Christian Counselor Directory Blog

It is difficult watching men who have been struggling for years to get themselves free of pornography. I remember going through the challenge of erasing porn from my life and the feelings of frustration and hopelessness each time I failed. Today, as a Christian counselor I get the opportunity to walk with men as they take up the battle against pornography and it’s heartbreaking to hear their stories of endless attempts to get sober only to succumb to temptation over and over again.

“I have tried everything that has been asked of me in the past,” said Larry. “The Internet security, support groups, accountability partners, you name it and I have done it. And don’t get me wrong, they certainly help for a while but it never fails as time goes on the same hurtful feelings start coming back and I find myself using once again. Sometimes I feel like I have done nothing but put a band-aid over my sexual addiction. It stops the acting out until it falls off.”

As Larry spoke, I knew right away what he was struggling with in his quest to be porn free. He had never gotten to the root of his sexual addiction problem. You see, at the heart of all addictions is emotional pain. Addictive behaviors are used in an attempt to conceal the hurt we feel by serving as a distraction. And they do an excellent job at keeping our emotional pain in check – for a brief time. But once the “high” of our addiction has worn off, we find ourselves right back where we started.

Now you may be saying to yourself “I don’t feel any emotional pain. I use pornography simply because I like it.” This is not unusual. What that means is you have done an excellent job in suppressing troubling emotions. In fact, you may have a difficult time in expressing any emotion beyond anger, happiness or sadness. But lying at the core of your addiction is a rationale for why you abuse sex. And that is exactly what you’re doing – abusing sex.

The emotional pain that leads to sexual addictions can take on many different forms. Over the years I have identified numerous reasons men abuse sex including: an overwhelming need for affirmation; a sense of entitlement; the need for control; the hunger for attention; feelings of weakness; inability to emotionally engage; early sexual stimulation or abuse; and a stress buster. It is not uncommon for men to deal with two or more of these emotional troubles.

Behavior modification has its place in treating sexual addictions and is extremely valuable. But a key to freeing yourself from abusing sex is learning to identify and manage your emotional pain. And that requires getting to the root.

Look for Eddie Capparucci's new book entitled "The Making of a Sex Addict: 9 Reasons Why Men Abuse Sex due out in late 2017.

I can’t tell you how many times I have spoken to men who say “yeah, I look at porn but I don’t think I have a problem”. To them, pornography and masturbation are something all men do and it’s not a big deal. What they fail to understand is they're engaging in pornography is damaging to others as well as themselves. So how do you know if you have a serious porn problem that requires professional help?

Here are just three examples:

1. Your wife says she's upset and you still use.- If you are getting pushback from your spouse about your pornography use and you continue to use it knowing the pain it causes you need to see a counselor. It is obvious your need and desire for pornography and masturbation are clouding your ability to see and address her emotional pain. “If she’s upset with porn that’s her problem, not mine,” is something I have heard on numerous occasions from men attempting to justify their actions. Nice attitude to have toward someone you supposedly love. A professional counselor will help you get out of your own head and focus more on addressing the pain your wife feels. Be advise if find yourself in this position your marriage may be in serious trouble.
2. You would rather spend time with porn than people. 
3. If your predominant thoughts when at work, school, or church are centered on pornography; or you find yourself preferring to sit home and watch porn rather than be with friends and family then you need help from a professional counselor. Obsessive sexual thoughts centered on porn images captured by your brain, or an anxiousness in wanting to get to your next opportunity to view porn are key issues that can be addressed with the help of a competent mental health professional. Whether you are aware of it or not your obsession with pornography is crippling your ability to emotionally connect with others, which will result in missing numerous opportunities that would bring you a sense of joy and fulfillment. 
4. Porn/masturbation is hampering your sex life.-It is not unusual for men who engage in chronic pornography/masturbation to suffer from various sexual dysfunctions including: erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and leaky erections. Some men must engage in sexual fantasy by replaying pornographic images in their mind in order to become and stay aroused when having sex with their partner. Chronic pornography use also has been proven to have a negative impact on the brain through the above normal increase of dopamine that is released when viewing. Over time, the brain suffers damage that is similar to that of someone who abuses drugs.

A certified sexual addiction counselor can help in the process of rebooting the brain, while assisting you in learning how to remove pornography from your life.

Mark 5:4 , 15 " ...No one was strong enough to subdue him...When they came to Jesus, they saw the man who had been possessed by the legion of demons, sitting there, dressed and in his right mind;

Have you ever been in a place where you felt like this? Where there seemed to be no solution, no help to be found, your situation was dire because no one had what it took to change the circumstances or those involved including you?

I think we all have been in that place, are there now, or might be heading into it. At these times we often feel alone, afraid, anxious and powerless. Add the self inflicted sense of false guilt because " Christians shouldn't feel this way" or the harsh, legalistic shaming from others that tells us "you need to have more faith..." Or perhaps worse, just neglect and a sense of rejection, and you have a recipe for hopelessness. The Enemy seems to like to use these tactics of our own inner critic, others, and top it of with the resulting isolation from the body, or the pack so to speak. Have you ever watched the nature shows where you see the Lion or the Wolves hunting? Have you noticed that they seem to target those animals that have become separated from the herd? Folks we are sitting ducks when we isolate. It leaves room for all the above. Remember scripture tells us " ...yet we are not unaware of his schemes." Yet when we hurt, we forget and cannot see, that's when we really need one another.

Here is the key, looking back at Mark 5, the man possessed had no hope, as he could not be helped, bound or even caught so someone could try to help. He was out in a desolate, lonely place ....separated. But Jesus....The words jumped off the page at me today that there was one who just so happened to land in that place where he was. Do you think that was an accident? Jesus could and did subdue and bind the Enemy, He also in that process, restored the man to life, broke his isolation and exile, and told him to tell, others how much God had done for him. Wow!! So what in life is overwhelming you, keeping you apart? Have you become hopeless of change or restoration? Run to Him, He has the power, grace and mercy not only to overcome the Enemy, but to heal, restore, and lead you to healthy, life giving relationships in the body.

Recommended reading:

Safe People Cloud & Townsend
Safest Place on Earth. Dr Larry Crabb
He Loves Me Wayne Jacobsen