crisis” stage brings new challenges in coping with typical partner reactions. Typical Partner Reactions during Shock Stage: Numbness or avoidant behavior Retribution or victimization Hyper-Suspicion Fear of relapses Hopeless feeling about the relationship Demands for excruciating disclosure details from addict While it is difficult for anyone to conduct a healthy relationship under this duress, the bottom line is that you will need to expect and endure the periodic unhealthy reactions of your partner as the new reality of your relationship is absorbed and processed. This is normally accomplished in therapy by improved communication skills, expanding problem solving options, as well as developing internal coping tools. Navigating the road to recovery after the discovery of a pornography addiction is a difficult process. Having insight into the hazards of the road ahead and how you and your family members are apt to respond while on this journey can greatly affect the entire family’s recovery potential. You and your family can gain the edge in establishing a new healthy and happy relationship when you choose to end the denial, accept responsibility, and prepare for the work ahead. So when answering the question, “What do I do next?” I say, avoid the land mines and know that it’s easier when you don’t do it alone.

Roy Rawers

Carl stopped at the door to peer into the window before entering the crowded room. It was not unusual to see the conference room packed on a Monday morning, yet he dreaded walking in every single time. The group of people may not stop and stare but it felt as if all eyes were upon him. No one was even expecting anything from him, since his position was to take notes, get his assignment, do the research and turn it over to a team who prepared the information for presentation. The thought of presenting to the group only made his heart palpitate and his stomach flip. Carl knew his job and was fine with not being in the limelight, but his lack of self-confidence was bleeding over into other parts of his life as well. His wife had even said he needed to work on his self-esteem and stop being so depressed. Wanting to show her he was trying, Carl found the following helpful:

How to Boost Your Self-esteem

1. Give yourself credit for being you. You are as good as anyone else and no better than anyone else.

2. Take care of your personal hygiene. When you look better you feel better.

3. Work through your feelings: Begin by identifying them, then decide how to express them, and finally let them go.

4. Find the humor in life that is all around you.

5. Have confidence in yourself.

6. Think positive and avoid negative thoughts or irrational thoughts.

7. Learn to accept compliments.

8. Take time for yourself.

9. Do not depend on others for your self-worth.

10. Take risks that expand your horizons with new experiences.

11. Accept that are some things you won’t do and even shouldn’t do.

12. Accept your limitations. Everyone has them.

13. Be yourself. Not everyone is going to like you–you don’t like everyone you meet. If you are yourself, you are more likely to find genuine friends who are interested in you and not some character you have created.

14. Do not be afraid to make mistakes. Do not try to deny that you’ve made them. Use those mistakes to learn from them so you can improve yourself.

15. Make time for yourself. It’s easy in today’s world to run around doing plenty of things for other people: friends, parents and siblings; you meet those demands because you like the other people you are helping. But remember, you’re important to yourself, and you need time to relax and enjoy life in the way that you want.

16. Get involved in a hobby, sport, or any constructive activity that makes you happy. Exercise and mental activity will release a sense of well-being, accomplishment and confidence.

17. Always work toward a goal. Just make sure it’s realistic. Unrealistic goals or lists that are impossible to accomplish will only keep you from boosting your self-esteem.

18. Get involved. Meet new people. Volunteer at church or in the community. While learning about other people, you are learning about yourself.

19. Try to look on the brighter side. Worrying and dwelling on the negative doesn’t do anything for one’s self esteem. It only makes the problem seem bigger and harder to handle.

20. Finally, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6. In other words, take it all to the Lord God in prayer.

Carl’s plight to find self-confidence and boost his self-esteem, not only gave him a new lease on life, but it also combatted his bouts of depression and anxiety. Monday morning meetings were no longer dreaded, weekends were filled with activities that helped the whole family’s morale, a new spark of romance rekindled in the marriage. The results will vary depending on your own life circumstances; however, the possibilities are endless when one overcomes their lack of self-confidence and no longer allows depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, or negativity to rule their life any longer.

Curtis Meador

When you open a box of crayons, what color do you grab for first?  With a blank canvas, the possibilities are endless! Sometimes the color you grab first is based upon the needs of the picture, sometimes the color is based upon your personal preference and sometimes, it is determined by your mood.

To be honest, we aren't talking about crayon colors here, but the daily grind of our lives, right? When I wake up each day, I have an opportunity to devote my day to God. I have the ability to make choices and decisions that will shape the outcomes in my life. And sometimes, those decisions are shaped by personal preferences, sometimes they are shaped by my list of things to achieve that day, and sometimes, they are based upon my mood...I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed!

I look at a verse like Daniel has mentioned the last couple weeks in Romans 12:2 - "Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Don't paint the same picture everyday, don't be drawn into the same pattern as yesterday (that day you fell into a sinful trap); today could you renew your image of yourself! Could you paint a different picture and transform your outlook and in doing so, transform the outcomes of your life? The verse goes on to say..."Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will."

Today, as I give my life to Christ, as I devote myself to becoming a better follower than I was yesterday, I need to transform my life to be more like His! What pictures did Christ paint? What colors did He use? Today, does your attitude match that of Christ Jesus? If not, transform and renew your thoughts, motives and actions! Today, does my life look a little more like Christ's? Don't conform any longer to the same patterns and routines...to be more like Christ you have to follow with purpose!

Reggie Alderman

All-or-nothing thinking

You see things in black and white categories. If a situation falls short of perfect, you see it as a total failure. A woman on a diet ate a bigger bowl of ice cream than she intended, and decided that she had completely ruined her diet. She then decided to go ahead and eat the entire carton, instead of brushing off the mistake and moving on.

Overgeneralization

You see a single negative event, such as a romantic rejection or a criticism from your boss, as a never-ending pattern of defeat by using words such as “always” or “never” when you think about it.  A depressed salesman became terribly upset when he failed to meet his quota one month. He told himself that he always misses his quotas, instead of realizing this as one not-so-good month out of many good ones.

Mental filter

You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively, so that your vision of all of reality becomes darkened, like a drop of ink that discolors an entire beaker of water.  You receive many positive comments about your presentation to a group of associates at work, but one of them says something mildly critical. You obsess about his reaction for days and ignore all the positive feedback.

Discounting the positive

You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count.” Discounting the positive takes the joy out of life and makes you feel inadequate and unrewarded.  If you do a good job, you may tell yourself that it wasn’t good enough or that anyone could have done as well.

Jumping to conclusions

You interpret things negatively when there are no facts to support your conclusion. There are two ways of doing this:  Mind reading–Without checking it out, you arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you. For example, you tell yourself, “He didn’t smile and say hi when he passed; he must not like me.”  Fortune telling–You predict that things will turn out badly. Before a test you may tell yourself, “I’m really going to blow it. I’ll probably flunk!” Or if you’re depressed you may tell yourself, “I’ll never get better.”

Magnification and Minimization

You exaggerate the importance of problems and shortcomings, or you understate the importance of the positive.  A friend arranges a wonderful surprise birthday party for you, but you cannot appreciate or enjoy it because you are so focused on the fact that one of your friends didn’t show up.

Emotional reasoning

You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are.  “I feel terrified about flying on airplanes; therefore, it must be very dangerous to fly.” Or “I feel inferior. I must be a second-rate person.” Or “I feel angry, and this proves I’m being treated unfairly.”

“Should” statements

You tell yourself that things should be the way you hoped or expected them to be. You have rigid rules that you think should apply no matter what the circumstances.  “Should” statements that are directed against you lead to guilt and frustration: After playing a difficult piece on the piano, a gifted pianist told herself, “I should have played that better!” This made her feel so disgusted that she quit practicing for several days.  “Should” statements that are directed against other people or the world in general lead to anger and frustration: “He shouldn’t be so stubborn and argumentative.”

Labeling

You explain behaviors or events merely by naming them. Rather than describing the specific behavior, you assign a label to someone or yourself that puts them in absolute and unchangeable terms. Labels are useless abstractions that lead to anger, anxiety, frustration, and low self-esteem.  Instead of saying “I made a mistake at work today.” you tell yourself: “I’m a loser,” or “a fool,” or “a failure.”  You may also label others. When someone does something that rubs you the wrong way, you may tell yourself: “He’s a jerk.” Then you feel that the problem is with that person’s “character” or “essence” instead of with their thinking or behavior. You see them as totally bad. This makes you feel hostile and hopeless about improving things and leaves little room for constructive communication.

