Christian Counselor Directory Blog

When individuals seek counseling their relationships are often directly or indirectly affected by the issues they are facing. Counseling can help by providing an objective point of view and tools to help build communication and understanding between people, but you don't have to wait to make some immediate changes that will begin to improve your relationships now. Here are some tips that can help:


1. Learn to listen non-judgmentally. You cannot force another person to change but many people try to. The more you push the more they resist. You might even be able to compel the other person to change, for you, for someone else, or for a secondary gain (such avoiding a breakup) but the truth is, lasting change will only come from an internal transformation.

The renowned psychologist Carl Rogers founder of the "person centered approach" to understanding personality, proposed that all individuals have a concept of the person they should be, what he called the “ideal self”. Given the right environment they will grow toward that “ideal self”. In the wrong environment, that "ideal" is something that they see as continually out of reach.

When a individual doesn't feel valued by others they tend to devalue themselves as well. They can become defensive and resistant to change. That does not suggest that they need others to approve of their behavior, but rather that others listen and try to understand their perspective.

Rogers believed that most people know what they need to change, but the truth often hurts, which is why they tend to push back when pressured. When someone feels valued as a person they are more likely to accept the possibility of change without being pressured.


2. Don’t spend the time another person is speaking formulating your response: Just try listening. If you’re thinking of what you’re going to say next, you’re not really listening. Sometimes, especially during a heated conversation, there is a tendency to ignore what others are saying and focus on why they are saying it, even going after their motivation (“why are you bringing this up now?).

Reacting this way is essentially ignoring the message and attacking the messenger. Thus, healthy communication ends and a conversation becomes a battle of words, with each party defending themselves and attacking the other. At this point the whole point of the conversation may be lost. “What were we talking about actually?”

Show that you are listening by “reflecting”, restating what the other person said in your own words: “What you are saying then is that you feel unappreciated?”.


3. Not every statement requires a response. Don’t “one up” others with your similar or more terrible experience. Learn to be comfortable with silence. Silence gives power to a person’s words. It can encourage the other person to continue talking or go deeper. It can also give power to hurtful words when they are directed toward you. Silence can be more effective at demonstrating that word hurt than than a verbal retort that hits back.


4. Speak using “I” statements. Statements prefaced by "You" tend to be confrontational and critical. For example, “You don't care about me” is more confrontational than “It feels to me as if you don't care". The first assumes the other person is uncaring. The second is a personal statement. There is a difference. You statements tend to be attacks and cause defensiveness. I statements are more effective at keeping communication open and resolving issues.


5. Share power. This doesn’t require much explanation. A healthy relationship involves sharing power. People who continually demand their way usually end up in frequent unsuccessful relationships.

"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others." - Brene Brown

What do your boundaries convey to those around you? {Part 1}Boundaries have been coming up a lot in sessions these past few weeks, so I felt they were a relevant topic to discuss. I will focus this email on physical boundaries and the next email on emotional boundaries.

I encourage you to take a look at your own boundaries while reading through this and identify where you can build them up. I will guide you through the process of identifying what your boundaries look like, how they make you feel, and how you can strengthen them.

What ARE boundaries anyway?
Many people have not been introduced to the idea of boundaries or what they look like. Boundaries are established by you, based on what helps you feel comfortable and safe with another person in which you are in relationship with. They are totally subjective to each individual person.

What purpose do boundaries serve?
Boundaries are important for all relationships - not just romantic relationships (which many people think of when you mention boundaries). They allow you to acknowledge what you feel and provide safety in relationships.

How do I know what I need?
Most people actually allow more than they are comfortable with, but don't take the time to be mindful of themselves in a safe situation to figure out what their boundary would ACTUALLY look like. Instead they trudge through life being triggered, feeling anxious, and often not being able to enjoy the relationships in their life. What do I mean by this? Well, when I help my clients establish their boundaries, I first ask them to establish a physical boundary - whether this be with items in the room or through a line that they draw on the ground. After they establish their boundary, I ask them to notice their body and see if this physical boundary indeed feels safe for them (our body is our best resource, and often provides great biofeedback). Often times it is discovered that the client in fact ISN'T comfortable with this physical boundary and there is a deeper emotional reason for this.
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Whether this be that they are afraid of taking up too much space, so they tend to make their boundary smaller than they are comfortable with.