Personalization and blame

You hold yourself personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under your control.  When a woman received a note that her child was having difficulties at school, she told herself, “This shows what a bad mother I am,” instead of trying to pinpoint the actual cause of the problem so that she could be helpful to her child.  Personalization leads to guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy.  Some people do the opposite. They blame other people or their circumstances for their problems, and they overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: “The reason I got a speeding ticket is because that cop was a jerk!” Accepting responsibility appropriately allows us to improve ourselves.

Psychology Resources

It’s difficult to apprehend the agony of divorce in all its facets unless you’ve been through it yourself.  Divorce brings a variety of painful experiences that most of us taste at one time or another in our lives, only the divorced person experiences them all at once. One of those is shame.

Recently, a friend described a part of his divorce experience that highlights the facet of shame.

“When I would go to my son’s baseball games it felt like everyone knew that I had been rejected by my wife. She was always there, appearing not to have a care in the world, while I felt tainted.  A combination of dread and panic filled my chest as I walked from the parking lot to the bleachers, like I was walking up naked.  I’m sure that plenty of other people there were going through their own painful situations, but at the time I was convinced that I was radically different from everyone around me and that they were all conscious that one of the unclean had entered their midst. I felt like an outcast.  There were parents I had known for years who didn’t acknowledge me.  I’m sure they were just focused on their children, but it seemed to me as if they avoided even making eye-contact, as if doing so would infect them. While all the other parents joyfully watched their children play I sat squirming with discomfort.  I dreaded my own child’s ballgames to the point that I didn’t even want to go, which added guilt to the whole miserable experience. It was agony.”

Consider some of the words he used – “rejected,” “tainted,” “naked,” “radically different,” “unclean,” “outcast,” “avoided,” “infect,” “dread.”  This is the language of shame.

Ed Welch, in his recent book “Shame Interrupted” defines shame as “the deep sense that you are unacceptable because of something you did, something done to you, or something associated with you. You feel exposed and humiliated.”

You likely know someone in the midst of divorce who is experiencing the debilitating impact of deep shame right now.  We are called to love them, but how do we love such a person wisely?

We could argue with their perceptions, but that won’t work. Shame will win the argument every time.  Shame is tangible to the one who experiences it, and it’s impervious to logic.  Our arguments will seem abstract.  But don’t lose heart, this actually frees us from the pressure of having to know the right thing to say.

My friend was describing his experience from a distance.  A few years had passed since those days and he was in a much better place.  So I asked him what others had done that helped.

“They honored me.  They invited me over to their house for dinner.  They included me in their lives in concrete ways.  They remembered me.  Most had no idea what to say, but that didn’t matter.  The fact that they came close and included me when I felt untouchable carried me through.”

The body of Christ is tailor-made for such a mission, but sadly, we often reinforce and compound shame by avoiding those in our midst involved in divorce.  Some do this because of self-righteous judgment of divorced individuals, but I don’t think that’s always, or even often the case for most of us.  Most of us just don’t know what to say, so we leave it to others more capable.  But a few words, no matter how brilliant and biblical, aren’t what these friends need from us. At least not initially.  Ask them to come over for dinner. Take them to lunch after church.  Call them on the phone. Post on their Facebook page.  Ask their advice.  Seek them out and sit with them at church.  Ask them to join your small group.  Send a card. Follow-up.  To love these friends wisely think “include, acknowledge, touch, honor, and value.”

Keep pursuing, even if your invitations aren’t accepted.  Sometimes the pain of divorce makes public appearances seem unbearable.  Don’t take it personally and know that your pursuit sends the message that shame is a liar in tangible ways.

“Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)

The possibilities for walking this out in concrete ways are endless. Get creative if you like, but showing up is good enough.

David Tolbert

Excerpts from The Disease to Please (Harriet B. Braiker)
Additional annotations by Molly Pierce, MA, LPC, NCC

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a people-pleaser?  Don’t be so flattered…it’s not really a compliment.  It feels better to view people-pleasing as an admirable attribute, rather than look at it for what it truly is: a serious psychological problem. 

In actuality, the “disease to please” is a compulsive — even addictive — behavior pattern in which you feel controlled by your need to please others, and addicted to their approval.  At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created. 

The Disease to Please is comprised of three components: (1) People-Pleasing Mindsets, or distorted ways of thinking; (2) People-Pleasing Habits, or compulsive behaviors; and (3) People-Pleasing Feelings, or fearful emotions. 

People-Pleasing Mindset
If you fall into this category, your behavior is driven by a fixed thought that you need and must strive for everyone to like you.  You measure your self-esteem and define your identity by how much you do for others whose needs, you insist, must come before your own.  You believe that being nice will protect you from rejection and other hurtful treatment from others.  You impose demanding rules, harsh criticism, and perfectionist expectations on yourself in an attempt to gain universal acceptance from others.

People-Pleasing Habits
If you fall into this group, you are driven to take care of others’ needs at the expense of your own.  You do too much, too often for others, almost never say “no,” rarely delegate, and inevitably become overcommitted and spread too thin.  And, while these self-defeating, stress-producing patterns take their toll on your health and closest relationships, they maintain a firm grip on your behavior because they are driven by your excessive, even addictive, need for everyone’s approval.

People-Pleasing Feelings
Under this category, your behavior is primarily caused by the avoidance of frightening and uncomfortable feelings. You will recognize the high anxiety that merely the anticipation or possibility of any angry confrontation with others evokes.  (All you conflict avoiders out there — this is you!)  Your people-pleasing behaviors are primarily an avoidance tactic intended to protect you from your fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation.  These fears don’t actually diminish; they intensify as long as the avoidance pattern persists!  (Long story short: you have to face your fears in order to overcome them).  Because you avoid difficult emotions, you never allow yourself to learn how to effectively manage conflict or how to appropriately deal with anger.  As a consequence, you relinquish control too easily to those who would dominate you through intimidation and manipulation.

Living a life of people-pleasing is not the way to go.  Your self-esteem takes a massive toll.  Your identity and sense of self-worth is all tied up in how much you do for others and how successful you are at pleasing them.   It causes your relationships to lose their authenticity; If your niceness prevents you from telling others what is making you unhappy, angry, upset, or disappointed — or from hearing their complaints — there is little chance of fixing what has gone wrong.

Under the surface of your selfless niceness, resentment and frustration will begin to boil and churn, threatening to eventually erupt in open hostility and uncontrolled anger.  It takes a physical toll, as well.  It may come out in the form of migraine or tension headaches, back pain, stomach pain, high blood pressure, or any of a host of other stress-related symptoms.  You will eventually hit the proverbial wall with your energy exhausted and you’ll want to give up, not knowing what else to do.  In the end, your trusty habits of people-pleasing will fail you. So save yourself the trouble, and don’t spend your whole life living hostage to its ways.

Molly Pierce

I am me.

In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me.

There are persons who have some parts like me, but no one adds up exactly like me. Therefore, everything that comes out of me is authentically mine because I alone chose it.

I own everything about me – my body, including everything it does; my mind, including all its thoughts and ideas; my eyes, including the images of all they behold; my feelings, whatever they may be – anger, joy, frustration, love, disappointment, excitement; my mouth, and all the words that come out of it, polite, sweet or rough, correct or incorrect; my voice, loud of soft; and all my actions, whether they be to others or to myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears.

I own all my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes.

Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By doing so I can love me and be friendly with me in all my parts. I can then make it possible for all of me to work in my best interests.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know. But as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for the solutions to the puzzles and for ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is me. This is authentic and represents where I am at that moment in time.

When I review later how I looked and sounded, what I said and did, and how I thought and felt, some parts may turn out to be unfitting. I can discard that which is unfitting, and keep that which proved fitting, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me.

I own me, and therefore I can engineer me.

I am me and I am okay.

Molly Pierce

We all have felt the blues from time to time when we feel blah or now the new term that’s used is, “meh.”  However, there is a big difference between feeling blue and suffering from depression.

Feeling blue may last for a week or two.  A blue feeling doesn’t interfere with our daily lives and leave us feeling as if we can’t function simple tasks or leave us feeling like we want to isolate away from our family and friends.

Depression can be very debilitating and may require medication in addition to psycho-therapy.

The blues will lift after a little while……….but depression……….depression defers hope, depression comes with a negative voice that wants to tell the person suffering that their desires will not be fulfilled and that their tree of life is void of any life sustaining fruit.

…….Depression is a liar……..

If you are concerned about a friend or family member I’ve provided some warning signs to look for regarding telling the blues from depression.