They never knew that they were allowed to set a boundary or didn't know what that looked like and therefore were experiencing major anxiety whenever someone would come closer than desired.

Maybe they thought that they were setting boundaries by not welcoming the person and being somewhat off-ish, but the person moved toward them anyway.

However, until they took the time to be aware of themselves and establish that their boundaries were often being crossed, they would not have had the opportunity to identify what had been causing the discomfort and anxiety that often occurred in social situations. This exercise empowered each of my clients to recognize that:

1. They have the right to set boundaries with others in their life.
2. This gets to look however they need it to look.
3. Having boundaries is healthy, and they had clarity around why so many situations in their life felt uncomfortable.

They were no longer in the dark and had answers to questions that were lingering, and this was so relieving.

How do I set boundaries?
If through reading this, you wonder if your boundaries need further building and strengthening, I would love to help you do this. However, I don't want you to do it all at once. I will send 2 follow up emails this week to encourage you through this process.

When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. - Brene Brown

A few days ago, we talked about physical boundaries and the importance of taking the time to be aware of what your body is telling you about the physical boundaries that you have set. Today, I want to focus on emotional boundaries.

What are Emotional Boundaries?
One of my favorite sayings is, "you teach people how to treat you". Many people respond to this with, "I can't control how others treat me". You are right, you cannot control others, however, you can control how you respond to the way that others treat you.

Emotional boundaries focus on two things:

1. They focus on what you are willing to accept from another person's behavior.

2. They focus on only taking responsibility for your feelings and emotions and not the other person's emotions. Emotional boundaries can get sticky when we start to take on other's emotions. What do I mean by this?

Do you have relationships in which the other person has no regard for how their comments will affect you? I want to take a moment to empower and encourage you that YOU HAVE A CHOICE! You can choose to stand there and let them treat you that way, to let them call you names, to let them yell at you, but you do not have to. You can demand higher respect for yourself.

Do you have a boundary in place to protect you and your emotions? What does it look like?

Are there things in your relationships that are destructive to you?

A lack of emotional boundaries are:
1. Not being able to say no to someone and sacrificing your own emotions.
2. You are giving, giving, giving, and not receiving anything in return from the relationship.
3. You are being abused - the other person gets to do and say whatever they want and you allow it.
4. You feel emotionally exhausted after engaging in conversation or time with this person.

Do any of these feel relevant in your life?

"Lack of boundaries invites lack of respect." ― Anonymous

Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring (just) because I don’t do things your way. I care about me, too. - Christine Morgan

You have taken the time to do some self-reflection. How has it been going?


So far, you have taken the following steps:


1. You identified what your physical boundary looks like. I would encourage you to give it as much character as you need to be able to envision it. Red, prickly, a bubble, soft, glass, etc.


2. You decided how far your boundary would span. Was there anything that created discomfort in deciding this? Were you afraid that you might get pushback from someone when setting this boundary?


3. You then practiced putting this boundary in place. While you were practicing, did you verbally express this boundary to those around you?


Ask for What You Need.
The #1 thing to remember when setting a boundary. You are NOT responsible for the other person's reaction/response to your boundary. You are only responsible for doing what is best for you by asking for what you need.


Setting Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries can encompass any of the following:
1. Your body
2. Personal Space
3. Privacy


Personal Space
You explored one area of setting a physical boundary when you examined how much space you needed to feel comfortable. Now, lets take this a step further. What would it look like if you made others aware of your personal space by setting a boundary? The following are some examples of ways to enforce your boundary:


1. If someone comes into your personal space, you can move away. This shows them through body language that they have come too close.
2. You can say to them, "I am uncomfortable with this amount of space, I am going to take a step back."
3. If they continue to move closer, you can put your hand up, tell them to stop, and move back yourself.
4. If they continue not to respect your boundary, you can walk away.


Boundaries do not have to be rude. You are asking for what you need. Most people will respect that.


Privacy
We all need and deserve privacy. The level of privacy each person needs though is individual. Maybe this means that you are in the bathroom or your bedroom and need privacy. Maybe this means that you have a journal or place in your phone that you keep notes that are personal. The following are some examples of ways to enforce your boundary:
1. Express what you want and need.
(ex. You can say, " I need privacy in my bathroom or bedroom, and I ask that you not come in unless you knock, out of respect for me and my privacy.")