Signs of Depression

• Loss of interest in activities that you once enjoyed

• Irritability and frustration

• Difficulty concentration or making decisions

• Isolating from family and friends

• Excessive sleeping or trouble sleeping

• Inability to control emotions

• Uncontrollable crying

• Feeling hopeless

Symptoms of anxiety 

These are a few symptoms that may be present for you or a loved one regarding depression.  Take depression seriously!  It is an illness that requires treatment.  If you think you or a loved one is suffering from depression:

• Gently share your concerns with your loved one.  Along with depression comes feelings of guilt and shame so be gentle and loving.

• Offer to help them find a qualified therapist who can assess and diagnose clinical depression.

• Be supportive and remember that depression is an illness.  It is not a condition that should be ignored.

“There is light at the end of the tunnel of depression”

Melanie Eddy

Tip #1 - Be yourself

Nobody’s perfect, but there’s no need to change your entire personality to meet someone else’s expectations. It’s always best to be yourself. Figure out who you really are, what you like to do, what you believe in and what things are important to you. It’s much easier to figure out what kind of person you want to date, when you know what you’re looking for.Choose your partner based on values, character, and personality qualities that are most important to you.

Tip #2 - Pay attention

Yes, the first thing you notice about someone is their appearance and whether or not they make your heart flutter, but like your mom always says – it’s what’s on the inside that counts. So, pay attention to values. Do you both have similar beliefs? Do you have similar priorities? Do you respect the other person’s moral beliefs? Do you respect their boundaries? Do they respect yours? Do you have a common ground when it comes to drugs, alcohol and sex? If your values are out of sync, your relationship might also be out of sync. So, pay attention.

Tip #3 - Wait

Don’t get desperate to be in a relationship. You have time – wait it out. Jumping into a relationship without knowing who a person really is can lead to big disappointment. And trying to change someone, “fix” them, or give them a “make-over” to meet your needs and expectations will only lead to a doomed relationship. So just wait. 

Tip #4 - Talk it out

Talk, talk, and then talk some more. Be open and honest. The difference between a happy couple and an unhappy one is how you disagree. If you’re having differences in your relationship, talk it out. Don’t avoid them. Don’t remain quiet. Deal with it. Just keep in mind that you won’t always see eye to eye, and that you don’t need to make a federal case out of every difference, but if something is bothering you, then you should talk it out.

Tip #5 - Expect respect

People will treat you and talk to you the way you let them. Expect respect. If someone talks trashy to you, they will most likely treat you trashy. Respect yourself and set a standard of how you would like to be treated and spoken to. Don’t make excuses for someone who pressures you or bullies you into doing something you don’t want to do, instead confront it. Set your boundaries when it comes to language, behaviors, drugs, alcohol, and sex. Be willing to walk away from a relationship that violates your self respect.

Tip #6 - Break it down

Problems - they stink and all relationships have them. But ignoring them and hoping they will go away doesn’t work. Nagging at someone for the 100th time, hoping that they’ll get it on the 101st time, doesn’t work either. Argue smarter not harder. Focus on one thing you would like to be different, then break it down. Tell the person, “Hey, I would like it if you came to the door to pick me up, then honk your horn and wait for me to come out.” The key is to be very specific and very brief. The more specific you are, the less chance there is for any misunderstandings.

Tip #7 - Watch the attitude

You know the whole talking thing is going to end up a big mess when the first thing you do is roll your eyes and say “I knew you were going to do that.” Nothing starts an argument faster than having a bad attitude. Yes, we’re all human and sometimes you can’t help but have a bad attitude…you woke up on the wrong side of the bed or you failed the most important test of your life. But other times you might just be being a brat…you didn’t get what you expected or your pride is getting in your way. Are you giving them a fair chance to be themselves or are you annoyed because they didn’t do what you expected? Are you being nice or do you just want to do what you want to do regardless of anybody else’s feelings? So before you talk to your other half, watch the attitude.

Tip #8 - Say you’re sorry

He hurt your feelings and she made you mad and you haven’t spoken to each other for what seems like an eternity. Now what? Repeat after me…“I’m sorry, please forgive me,” and “How can we make this better?” And when someone offers you an apology you say “I forgive you, let’s make this better.” Don’t play blame games and don’t try to punish the other person by intentionally waiting forever to speak to them. Just get it over with as soon as possible. Say you’re sorry when you hurt someone and be forgiving because nobody’s perfect.

Tip #9 - Get a life

Ok, we get it, you really like each other. Now please get a life. You don’t need to spend every waking moment together. Spend time away from one another. Ladies – go shopping with your friends without him. Guys – go play basketball with your friends without her. Smothering each other every minute of the day will set unreasonable expectations on the other to entertain you, excite you, soothe you, and complete you –this will drain you and make you very unhappy. The most important thing you can bringto a relationship is a life – so go get one.

Tip #10 - Have fun

A movie and dinner is so overplayed. Try something different and have fun. Go roller skating – its exercise and fun in one. Or, mountain climbing — keeping adventure in a relationship allows you to see how your boyfriend/girlfriend handles challenges and overcomes obstacles. Think outside the box. Having fun in a relationship keeps you happy, and being happy makes you healthy. If you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are happy, there’s a greater chance you will have a healthier relationship.

Meier Clinics

Many couples find that a reoccurring trouble spot in their relationship is based in their difficulty managing how they react toward each other emotionally. These reactions may create various upset feeling and lead to disagreement and arguments. As time goes on and the same misunderstanding and confusion persists, the reactions and arguments become repetitious and predictable. It's like a dance that the couple engages in over and over again, despite their best intentions. In time, layers of hurts and resentments build up, throwing the security and intimacy of the relationship into a shambles.

We all come into intimate relationships with our own personal 'puzzle' of emotional reactions and related behaviors. Our puzzle was put together in our growing up years through the experiences we had in the emotional dynamics of our families - our first intimate relationships - and how we each as individuals learned to cope with them. We also interpreted our experiences in our own personal way and developed subconscious attitudes and expectations regarding relationships with others - more pieces of the puzzle. Most of this happened by the time we were six or seven years old. In the following years we viewed and managed life through our learned perceptions and interpretations, and reinforce and confirm for our self our initial understanding of ourselves with others.

To make the puzzle even more interesting, we usually think our way of perceiving and reacting is 'normal' or 'right', rather than just our own. We enter our adult intimate relationships often mindless of how significant our individual histories are. The pieces or the puzzles begin to show up as we get closer to our partner and thus more emotionally vulnerable. Depending on the intricacies of our puzzle, we may find that without strong communication shills, the ability to maintain our respect for each other when arguments ensue, and the desire and willingness to work through and understand these differences, the relationship will likely not grow and flourish, stricken by our self made 'baggage' of the past.

If you and your partner have a repetitious dance that leads you through reactive behaviors and unresolved arguments and leaves you hurt and misunderstood, you may find seeking help through Marriage/Couples Counseling can help you unravel your mutual puzzles and learn the skills to create a healthy and vibrant relationship. Please call for a consultation to explore these possibilities.

M. Leslie Owens

Let’s cut right to the chase. The economy stinks, you need to grow your small business, and you’re not sure what to do about it. We’re all busy people and busy people like check-lists in order to get things done efficiently, so here’s your check-list to grow your small business.

1. Change your mindset.
2. Determine where you want to be.
3. Inventory your resources.
4. Develop a new plan that will get you to your destination (see #2).
5. Act on your plan.
6. Periodically review that plan and make adjustments.
7. Rinse and repeat (#4-#6).

Here’s what you need to know about each point.

1. Change your mindset - The first thing you need to do is change your mindset about what you should or shouldn’t have to do to grow your small business, and this sums it up nicely, I think: “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got!” If you don’t change your thinking on this point, right now, then there’s no plan in the world that will help you grow. A word to the wise here is sufficient.
2. Determine where you want to be – Always begin with the end in mind. Determine your goals and work backwards from there when developing your marketing plan in #4 below.
3. Inventory your resources - Make a list of every resource you have at your disposal that can be utilized to help you get to your goal. Nothing is off-limits (as long as it’s legal, moral, and ethical and you don’t remove that little tag on the end of your mattress. Never a good idea.). The list should include money (marketing budget), employees, relatives, and you. Documents, trophies, and other materials that exist about your business, photos, videos, anything or anyone that can serve as content, or help you implement your plan, is fair game.
4. Develop a new plan to get you to your destination (see #2) – Beginning with your end-goal in mind, work backwards and develop your marketing plan. You’ll need both an online plan and an offline component. Be realistic about the numbers involved and get it all down on paper. This part is going to take you a while.
5. Act on your plan – The perfect plan will not help you unless you put it in motion. Take one step, then take another. Keep doing that until you reach your goal, or you fall down, go boom. Then see #6.
6. Periodically review that plan and make adjustments – On a regular basis, look at the numbers and see how you’re doing. Determine any course corrections that need to be made to your plan (never, ever, alter the goal!) and implement them.
7. Rinse and repeat - If it works, keep on doing it. If something is “on fire” (that’s good) then throw more gasoline on it. Find a process that generates the results you need to get to your goal and keep doing it.

There, you have it. The secret to success for your small business. The marketing road-map. The list. Oh, we left out one step that goes between #1 and #2 above. Step 1.5, should read, “Call Phillip before going any further!”

And on we go.

Kathleen Mills

There are certain “things” you absolutely must have in order to run your practice smoothly.

In 1991, it was hard for me to even imagine starting a private counseling practice.  In March of 1992, Life Tree was only a figment of my imagination, yet on July 1, 1992, Life Tree became fully operational. Today, we continue a strong business presence, with a wonderful team of therapists serving many clients. What is even more amazing, is to embrace Life Tree Counseling Center’s 21st birthday!

Because of all that I have learned throughout these past 21 years, it is my desire to help other professionals by offering business seminars to help defend, protect, and cultivate others’ private practices.This newsletter is lengthy, but I hope it will help you understand me, and what I think has helped maintain the success of Life Tree Counseling Center. My purpose is to encourage you.

Be About The Basics

Throughout our 21 years, a few basic business principles stand out in my mind which I believe have contributed to our long-standing success and service:

1. Mission Statement – Create a sustainable mission statement defining your business and purpose. Today this is called “branding.”
2. Customer Service - Make it GREAT! Do all you can to promote, not hinder your branding.
3. Dependability – Demonstrate dependability to both your referral sources and your clients.
4. Keep It Simple - Decide and focus on a particular niche. Be careful not to over-expand your “professional career,” or to diversify so much that you appear scattered to potential clients, and an expert to no one.

Be Above The Crowd

Whether you are a business owner of a group practice or a solo proprietorship, you must embrace your job description and “calling” with fervor, going above and beyond the norm:

1. Behind The Scenes – Pay attention to all the behind-the-scenes business operations to make your practice run smoothly every day.
2. Your Day Is  Not Your Own – Be prepared to do whatever is needed to keep things operating well.
3. Take Good Care Of Your Colleagues – This is crucial for those running a group practice. My colleagues gifts, talents, and passion make me excited to provide a comfortable environment in which to work. They deserve it! The promotion of team spirit is so crucial to promoting good will for not only your colleagues, but for your clients as well.
4. Friday Is  a Full Work Day - Monday through Thursday does not cut it anymore. Friday is a full work day for most CEO’s. Decide what areas need cultivating, and do these things on Friday. Saturdays are work days too, at times.
5. Be Prepared To Be A Lone Wolf – Developing and cultivating your business to stay ahead of the curve can require standing alone at times. Make decisions with clarity and knowledge, and implement the business plan. Associate yourself with other business professionals outside of your profession.

Be Ahead of The Curve

Whether it be in big or small ways, be aware of what is happening in the field, and stay ahead of the trends and changes:

1.  Pay Attention To Details – Your personal values will dictate your business model, business transactions, and the many decisions you need to make. Attention to details is imperative, especially when it comes to clients and referral sources.
2.  Cut No Corners – When it comes to proper paperwork, licensing board requirements, or treatment for your clients, take care to do things right! “The best offense is a strong defense.”

3.  ADAPT – Review business trends in the healthcare market, and make adjustments. Failure to do so will result in self-sabotage for having a successful practice. For example, the medical community does not practice medicine the same as they were once able to in the 1990’s.

4.   Forget And Learn – Forget the business-building adage from grad school, “Hang your shingle, and they will come.” Rather, LEARN from those who have a solid track record in developing their own private practices. There are many “consultants.” Know their history, and find out in what areas they are successful. Then decide if their model is one that you desire to learn from. Ask the following questions of a consultant:

• How long have they been in business?
• What is their definition of successful private practice?
• How many years have they been successful?
• Are they thriving?
• How did they get there?
• How are they continuing to do this?

5.   Prepare for Tragedy – It is common, and to be expected, so anticipate difficult situations. LTCC has weathered many storms throughout its tenure, but has managed to sail through each and every one of them. The KEY is building your practice from the start up correctly and very methodically. The more firmly built the business is, the more solid your business principles are, the better the remedies will be with a much faster resolve.

6.   Build with Strength and Faithfulness – Your business is only as strong and as faithful as you are. Grow from your experiences, and accept the consequences, while staying focused on the prize: a thriving business that serves its clients well.

7.  Economic Indicators – Failure to understand the economy can result in failure to adapt and change your pricing structure, and could ultimately limit your client base.

8.  Strong Legal Team – Retain a strong legal team who knows business law. Tragedy WILL occur – it is not a question of “if,” but of “when.” Don’t wait until tragedy strikes; be prepared. Know your legal team before anything happens.

Final Words

I love what I do! Sticking to your calling and the desire to help others yields an abundance of blessings, forms great business relationships, and makes good friends, strong purpose, and thankfulness for being adaptable to change. Stay current with your business, business culture, and the law of economics so you can Love What You Do!

Kathleen Mills

As the initial shock subsides, reactions vary from one person to another. The following, however, are normal responses to a traumatic event:

 - Feelings become intense and sometimes are unpredictable. You may become more irritable than usual, and your mood may change back and forth dramatically. You might be especially anxious or nervous, or even become depressed.

 - Thoughts and behavior patterns are affected by the trauma. You might have repeated and vivid memories of the event. These flashbacks may occur for no apparent reason and may lead to physical reactions such as rapid heart beat or sweating. You may find it difficult to concentrate or make decisions, or become more easily confused. Sleep and eating patterns also may be disrupted.

 - Recurring emotional reactions are common. Anniversaries of the event, such as at one month or one year, can trigger upsetting memories of the traumatic experience. These 'triggers' may be accompanied by fears that the stressful event will be repeated.

 - Interpersonal relationships often become strained. Greater conflict, such as more frequent arguments with family members and coworkers, is common. On the other hand, you might become withdrawn and isolated and avoid your usual activities.

 - Physical symptoms may accompany the extreme stress. For example, headaches, nausea and chest pain may result and may require medical attention. Pre-existing medical conditions may worsen due to the stress.

How do people respond differently over time?

 It is important for you to realize that there is not one 'standard' pattern of reaction to the extreme stress of traumatic experiences. Some people respond immediately, while others have delayed reactions - sometimes months or even years later. Some have adverse effects for a long period of time, while others recover rather quickly.

 And reactions can change over time. Some who have suffered from trauma are energized initially by the event to help them with the challenge of coping, only to later become discouraged or depressed.

 A number of factors tend to affect the length of time required for recovery, including:

 - The degree of intensity and loss. Events that last longer and pose a greater threat, and where loss of life or substantial loss of property is involved, often take longer to resolve.

 - A person's general ability to cope with emotionally challenging situations. Individuals who have handled other difficult, stressful circumstances well may find it easier to cope with the trauma.

 - Other stressful events preceding the traumatic experience. Individuals faced with other emotionally challenging situations, such as serious health problems or family-related difficulties, may have more intense reactions to the new stressful event and need more time to recover.

 How should I help myself and my family?

 There are a number of steps you can take to help restore emotional well being and a sense of control following a disaster or other traumatic experience, including the following:

 - Give yourself time to heal. Anticipate that this will be a difficult time in your life. Allow yourself to mourn the losses you have experienced. Try to be patient with changes in your emotional state.

 - Ask for support from people who care about you and who will listen and empathize with your situation. But keep in mind that your typical support system may be weakened if those who are close to you also have experienced or witnessed the trauma.

 - Communicate your experience in whatever ways feel comfortable to you - such as by talking with family or close friends, or keeping a diary.

 - Find out about local support groups that often are available such as for those who have suffered from natural disasters, or for women who are victims of rape. These can be especially helpful for people with limited personal support systems.

 - Try to find groups led by appropriately trained and experienced professionals. Group discussion can help people realize that other individuals in the same circumstances often have similar reactions and emotions.

 - Engage in healthy behaviors to enhance your ability to cope with excessive stress. Eat well-balanced meals and get plenty of rest. If you experience ongoing difficulties with sleep, you may be able to find some relief through relaxation techniques. Avoid alcohol and drugs.

 - Establish or reestablish routines such as eating meals at regular times and following an exercise program. Take some time off from the demands of daily life by pursuing hobbies or other enjoyable activities.

 - Avoid major life decisions such as switching careers or jobs if possible because these activities tend to be highly stressful.

 When should I seek professional help?

 Some people are able to cope effectively with the emotional and physical demands brought about by traumatic events by using their own support systems. It is not unusual, however, to find that serious problems persist and continue to interfere with daily living. For example, some may feel overwhelming nervousness or lingering sadness that adversely affects job performance and interpersonal relationships.

 Individuals with prolonged reactions that disrupt their daily functioning should consult with a trained and experienced mental health professional. Psychologists and other appropriate mental health providers help educate people about normal responses to extreme stress. These professionals work with individuals affected by trauma to help them find constructive ways of dealing with the emotional impact.

 With children, continual and aggressive emotional outbursts, serious problems at school, preoccupation with the traumatic event, continued and extreme withdrawal, and other signs of intense anxiety or emotional difficulties all point to the need for professional assistance. A qualified mental health professional can help such children and their parents understand and deal with thoughts, feelings and behaviors that result from trauma.

Kyle M Hood

I believe one of our biggest stumbling blocks to a sense of peace is agreeing to do things we really don’t want to do.  The good news with this problem is we have all the power and control to change it.

I can’t count the times in my life when someone would ask me if I would take on a task that I really really REALLY didn’t want to do.  “Jondra, we need someone to cook 200 pounds of pasta and sauce (I’m exaggerating, of course)  for the event next week…and we all LOVE your pasta.  So, would you do that?”  (Notice the compliment?  Just a little added touch to make it harder to say no. Very clever.)

Without skipping a beat or taking a breath, my response pours out of my mouth:  “Sure!  I’d be happy to!”  The second those words leave my lips I am regretting it and beating myself up for not being able to say what I really want to say.

I got tired of feeling frustrated and resentful and decided to impose the 24- hour rule on myself until I was able to think on my feet and say “no”

The 24-hour rule goes like this:  When someone asks you to do something…pause…take a breath….and tell the person something like, “That sounds good, but I can’t give you a yes or no right now. What I can do is call you tomorrow when I know for sure if I can do it or not.”

Most requests are not in need of immediate responses, despite what the requester may say, and you may have to repeat yourself a few times.  But that’s ok.  People are simply used to you always saying yes.

Of course, there will be those things that need immediate answers, but even if that is the case, just the time it takes to say you need 24 hours, may be the delay you need to give the answer you really want to give.

Jondra Pennington

A few days ago while visiting family, our 8 and 11-year-old great nieces were doing homework and soon began fighting over a sparkly pencil. The older niece declared her plain pencil was boring and demanded her sister give her the pretty one. A heated debate, punch in the back and dramatic tears later, the problem was solved when I found a second sparkly pencil. Now, they each had their own. I felt pretty good about salvaging the crisis only to hear the girls gearing up for the next round over who wants the pink sparkly pencil vs. the red sparkly one.

About a half hour later, our 2 and 4-year-old great nephews arrived home from day care. Their tantrums began over who got the McQueen vs. the Thomas the Train sippy cups for their snack time.

And so it continues. These frequent childhood dilemmas become teaching moments about sharing, respect for others during conflict and problem-solving.

You'd think by adulthood, people would have learned these life lessons. Sadly, we often see this type of sibling rivalry morph into divorce rivalry during mediations. Now emotional arguments center on decisions like who gets the dog, the hutch, the vacation home and more.

The conflict isn't about "the stuff." More often it's about getting one's way, hurting the other spouse, a memory connected to the item. It takes a skillful, insightful divorce mediator to peel back the emotional onion and get to the core of the problem so that the childhood concepts of sharing, respect and problem solving can be addressed.

Written by Patti Bertschler

My dad told me once,"...we have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen twice as much as we talk." He had some other interesting sayings too, such as, “...its better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool rather than open it and remove all doubt.” Obviously, these weren’t original thoughts, but since I was his daughter, I thought he was the smartest person in the whole world. But, seriously, he did impress upon me the importance of listening as a learning tool and as a way of showing respect.

Growing up an only child and being really close to my dad, I was often in the company of grown-ups. My dad took me with him virtually every where he went. His name was Don and his friends called me “little Don” rather than Larry because we were so much alike. Being often in the company of adults, I learned early to listen. In fact, I rather enjoyed listening to adults as a child. It is amazing the things one can learn as a child just by listening to adults. Not that I didn’t enjoy being with my own friends, but there was something special about being the only child in the company of grown men. It made me feel important in some way, as if I was privy to information other children might not be. So, I learned to listen to the people around me. I am quite certain that the emphasis my dad placed on listening coupled with my privileged exposure to adult company early in childhood helped me to form good listening skills that have stayed with me throughout my life.

I think most people would agree that listening is an important quality in any kind of relationship. Yet, if we analyze the issues involving problem marriages today, we would find a breakdown in communication in most cases to be the central contributing factor.

Several years ago, as I attended Columbia International University, Michael Card visited the campus as a speaker and worship leader. He told the story of how his father, a very busy medical doctor, never really spent much time with him. He told how he used to crave the presence of his father so much that when he would be in his study with the door closed, Michael would stick his fingers underneath the door and wiggle them to get his father’s attention. This made me realize how right my own father had been in stressing the importance of listening. He said that you could always tell if someone really loved you by how much they listened to you.

I had always thought of listening as being important primarily to the listener with a secondary effect of demonstrating respect to others. I suddenly realized the value of listening as being far more powerful in the lives of those who need to be heard. No wonder marriages have such devastating problems when communication breaks down. If the intensity to which we listen to others is proportional to the love we have for them, then that certainly explains why wives or husbands feel so rejected when they aren’t heard. This thought brings to my mind another important question. If we understand how important it is for us to be heard by those we love, and obviously we do by the way we react when we aren’t heard, why then do we so often hurt the people we love by not intently listening to them? How do we not purposely become good listeners?

I ask these questions of myself semi-rhetorically in the hopes that I become more purposely-driven to being a truly good listener, not just to those I love but to everyone whom my life crosses paths. Jesus did command us to love others as ourselves. In fact he placed such importance on this command as to say it is second only to loving God. I do not believe this command to be symbolic, but in reality, we as Christians should put others’ needs above our own. The first step in loving others as ourselves is listening to them. Too often, I am far too concerned with my own matters and I do not notice opportunities to connect with people through listening to them. I am often more concerned with being heard than hearing. I want someone to hear my ideas and rave about how intelligent they are. I want someone to say how much they appreciate what I said. I want someone to notice how important I am to their well being. I want to be the heroin, the rescuer, the one with the answers. I want to be noticed for my ability to sit and listen to someone and then, using all of my wisdom, guide them in the way they should go so they can thank me for being such a good listener. I want to be noticed for my willingness to sacrifice my valuable time to listen to others, therefore, being in compliance with Jesus’ commandment. Isn’t that what Jesus meant when he said to love others as ourselves.

Listening is Important to Loving Others Effectively

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how you look at it, this is not at all what Jesus meant when He gave us this command. Let me take some time to explain why I believe listening is one of the more important things we do as Christians and why it so relates to Jesus’ command to love others as ourselves. When Jesus was asked by a Pharisaic teacher attempting to trick him what the greatest commandment was, Jesus replied with two commands. Both are relational.The first concerns our relationship with God, the second concerns our relationship with other people. Moreover, both of these commands relate to a heart condition, or attitude, rather than specific responsibilities that we could legalistically apply which is what the Pharisees were looking for. The second command, to love others as ourselves, can only be accomplished after we take care of the first command, to love God with all our hearts, minds, and soul. When we take care of the first command and develop an intimate relationship with God, we get our minds off of ourselves and begin to see others as God sees them. This helps to prevent the self-seeking goals I described in the previous paragraph. As Christians, and especially as Christian Counselors, we must realize that these two commands given by Jesus are not some lofty, unattainable ideals that we can never reach. These are actual commands given by Jesus that are at the very heart of Christianity and they are meant for us to literally obey. While we will never reach perfection in this life with either of the two commands, it is possible for us to allow God to conform us in such a way as to legitimately incorporate these two heart attitudes fully into our operational lives. Listening to God and listening to others is something that as Christians, we must be intentional about doing. It is our first expression of love. Listening is the single most important thing we can do initially. It communicates empathy, concern, care, and genuine Christian love. Listening to someone gives them immediate worth, respect, and a certain amount of dignity. It makes a person feel important, and we are all important.

Listening is a Front Line Tool in Building a Relationship

From a therapeutic standpoint, empathic listening is much more than a desirable quality. Simply stated, it is essential. If, as research has shown, that the most important factor in therapeutic healing is the therapeutic relationship rather than theoretical orientation, then building a strong therapeutic relationship must be the first priority. This should not be surprising as Christians, because as I have already stated, life itself is all about relationship. And, if we could view “listening” as a front line tool in building a relationship, then obviously the importance of empathic listening is understood.

From a practical perspective, a book titled “The Lost Art of Listening” (Nichols) is a thoroughly detailed discussion of the need and longing we have to be heard, the subtle ways in which we both misunderstand what is being communicated and miscommunicate our own thoughts and feelings, ways in which we can improve our own listening and communication skills, and the context within which listening and communicating are so important. Nichols’ perspectives on how communication breaks down are valuable indeed, especially in the context of building long-term relationships, particularly those of the romantic kind. From a therapeutic standpoint, if we practice any form of family therapy dealing with marital problems, understanding communication breakdown and how it directly contributes to the problems at hand will be vital in being able to understand and effectively communicate any helpful insights.

From a more personal standpoint, “The Lost Art of Listening” has illuminated areas in my life where I have failed miserably in the past. For example, how my own emotions have caused me to react defensively in situations where things would have been much better served if I had paused to regain control of that elusive Christian responsibility to love God first and others second. At other times I have heard what I wanted to hear rather than what was truly being communicated resulting in unnecessary personal anguish and humiliation. Also, I have realized that at times I have diminished another person’s feelings by trivializing their attempts to be heard. In other words, “get over it, it’s not that big of a deal.” And perhaps one of my greater listening deficiencies is that my need to be right often overrides my calling to love.

I have always thought of myself as a good listener and in many ways I am. But in just as many if not more ways, I need much improvement. My desire to be viewed as an empathic, understanding, loving person could easily become a need. Desiring to please God through loving others is good. But when that desire becomes a need to be recognized by others as possessing these qualities, it then becomes the opposite of what Jesus meant. Keeping this perspective is always a challenge. I believe Jesus was talking about this very issue when he said that whoever loses his life for His sake would find it. Emptying yourself of all self-motives to love others first and trusting God to take care of your own personal needs is the paradox of Christianity. It is the essence of faith.

Reading The Lost Art of Listening has hopefully helped me to become much more intentional about being a good listener. When I look at the principles discussed in this book through the lens of the truth that God has created us as relational beings, that He too is relational, and that each of us has a longing to connect, I am greatly encouraged to vigorously pursue the career that God has called me to. Becoming a good listener is an essential front-line tool in connecting relationally with others, which is precisely what we are called to do as Christians. Apart from loving God, it is the most important thing we can do.

Jean Miller Counseling Center

“Somatic anxiety" is the name for the physical, as opposed to mental or emotional manifestations of anxiety. Anxiety can be marked by somatic or cognitive symptoms, or both types of symptoms may be present. Examples of somatic symptoms include:

• Stomachache
• Headache
• Muscle tension
• Muscle aches
• Increased heart rate
• Rapid breathing/Hyperventilation
• Sweating
• Shaking
• Nausea

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, and the reality is that in some cases the anxiety can cause symptoms that are incredibly unusual, such as nerve symptoms, trouble swallowing, feelings of lumps, unusual pains, and more. Anxiety can have such an intense effect on the body, sometimes the symptoms themselves become issues that create further anxiety.

Treating anxiety based on whether the symptoms experienced are primarily somatic or cognitive has been shown to have beneficial effects. Treating somatic anxiety symptoms can be difficult, and often involves a comprehensive strategy that focuses on what it's like to live with anxiety symptoms. But even small changes can make a big difference in your somatic symptoms. Some examples of ways to treat somatic anxiety are:

• Getting a massage
• Gentle exercise (like yoga)
• Eating regularly
• Deep breathing
• Relaxing bath or shower
• Healthy sleeping habits

While treating somatic symptoms would only be the first step in reducing anxiety, its an important one, because if you can decrease your physical symptoms even a small amount you may find that your overall anxiety levels become easier to control.

Hopetree Counseling Center

In AD 269 the Roman priest Valentine, was martyred during the reign of Claudius II. He was arrested and imprisoned simply because he was caught marrying Christian couples, a serious crime at the time. Claudius actually took a liking to his prisoner – until Valentine tried to convert the Emperor and he was condemned to death. Although our hero was beheaded, Saint Valentine set a standard for the importance of lovers being together and joining their lives in mutual respect and passion.

As a couples counselor, I witness daily how individuals become lazy in love. At the start of their relationship they probably made a real effort. Once upon a time, he sent her flowers at work, and she wrote him long romantic emails, they talked on the phone until late at night. She may have  gladly sat through the football games and he endured romantic comedies. When they started dating, he planned exciting outings and she cooked him dinner by candlelight and served him breakfast in bed. Well, what happened?

As a relationship becomes more comfortable and familiar, individuals can forget to make the effort needed. Motivation drops when the hunt is over, and the “happily ever after” appears to be locked in. Unhealthy patterns can replace the compassion and romance that once dominated a couple’s time together. Without knowing it, men and women stop prioritizing their special person and start taking him or her for granted. That is when a relationship will likely suffer and passion will grow cold.

It’s never too late to turn things around. Stop neglecting your partner and start doing things that foster a strong, healthy, loving relationship. Here is a list of tips that through my experience have helped others remember the basic Do’s and Don’ts of Love.

• Do walk hand-in-hand together
• Don’t walk one in front of the other
• Do meet and greet each other with a hug every time you get home
• Don’t give the dog attention first
• Do have conversations over dinner sharing the day’s highlights
• Don’t watch the news during your meal
• Do be flexible and compromise
• Don’t pout if you don’t get your way
• Do kiss good-bye every time you part
• Don’t yell “I’m leaving now, see you later”
• Do be supportive of each other’s goals and dreams
• Don’t be judgmental or cynical
• Do sit together on the coach to watch a show or movie
• Don’t watch TV in bed
• Do love, honor and respect
• Don’t undermine, degrade or tease
• Do talk with one another over breakfast
• Don’t read the newspaper during the meal
• Do schedule time for foreplay
• Don’t leave lovemaking until just before falling asleep
• Do ask for what you need
• Don’t try to mind-read or assume your partner can mind-read
• Do accept your partner for his or her uniqueness
• Don’t try to change your partner
• Do have fun together
• Don’t act your age
• Do enjoy each other thoroughly during love making
• Don’t rush through sex or do it the same way every time
• Do surprise your partner occasionally
• Don’t be boring and predictable in the way you show love
• Do plan ahead for birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day
• Don’t buy gifts at the last minute
• Do be quick to forgive
• Don’t hold grudges
• Do lavish with “I love yous”
• Don’t hold back words of affirmation

Creating a loving, long-term relationship is a time-consuming, challenging endeavor that you will face your entire life. But it is also the most rewarding aspect of truly living!

Written by Gina Guddat

It is puzzling to many how to support someone who is grieving. Research has shown that in the first 72 hours after a major loss the bereaved person will hear about 125 comments from well-meaning people. However only about 8% of those comments are helpful. Many people will try to change the subject when the griever most needs to talk about their experience. 

Other comments will suggest they should "not feel bad." These intellectual statements send the message to the hurting person that it is not okay to feel hurt, sad, angry or upset after the loss of a loved one. 

Here are some ideas to help:

• Invite the hurting person to share their experience of their loss or when they heard about it.

• Say, "I can't imagine how painful this is for you."

• Ask, "What was your relationship like?

• Offer a hug.

• Respect the griever's preference regarding alone time, but also make yourself available when they would like to talk about their feelings.

• Keep a supportive attitude no matter what feelings your friend shares (i.e. anger at God, sadness, etc.) You don't need to talk them out of their feelings. Simply listen and acknowledge.

• Take a curious stance: "What is it like to feel that way?";  "What makes it worse?"; "Is there anything that makes it better?"

• Let the griever teach you how to be a good friend in this time of  need.

Visit the Profile of Debra Bronstad

Do you overreact?

Do you have emotional blocks?

Do you sabotage yourself?

Do you have insecurities, fears and phobias?

Do you have emotional hot buttons’?

Do you have painful memories?

Does it take you a long time to calm down?

Unresolved emotional wounds can lead to many of these problems.

MANY EVENTS CAN CAUSE LONG-LASTING EMOTIONAL WOUNDS

· Sexual or physical abuse

· Emotional or verbal abuse

· Death or serious illness of a parent, grandparent or close relative

· Serious illnesses or prolonged hospitalization

· Near drowning or asphyxiation

· Severe asthma or allergy attacks

· Family substance abuse or alcoholism

· Divorce or separation

· Domestic violence

· Prolonged separation from a parent or close family member (due to hospitalization, military service, incarceration, etc.)

· A family member’s depression or mental illness

· Emotional or physical neglect

· Less severe events such as bullying/teasing, parents fighting, frequent moves, or being left home alone as a preteen can cause emotionalwounds if they occur over and over again.

Adult Causes

· Sudden or traumatic deaths of loved ones

· Miscarriages, stillbirths and sometimes abortions

· Serious accidents, illnesses or injuries to self orloved ones

· Near drowning or asphyxiation

· Rape or sexual assaults

· Physical assault, mugging or domestic violence

· Military combat

· Less severe events such as romantic breakups, being fired from a job, harassment or discrimination at work can cause long-lasting emotional wounds when you are at a particularly vulnerable time (such as being pregnant or during prolonged stress).

PAINFUL MEMORIES

Most people have gone through at least one stressful, traumatic, or tragic event in their lives. These difficult events leave an emotional wound, a memory that recreates the original pain whenever you think about it. These experiences usually cause a mix of anxiety,depression, and sometimes guilt.

THE NORMAL COURSE OF HEALING

For many people, when they are given enough support and guidance, these memories heal over several months. When you recall a memory that has healed, you can remember what you felt, but you don’t feel upset in the present. As the memory fully heals, the symptoms of anxiety, depression and anger subside and disappear.

UNHEALED MEMORIES CAN LEAD TO POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

Sometimes, these painful memories do not heal but instead become stronger and more upsetting. In this case you may go on to develop a condition called Posttraumatic stress disorder or PTSD. PTSD can lead to flashbacks, nightmares or just upsetting recollections of the memory. When you have PTSD you often work hard to avoid thoughts, feelings or situations that may trigger the memory.

Getting upset so often can cause you to startle easily, always be on guard, have difficulty sleeping and have frequent temper/anger outbursts. The high level of stress may also make you withdraw from relationships, lose interest in activities, have suicidal thoughts or become emotionally numb. PTSD can also cause other problems such as depression,substance abuse, fears and phobias, etc.

PARTIALLY HEALED MEMORIES CAN CAUSE HIDDEN PROBLEMS

When a memory heals just enough so that you don’t think about it anymore it can cause hidden problems. Let’s say that you witnessed domestic violence as a child or that your first boyfriend beat you. Recalling this memory brings up intense fear and anger. The memory partially heals and so for years you haven’t consciously thought about it. It will seem to you that the memory isn’t affecting your life because you are no longer conscious of its influence. An argument with your spouse now may trigger this unhealed memory causing you to overreact with fear and anger. But since you have learned to keep the memory itself from coming into consciousness you will have no idea that the memory has had any effect. Instead you will probably just think that you are an overly emotional person or that you in fact must not really love your spouse.

These hidden emotional reactions can lead you to make wrong decisions about your career, romantic relationships, parenting, etc. For instance, women who were sexually abused as children often get a strong urge to divorce their husband when their daughter reaches the age that they were abused.

People who were physically abused as children often either are overly harsh with their children or they overcompensate and don’t discipline them enough.

PAINFUL MEMORIES CAN FULLY HEAL

Powerful techniques have been developed over the past 10-15 years to help people identify the effects of painful memories and to get those memories to fully heal. After appropriate treatment, most people report that they can’t get themselves upset about the memory no matter how hard they try. It is now possible for people to reach a place of peace about even the most horrible things imaginable. If a therapist tells you that the pain associated with a memory will always be there, find another therapist.

View the Profile of David Russel

I have read many books on organizational leadership. One such book is called “Built to Last” by Collins and Porras. The authors analyze ingredients of successful companies. One ingredient is the ability for organizations to stick to their core values. The leadership team  communicates the values often, and the employees live and practice the values. Successful companies know the importance of having a clear mission and core values in order to be successful. So this has made me think as to why more  individuals do not live by this. Do you have a personal mission statement? What are your core values?

I would like to share with you some of my core values (Serving Others, Growing with myself and God, Loving others and God, Living with Integrity). I obviously have a long way to go, but these are values that I try to reflect in my life. I miserably fail (and all the time), but when I do, I try to learn from the mistake and press forward. I hope to “serve” others by using my gifts and passions to help others. Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility VALUE others above yourself, not looking to your own interests but to the interests of others”. Wow!. I hope to grow with myself and God as well. When I make mistakes, my goal is to learn from them. I also continue to try to grow in my relationship with God. Colossians 1:10 reflects this core value (“...so that you may live a worthy life and please Him in every way, bearing fruit in every good work, GROWING in the knowledge of God...”). I also seek to live out the value of “Loving God and Others”. Jesus said, “Love the Lord your God with all your HEART, with all your SOUL, and with all your MIND.... And the second greatest commandment is to ‘love your neighbor as yourself’ (Matthew 22:37-38). Finally, I want my behaviors to reflect the value of “integrity”. Proverbs 10:9 says, “Whoever walks in INTEGRITY walks securely, but whoever takes crooked paths will be found out”.

Values-based Behavioral Activation is a behavioral-based treatment which has been a successful treatment for individuals who are depressed. The therapist helps the client to develop their own core values. The therapist then guides the client to try to engage in certain behaviors that may reflect those values. For example, if an individual, has a value of giving. The client will develop a plan for the client to find 1 or 2 specific ways that they can practice the value of “giving” through their behaviors for the upcoming week. There are usually homework assignments and the client will rate how their mood changes when they engage in behaviors that reflect their core values. Cool, huh? What is neat is to see how these type of behavior changes will often result in improved emotional health.

One great aspect about having personal values is that it makes your decisions much easier. Roy E Disney said, “it is not hard to make decisions once you know what your values are”. Consider developing a few core values. Perhaps, you can even develop a personal mission statement. Then try to engage in behaviors that reflect these values. I can only assume if you do this, you will live with greater joy in your life, especially if the values are of substance.

Visit the Profile of David Adams

50% of marriages in America are ending in divorce, 9.4% of the population in Florida are unemployed, people are diagnosed with chronic illnesses every day, and the internet makes changes every second that contribute to the ongoing flow of new information we need to be aware of in order to thrive in this global world we are living in.  Every person will experience some type of change on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis throughout a lifespan.  Change of any kind can add a tremendous amount of stress to our lives.  Adjusting to these changes is the key to maintaining strong emotional and mental well-being.  When your normal life is disrupted with change, you may start to feel sad, confused, lonely, desperate, and angry.  You may act out with behaviors that are unusual for you such as fighting, or dangerous driving.  You may also experience symptoms of both anxiety and depression. 

An Adjustment Disorder is a clinical diagnosis resulting from the development of emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor(s) occurring within 3 months of the onset of the stressor(s). 

Below are some of the normal and expected symptoms you may be experiencing from adjusting to some kind of change taking place in your life.

• Shock / Denial / Anger / Sadness

• Excessive Crying / Confusion / Depression

• Anxiety / Fatigue / Irritability / Loneliness

• Panic Attacks / Changes in Sleep Pattern or Weight

3 Tips for Adjusting to Change: 

Realize Change is Normal:  Allow yourself to feel what comes naturally, express how you are feeling with someone you trust, and realize you may be experiencing the grieving process due to the loss of your old familiar “normal” – this is a completely natural process.  In time, you will adjust to your new “normal” and your feelings of anxiety and depression will decrease.

Expect the Future to be Different:  Understanding that change brings about a different future will help you avoid being depressed and anxious while you are adjusting to the change.  For example, you may have to seek new employment or move away from family, but you may find a more rewarding and better paying job, you may develop stronger bonds with family through communicating long distance because you will put more effort into the relationships – meaning that you will still have a career and family relationships, but they will be different in some way.  Remember change is not necessarily always bad or good, but is always different.  How we adjust and perceive the change is the key to being healthy mentally and emotionally.

Know When to Seek Help:  If your symptoms continue for several months or you begin to realize that these symptoms are interfering with your normal everyday activities and relationships or ability to function, you may need to talk with a professional counselor to help you through this time of adjustment to develop healthy coping skills and a sense of independence to go forward.

Treatment for Adjustment Disorders is usually short term and solution focused.  Counseling is an excellent way to assist you and your loved ones to adjust to any changes in a healthy and productive way.

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Emotions, especially intense feelings, make us uncomfortable. Robert Ogner tells how he and wife overheard a man yelling at his wife that it was time to stop talking about feelings and start being rational. Discomfort with strong emotion isn’t recent. It’s been around for a long, long, long time. And people have disagreed how to handle strong emotions for a long, long time also. Already in 300 BC Aristotle argued that a person ought to be in control of their emotions. Other long-ago philosophers recommended that we disconnect from our feelings and our bodies.

Emotions Cannot Be Disregarded especially in Couple relationships

Unfortunately, we can’t disregard emotion, especially in couple relationships. The gentleman shouting at his wife may have wanted to disregard feelings, yet in his very communication about that desire he was being very emotional! And his emotions were likely not pulling his partner into a closer and more intimate relationship.

Couples therapists, especially emotionally focused couples therapists (EFT), understand that strong feelings like anger are a normal part of couple distress. EFT for couples can help couples discover that strong feelings such as anger are actually feelings that come up when partners are feeling disconnected and distant. EFT counsellors help partners slow down and explore the emotional terrain underneath anger to find tenderness, fear and loneliness. When partners share those kind of emotions with each other, couples become more connected. And that’s what people long for in their partnerships!

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Fear froze Janet.

Six months ago Jack, her husband of twenty years, confessed to years of sexual sin. She had trusted him, and he had broken that trust—and broken her heart.

Had he changed?

Jack was saying all the right things. He had cried and apologized numerous times. He attended therapy and recovery meetings, and he had signed up for an accountability partner in a small group. Jack talked openly with her about his struggles and asked her to pray for him and with him.

Hope rose. Janet decided to forgive him and rebuild their marriage.

Then, a respected friend said, “Men like that never really change. You’re setting yourself up for more heartache.”

Was Jack presenting another false front? Would he return to his old ways once the storm passed? Was her friend right?

What we believe about the possibility of change is one of the most important factors in our personal lives. This belief can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I talked with a friend who had lost important relationships due to poor choices he had made. He was filled with self-contempt and withdrew from even those who continued to love and support him. He said, “I no longer believe I have anything valuable to offer.” His belief directed his self-defeating behavior. He and others who struggle with addictions or long-standing patterns of destructive attitudes and behavior often resign themselves to living in defeat.

We must believe that lasting and substantial change is possible before we can persevere to growth.

Belief in the changeability of intelligence and other abilities also impacts one’s perseverance and determination in other important areas of life. Dr. Carol Dweck, a leading researcher on motivation and change, asserts that a “growth mindset” rather than a “fixed trait mindset” is essential for motivation to succeed. Her research has shown how a “growth mindset” is often the key to academic, career, and athletic achievement.¹

Belief in the possibility of change will shape how we interpret the behavior of others and how we relate to them. For example, my wife once was a substitute teacher in a particularly dismal special education classroom. The students were apathetic and disorderly. One boy told her, “We are the dumb kids. Nobody expects anything out of us.”

She was with them for just a few weeks, but she made it her goal to convey a belief in them by giving affirmation and raising the expectations for their work. She saw marked improvement in their classroom behavior and academic motivation.

Counselors who work with certain difficult populations, like severely delinquent children with attachment disorders, sometimes become disillusioned and cynical about the possibility of change for those in their care. This promotes another type of self-fulfilling prophecy, as they unintentionally convey a hopeless message. They often become more concerned with maintaining order than with passionately and creatively seeking to help. Marriage and family therapists may also descend into hopelessness when dealing with people who are highly resistant and controlling.

Let’s return to Janet, the lady at the beginning of this article.

Rebuilding broken trust is usually a painful and taxing process of three steps forward and two steps back. If Janet does not have the confident belief that real change is possible, she is likely to discredit positive change in her husband. A recent study showed that those who believe moral character can change are much more able to forgive and rebuild trust.²

Can Jack really change? YES! Change is indeed possible!

Counselors or pastors who have been serving for a substantial time have seen lasting change and healed relationships. Although I know of many situations in which healing did not occur, or trust was broken again, I also am personally acquainted with couples who have experienced restoration that has stood the test of time.

However, we have another testimony that is far more trustworthy and authoritative than the experience of counselors or pastors. That is the testimony of the Creator of the universe, the source of all true knowledge and wisdom. God’s Word shows us that substantial and lasting change in moral character and behavior is indeed possible. This is true for cheating spouses, control freaks, abusive husbands, addicts, anti-social teenagers, and those labeled with borderline and narcissistic personality disorders.

Paul prayed for the Ephesian believers that the eyes of their hearts would be enlightened to know what God had given them, and the “incomparably great power” given to those who believe. “That power is like the working of his mighty strength which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead,” (Ephesians 1:19-20).

Just as the Father raised Christ’s dead physical body, the same power is available to believers. However, resurrection requires the death of a former way of life.

The Ephesians had been enemies of God, living in utter selfishness and sensuality. They were lost in distorted belief systems. God showed His great grace when He forgave them and gave them a new life (Ephesians 2:1-5).

God has a plan for His children. “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). Paul was not speaking to perfect people, but to people who were in the process of change.

God promises to forgive and cleanse us when we confess and repent from our sins. (I John 1:9). God promises to help us with our weakness, when we don’t even know what we need or how to ask for it. (Romans 8:26). Even God’s discipline of His disobedient children is for the purpose of producing repentance and change. (Hebrews 12:10-11).

There are many examples of changed lives in the Bible.

Simon Peter thought his love for Jesus was great and his faith strong. He truly believed he would sacrifice anything for Jesus. Yet, when he was faced with persecution, Peter cursed and denied he even knew Jesus.

This was no surprise to Jesus. Before it happened, Jesus said, “But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers” (Luke 22:32). Jesus spoke of Peter’s restoration even before his fall. He proclaimed that God would work through Peter afterward. Peter, who had been ashamed and afraid to acknowledge Jesus in the face of opposition, changed to become a powerful witness for Him, eventually facing a brutal martyr’s death.

Change is possible for anyone who is still living on this earth. God never gives up on us, and if we want to be like Him, we will never give up on each other.

“Love always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Corinthians 13:7).

Even though positive change is always possible, that doesn’t mean it always occurs. In future blogs, we’ll discuss the essential features of change. We’ll chat about how to test for and recognize change and how to set loving boundaries that promote change.

Notes:

¹ Dweck, Carol, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, Random House, 2006.

² Schweitzer, Maurice E., Wood, Alison M., How Implicit Beliefs Influence Trust Recovery, Psychological Science, May 2010; vol. 21, 5: pp. 645-648., March 31, 2010.

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It is important to have a systematic perspective to marriage. A systemic perspective can be quite advantageous, as it is team focused and empowering, rather than demonizing, oppositional and helpless.

So practically speaking, how would a systemic perspective play out in a real-live marriage?

Two common examples are the parent/child and pursuit/disengagement dynamics.

Now, if you’ve been married for any length of time (or even in a relationship past the honeymoon phase), chance are you know exactly what I’m referencing.

The parent/child dynamic is where one partner feels like they have to be a parent because their partner acts like a child, whilst simultaneously the other partner resents their partner for acting like a parent and treating them like a child.

The pursuit/disengagement dynamic is where one partner pursues, to which the other retreats or disengages. This in turn elicits a more “inspired” pursuit, which gives way to ever increasing disengagement or retreat (read, “runs away”).

Can anyone relate here?

These two dynamics alone can be extremely frustrating. The maddening part is that they feed into each other. That’s the dance. Using myself as an example, the more I pull away, the stronger and more panicked my wife pursues. And if her pursuit was off putting in the first place, her doubly intense pursuit is twice as off putting, resulting in my doubly pulling away, which is then 100 times more terrifying to my wife. You may have noticed a slight unaccounted for escalation in my math there. This is because, after careful study, I have found emotions tend to care less about accounting and do not feel the need to make sense.

This plays out identically with the parent/child dynamic, wherein the more a spouse acts like a parent – the more we are literally encouraged and trained to act like a child. And no one is happy.

Madness.

The good news is, it only takes one person to change the system. Either I, or my wife can do something different. I can engage my wife, and more than likely she’ll back off the intensity. My wife can treat me like a grown man (she does!), and more than likely I’ll start acting more like an adult*. So if you’re reading this, be encouraged! You can start the ripple effect, break the cycle, shift the dance and change the system! It all starts by recognizing your own power and influence in THE DANCE.

*I should mention that, treating one like an adult does not necessarily mean leaving them alone. It more entails respect and conversation between equals – i.e. children are scolded and told what to do, adults collaborate and negotiate. More on this later.

 Written by Brad Bychinski