2. You discover that your boundary isn't enough and you need more.
(ex. The person respected your boundary and knocked, but didn't wait until you responded and came in. You can then say, "I appreciate you respecting what I asked for with knocking, would you also wait until I respond, as I also need that time to prepare for you to open the door.")


3. Can I say no to someone after they respected my boundaries?
Yes. You can ALWAYS say no. If someone respects what you have asked for thus far and you still feel like you need further privacy, you can always ask for that. (ex. "Thank you for respecting my boundaries. Now is not a good time, can you come back please?")


The same goes for a journal or private notes in your phone. If someone asks you to read them and you do not want someone to read them. (ex. You can say, "No. Those are my private notes and I do not feel comfortable with you reading them.")


Your Body
Your body is sacred and you get to treat it as so. You get to determine what you are comfortable with and who you are comfortable with.


If you have experienced a boundary violation in this area, I would encourage you to spend extra time around figuring out what feels safe for you.


YOU get to determine what feels safe. Do you feel comfortable letting anyone hug you at any point? Does it matter whether they hug you from the front or come from behind you? Do you need to be in a good spot mentally to accept touch/hugs? What do you need around feeling safe with touch?


You can set boundaries around your body by saying:
"I am not comfortable with you touching me without my permission."
"Please ask my permission or let me know before you come up to hug me."
"I will let you know what I am and am not okay with. I am not okay with you touching me however and wherever you want."
If they are touching you without your permission or aggressively, you can tell them to, "Stop!", push them away, then walk or run away to a place that you feel safe.


In all of three of these areas, there can be different comfort levels. It can change our comfort level if we are the ones initiating touch, the proximity, or level of privacy, in comparison to someone else initiating it. We can feel more comfortable if we initiate and less comfortable with others. When others initiate, it can be unpredictable, which can raise the levels of discomfort. ​

Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have. ―Anonymous

Let's Review.

So far, you have taken the following steps:

1. You identified times that you feel angry, sad, or guilty in a relationship.

2. You identified situations or people that you may need to set emotional boundaries with.

3. You noticed how you feel after someone crosses your emotional boundary.


Setting Emotional Boundaries
Most people have never been exposed to or taught what healthy boundaries look like. Therefore, this tends to be a foreign concept for many, so If you have felt that during this process, you are most definitely NOT ALONE!

Notice Warning Signs
Are there relationships or situations that you consistently find yourself feeling guilty, angry, or sad? Do you find that you feel disrespected and drained? Do you have a sensation in your body, your gut telling you that something isn't right?These may be warning signs or red flags signifying that a boundary needs to be set. What are the red flags in your relationships?

Notice the Obstacles
It can be easy to neglect and ignore red flags that pop up in hopes that things will get better. It can also feel overwhelming to think about setting a boundary, especially if you have never put one in place. Setting a boundary can also feel unpredictable with not knowing how the other person will respond.

Take some time to acknowledge the feelings that you experience when you think about setting a boundary. Fear and guilt are two common feelings that are experienced when one thinks about enforcing their boundary. What will that person think of me? Will they still want to be around me if I am direct with them?

Stay present with these obstacles that come up for you. If you ignore these red flags and let these obstacles get in the way, they keep you from setting a boundary, leaving you feeling stuck and drained from this relationship.

Give Yourself Permission.
This step is absolutely one of the most important. You have to be willing to acknowledge how you feel and allow those feelings to take priority. Once you have allowed your feelings to be a priority, you can then give yourself permission to set boundaries around your needs. This allows for you to be empowered and stand up for yourself.

Everyone is Responsible for their own happiness
It is not your job to make sure that everyone around you is happy. Bad boundaries exist when you are focused on taking care of others and neglect your own needs. This leaves you feeling exhausted and unfulfilled.

Healthy boundaries allow you to take a step back and remember that you can only control how you feel. You cannot fix or change anyone else. Therefore, you have to let them be responsible for their own happiness.

Own Your Feelings.
Your feelings deserve room in the relationship. However, no one else can decide this or fight for this, except for you. If you are not okay with something, trust your gut. Trust that you know what you need. Be willing to only own your feelings and don't worry about protecting everyone else's. When you start allowing your feelings to be acknowledged, you are doing what is best for you. The weight of the world comes down on you when you carry your and everyone else's feelings. Own your own happiness.

Saying No.
​"I encourage people to remember that “No” is a complete sentence."
― Gavin de Becker
You get to say no if someone is asking you to do something that does not align with your morals or you are simply not okay with. Saying no allows you to stand up and protect what is best for you and doesn't sacrifice your needs. Saying no, protects you from giving and giving and not receiving anything in return.


Also, if someone makes you uncomfortable with how they are treating you, you do not have to stay and take it. You get to say, "I feel disrespected and I will not stand here and let you treat me this way. If you continue to do so, I will walk away, or I will leave."


What are the biggest obstacles standing in your way of setting a boundary?
Are you fearful that the other person won’t respect it?
Do you fear that you will lose the relationship?
Do you fear being an inconvenience to others?
Do you fear that you will feel guilt in setting an emotional boundary?

You best teach others about healthy boundaries by enforcing yours. ― Bryant McGill

Do you desire a more present and enjoyable life?
What about the ability to live for each moment and not feel so numb?

I have mentioned to you that I am training for Sensorimotor Psychotherapy currently and will continue to do so throughout the next few months. This therapy is AMAZING and is blowing my mind with how well it works. When we are willing to connect and be open without judgement to what our body needs to communicate, it is able to release in the way that it needs to. We tend to get stuck thinking about how we feel and therefore neglect our body. Often, when you ask someone what they are feeling, they give you a thought. We are a very cognitive society, however, this doesn't give our body the space and acknowledgement it deserves. It has it's own experience with whatever trauma or stress you endured.

When we give our bodies permission to FEEL, we allow for any energy that is pent up to be released, whether that be through movement, emotion, or simply through mindfulness (being present with our body in the moment without judgment). Often times, it can be uncomfortable to allow ourselves to connect with our bodies. Maybe you feel sensations that you would rather ignore, maybe you have pain, or maybe emotions arise that are too overwhelming.

Our bodies are not meant to be sedentary after trauma or stress. Trauma is meant to be released, not held in and suppressed within our bodies. Emotions and sensations are there, whether we want to acknowledge them or not.

If you are a current client, you have maybe heard me tell the story of how a Gazelle handles trauma. When a Gazelle is being chased by it's predator, it is in flight (fight, flight, or freeze). To survive, it's frontal cortex (reasoning part of the brain) has to shut off and it has to flee as fast as it can to survive! While this fleeing is taking place, it's nervous system is pumping cortisol (stress hormone), and adrenaline through it's body. It's heart is racing and the body is working in full force. When the Gazelle is able to escape it's predator, it's body goes into repair mode by shivering it's entire body to "shake off" the trauma that it just experienced. It's life was in danger and it survived. But just because it survived does not mean that the trauma does not still exist within the body.

​The same is true for a Dog. Have you ever sat with a dog shaking through a thunderstorm? Their way of dealing with stress and anxiety is by "shaking it off".
These responses for both the Gazelle and the Dog are instinctual. They don't think about the fact that they need to shake, but rather their body takes care of it for them by doing what it needs to do to get back to a place of calm.

We as humans love to suppress any effects that we have from traumatic experiences, because it is too uncomfortable to allow ourselves to feel what comes after this kind of experience. Some common things that people face after a traumatic experience are: anxiety attacks, they feel like they could crawl out of their skin, they are hyper aware of their surroundings, and they have difficulty falling asleep. Their body is ON, full force, all of the time. This state is EXHAUSTING, it gets old, and it doesn't allow for the person to live their normal life. This is frustrating and people want the quickest possible way to get it to stop, so they can feel normal again. Suppressing these emotions and not acknowledging what our body just experienced does nothing, but trap the trauma. The trauma gets stuck and doesn't have the ability to move, until we give it the opportunity to do so.

So, what can we learn from these other creatures? Well, that we may need to give ourselves time, space, and the ability to check in with our bodies and acknowledge how they have faced trauma or stress. Once we have given ourselves the time and space to do so, we can allow for any releasing that needs to happen whether it be through movement, releasing of emotion, or simply acknowledging sensations that may feel stuck.

Therapy is tough, especially when confronting emotions and sensations that we would rather ignore. But the freedom that comes from allowing our body to not be held captive anymore, is refreshing. It allows you to live again. The more we are able to be mindful, the more we can check into the moment and enjoy our experiences to the fullest extent.

​Are you feeling stuck? Do you find yourself in thought and unwilling to get connected with your body? Are you ready to break free and allow yourself permission to not feel trapped anymore?

Mindfulness is a way of befriending ourselves and our experience.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn