Christian Counselor Directory Blog

When answering “When is the best time to have the sex talk with my child?”, I encourage you to first change the question. Here are some questions to ask instead:

How can I help my child understand his/her sexuality?
What is the best way to have open discussions about sex in our home?
How do I ensure my child develops a healthy, adaptive sexual identity that he/she feels confident in expressing within God’s plan?
How do I raise a child that understands and desires sexual purity?
These questions lead to different answers and also help to reframe your parenting approach regarding sex and sexuality with your children. Additionally, these questions seem invoke less fear and less pressure regarding the subject within your parenting of your children. It does not come down to one shot at getting “the talk” right with your child. Instead, it is a mindset, an approach, an ongoing relationship with your children that acknowledges sexuality as part of God’s creation and God’s plan. It acknowledges that as human beings, we have the capability of expressing ourselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually.

Donna Gresh in her article “The Secret to Raising Sexually Pure Kids” discusses the timing of the “sex talk”:

I used to think that I could wait until my children hit puberty before starting any conversation about sexuality. But experts in child development say parents should talk to their children about sexuality long before the kids reach their teen years. In fact, children tend to be most receptive to their parents’ sexual values when they are around 8 or 9.

One study evaluated an abstinence curriculum’s effect on different age groups. Students in the upper elementary grades were the most likely to make favorable attitude changes about delaying sexual activity while high school students were the least likely to change. When kids turn 13 years old, parents become cruel dictators with archaic ideas about hairstyles, clothing, and social outings. Presenting sexuality at this point just adds it to a long list of “thou shalt nots” to be challenged and questioned. Presenting the subject of sex and values a few years earlier enables you to build a foundation that kids are likely to take to heart.

Discussing sexuality begins when a child is a toddler and he/she is naming body parts. It is important to start the discussion of God’s creation regarding sexuality with anatomically correct language. As a little boy names his eyes, nose, ears, and belly button, he should also learn penis and scrotum. A little girl should understand she has fingers, toes, and a vagina with labia. It can start a confusing journey if we use anatomically correct language for all body parts but those that have to do with our sexuality. We want our children affirmed in their body and affirmed in their sexuality. Pet names or complete avoidance of naming sexual areas of the body can lead to feelings of avoidance, lack of acceptance, or associated with shame.

Discussing privacy and private parts is important to start at a young age. It is important for young boys and young girls to know who is permitted to see them naked and who is not. Who is allowed to touch their penis, vagina, and breasts, and who is not.

Take the opportunities to discuss sexuality within the context of family events. When we were pregnant with our fourth child, we discussed pregnancy and childbirth with our 4-year-old twins. We explained that it was due to the love between us as husband and wife that lead to the conception of a new baby sister. We explained that the baby was growing in mommy’s uterus. The boys participated in the week by week What to Expect When You’re Expecting app. They learned that the baby would be birthed through mommy’s birth canal. This was one of our first sexual education chapters in our family at 4 years old. This lesson builds upon their knowledge of their sexual organs and furthers their understanding of sex and its purpose in our lives.

As you see or hear things that have to do with sexuality, discuss them with your growing children. Have developmentally appropriate conversations. Create an atmosphere and an environment in your home where there are no dumb questions and curiosity is welcomed. As your child starts to express different thoughts and feelings regarding sexuality, respond warmly and openly. Do not respond with judgment or criticism, but encourage them to open discussion by saying “tell me more” or “that is interesting” or “hmm”. Only offer knowledge, insight, and information when the child has asked you to share. If he or she is sharing, encourage his or her talk by listening, not by talking. This will help to create a safe place and will develop a stronger connection with your child. You do not necessarily desire the “expert” relationship with your child, but an open dialogue regarding sexuality.

Do not separate sexuality from God, but instead, emphasize how sexuality is from God and of God. Discuss sexuality within the meta-narrative of scripture. God created male and female. He created us to be sexual and to reproduce. Sex was created to be a pleasurable and joyful union of souls between a husband and a wife. Theologically, sex between a husband and a wife is a foreshadow of the future union between Christ and the Church.

Rob Jackson encourages urgency in his article “How to Start Early”

The main thing about sex education is to get started. Let’s teach the sanctity of sexuality. Our children need to learn that God ordained sexuality to be the means in which they – and everyone else – come into existence for all eternity.

We need to understand our children and the difficult culture in which they live. As parents – and, more important, as older brothers and sisters in Christ – we have the privilege to teach them what we have learned in relationship to God and His plan for the family.

There are many parents who desire a healthy, warm relationship with their children. Often the parents we work with have good intentions, but their efforts are often counter-productive in their desire for an open conversation in their home. Instead of creating a place for conversation, they create a place for arguments and shut downs.

Dr. Kevin Leman gives wise advice in his book Have a New Kid by Friday:

“If you want a child to talk to you, don’t ask questions. Instead, get quietly involved in their world. Talk about what they’re interested in—even if it’s not what you’re interested in….’That’s interesting. Tell me more about it.’”

It is a conversation skill to be able to engage with a child without asking questions. And, if you do ask questions, to only ask open-ended questions. If the question can be answered with a yes, no, grunt, or shrug: the adolescent will most definitely take this short-answer option. The key is being selfless and willing to communicate on the child’s terms. This may also include how you converse with a child. This may include utilizing social media and texting as a form of communication in your home. This is the language that kids speak. In order to connect with them, one must be willing to speak in their native tongue, which includes technology.

Here are some common ways that parents poison their relationship with their adolescent and thus kill the conversation in their homes, according to Dr. Scott Sells of Parenting with Love and Limits.

Bringing up the past
Attacking the person rather than the misbehavior
Making compliment sandwiches (a compliment followed by the word “but”)
Intimating that the teen must be good to earn your love
Offering no opportunities to regain trust
The anecdote to these five poisonous acts are these five strategies for restoring nurturance in your relationship, also from Dr. Sells:

Special outings (one on one, outside the house, scheduled, consistent weekly)
Accept underlying feelings
Provide undivided attention
Just listen and respond with “oh” and “mmm”
Reply nonjudgmentally: help him to feel heard rather than criticized, ignored, or misunderstood
Try responding with “It seems like….” Or “Sounds as if…”
Power of hugs
Be the first to restore good feelings
Give your child opportunities to regain trust

Here are 10 things to consider when you are contemplating toddler discipline:

1. Discipline means “to teach”
The word discipline can have a negative connotation and can be associated with “punishment”. However, when you consider it as a synonym to teach, to train, or to coach, it takes on a more inclusive meaning for a parent. When you are disciplining your toddler, you are actually teaching and training to obey as well as coaching the child to be a respectable member of our society.

2. Say “no” when you mean it
It is vital to have power behind your “NO”. As an authority figure, you must stand firm when you respond with the negative reply “No”. If you retract your “No” or permit the behavior to continue the “No” loses its significance and paves the way for disrespectful children. Ensure the importance of “No” by being firm and consistent even if your child ignores, resists, or defies you. If necessary, physically remove the child from the activity if he does not follow your direction.

3. Say “yes” as often as possible
As much as it is important to say “no”, it is also vital to say “yes” to your child. If the request is reasonable and possible, grant it. The more your child is permitted to do safe, fun, and enriching tasks that they request, the more likely they will accept the necessary limits that get set.

4. Use distraction
Being creative and re-directing your toddler’s behavior will assure that he is not always hearing “No”. Toddlers are easily distracted by the next best thing. If you do not want a toddler climbing in the dishwasher while you are trying to load it, simply remove her from the kitchen and engage her with appropriate toys in another room. Play with her for a few minutes and then return to your kitchen clean up. Looking out the window with your toddler, engaging them in another toy, switching activities, reading a book or singing songs are all ways to re-direct a toddler to appropriate behavior.

5. Show the child the behavior you desire
Saying “stop that” to inappropriate behaviors is futile. Be proactive and demonstrate to your child exactly what behavior you want instead of constantly saying “Stop that. Engage your child in a conversation of the behavior you desire. Praise your child when they accomplish the behavior you were hoping to achieve.

6. Coach coping skills and problem solving skills
It is important for a toddler to develop frustration tolerance. Coaching a child how to cope is important for their development. This can include daily tasks of getting dressing, bathroom duties, waiting in line, eating at a restaurant, or riding in the car. Do not provide your toddler a cell phone or electronic device during these times. These devices are a stimulant and will not teach coping skills. Encourage your toddler to solve problems on their own by giving valid choices during stressful times so they soon will feel comfortable. Take breaks with your toddler when you observe them getting over-tired, over-stimulated, or overly frustrated with the situation.

7. “Use your words”
When your child is in a time of emotional distress, teach them how to communicate. When they can verbally express their needs, encourage them “use their words.” A child can learn that an adult responds positively to verbal communication and not to whining, crying or yelling. Teach to utilize emotion words like “Are you sad?” or “Are you angry?” Help them utilize words to express feelings and needs clearly.

8. Affirm positive behavior
Toddlers love pleasing the adults in their life. They love performing and accomplishing new tasks. Clap, smile, praise, hug, jump, dance, and sing with your child when they demonstrate positive or new behaviors. Affirm them verbally regarding development of good character like sharing, being polite and patient, showing kindness, listening well and apologizing.

9. Utilize strategies to “start” desirable behaviors
Kids have a natural tendency to want to compete and win. Timers can work very well for toddlers. “I am setting the timer and want the toys put away before it goes off.”
Anything you can do to make an activity fun will be better received by a toddler: encourage the activity you desire her to start by using songs, rhymes, or making it a game.
Do simple charts with a toddler. Put the days across the top, and down the side list the different tasks (no more than four things) the child will be working on. If the child completes the task, it is indicated with a sticker. Rewards for completing items on the chart can be a toy, a piece of candy, or a special meals. The best ideas are relatively small things that can be dished out frequently and in small pieces. They do not have to be costly.
Avoid some problems by allowing he world to teach the child what works and what does not. This would include being hungry (she refused to eat) or being cold (she refused to wear a coat).

10. Utilize strategies to “stop” unwanted behaviors:

Use a firm voice.
Be specific about which behavior is unwanted and needs to stop.
Utilize time-out as a negative consequence. Have a specific place, utilize a timer, and set time to be one minute for every year old. Re-start the timer for yelling or noncompliance.
Give a warning for a specific consequence if a behavior does not stop and utilize a “1,2,3” count before giving the consequence.
Use “If, then” plans with the toddler. “If you stop crying, we can go on a walk.” “If you sit nicely in the cart in the grocery store, we can ride the toy pony at the front of the store.” Follow through with the reward only if it is earned.
Provide choices for compliance versus disobedience. “You can choose to stop teasing your brother and continue playing; or, you can go to timeout if I hear you call him another name.”
Praise and affirm the desired behavior.

There is hope for a life without temper tantrums. It is realistic to believe that you can go out peacefully in public with your 3 ½ year-old although you may feel like you need to go to a counseling for children specialist. Here are some suggestions regarding your perspective, your relationship, your communication style, and parenting strategies to tackle the temper tantrums.

First, it is important to adopt the perspective that you are the parent and you will not be held hostage by temper tantrums. You need to decide not to allow emotional blackmail by your child. It is important to understand that it is in your child’s best interest not to give in to temper tantrums. When you surrender to the meltdowns, your child’s inappropriate emotional behavior is positively reinforced. Your child receives the message that misbehavior will get him what he wants. His mindset will become “Give me my way or endure me acting out.” On the contrary, when you stand firm, your child will have to solve the problem in a more appropriate way. This encourages better communication skills, effective emotional regulation, and better long-term problem solving skills. Your child will therefore develop the coping skills necessary to handle difficult situations and to function in a respectable way in public places.

Secondly, having a secure connection with your child is vital to compliance. Take an inventory of things you say to your child in a day, and it may be surprising how many would be interpreted by your child as “demands” or “correction” or “permission.” Children also need to be affirmed, heard, encouraged, and enjoyed. Sometimes when parents get busy, they may lose sight of child-directed activities. It could be considered a red flag if your child is just an accessory to getting your “to-do list” accomplished or getting your child to comply helps to “check-off” something on your list. Additionally, children don’t like feeling coerced. If going to public places seems to always be about the parent accomplishing tasks, the child may feel forced to participate in activities that were not his idea. It is necessary to increase the amount of time spent just connecting with your child without an agenda. It is also vital to have several short time segments throughout the day that is child-centered and do not include parent-enforced guidelines. Kids are more cooperative when they feel a caring relationship. Ensure a balance of times that you approach your child with demands and times that your presence simply signals a moment of loving connection.

How you communicate with your child is another key to sidelining temper tantrums. It is important to not “ask” your child to do something, if you are not going to respect his answer. As an adult when we ask a friend it may be a “yes” or “no” answer. But when we ask our child we sometimes expect compliance. Therefore it can be very frustrating when a child refuses but you insist that he comply. You should only ask questions that you will be willing to accept his answer. If you insist on compliance, then it is important to “tell” your child with a clear, concise statement what you want him to do. If he therefore resists, you can reinforce that you did not ask, but you told him to do something. The next step would be then to provide a consequence if he chooses to not comply with what you told him to do. For example, if it is bath time and bath time is not optional, do not say “Would you like to take a bath?” Instead say, “It is bathtime! We are going to get undressed and get in the bath tub now.” If the child resists, provide choices in the process of getting the bathtime accomplished: “Would you like to walk to the bathtub or mommy carry you?” or “Would you like bubbles or no bubbles” or “Are you getting undressed or is mommy taking your clothes off for you?”

Always be firm with your request and not “needy”. The poorest way to deliver a request is to begin it with, “I need you to…” It weakens you, and places too much power with your child to either fulfill your need, or deny it. Additionally, don’t end a request with, “Okay?” as in, “It’s time to brush your teeth, okay?” Speak decisively and with authority so he gets the message that you are not willing to negotiate.. Before you deliver an instruction, you can say “eyes on me” or “please look at mommy” to ensure that you have his attention. Then, keep your request minimal and brief. When your child is compliant and does follow instructions the first time praise the child and affirm his helpful, positive behavior. Ensure that your child feels appreciated for being cooperative.

It is important to have a few specific strategies for the temper tantrums if and when they do occur.

Be aware of your child’s tendencies. When does he easily get frustrated? When might he be overly stimulated? When might he be over tired? Which situations may be triggers for temper tantrums?
Prepare yourself and your child for these times. Communicate to your child ahead of time that if he gets frustrated or is having a difficult time to express that to you so that a break can be taken. Be prepared to take a break with your child and be prepared to leave early if necessary.
Set expectations regarding temper tantrums before going into public. Let your child know what the consequence will be for a temper tantrum.
If your child has been consistently acting out in public, do smaller test runs. Take your child on a shorter errand first and communicate that it is a test to see if he can handle a longer trip to a grocery store or mall. Coach your child through the smaller steps and encourage positive coping skills and appropriate problem solving skills.

Decide what the child’s limits will be in the public place and communicate those in the car before arriving. It is best to keep these limits to 3 items. Such as:

1. Respond to first request.
2. Accept “no” for an answer.
3. Don’t raise your voice or misbehave physically.
Have a reward in place for compliance while in public—which does not have to be purchasing something at the location. A reward can include choosing the song or radio station in the car, choosing what is for dinner, getting extra time on electronics at home, or a small treat like a piece of candy or gum.
If a rule is broken, have a consequence in place. Communicate ahead of time of what will occur if any or all of the rules for being out in the public place are broken. Leaving the public place immediately is an appropriate consequence, however, ensure that you are prepared to follow through with the stated consequence. It is important that the consequence is clear, consistent, and capable of completion by the parents.
If the child does throw a tantrum in public, be prepared to leave immediately. If the tantrum is still active, you may choose to not become physically involved. If the child is small, you may be able to hold his hand and walk to the car. If he resists, it is best to wait the tantrum out. Try to pay little attention to the “show”. Read a book, check your phone, sit and people watch while your child completes his meltdown activity. The less attention you provide, the less you reinforce the behavior. Then, leave the public place and enforce the pre-stated negative consequence for breaking the rules.
By adjusting your perspective, seeking loving connection with your child, modifying your communication, and implementing these strategies the situation with your child’s temper tantrums will improve.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “my child has a hitting problem.” It is not uncommon for children to express themselves through aggressive behavior. What is important to note is when a child is consistently responding to situations and people with aggressive and defiant behavior. As the parent, it is important to recognize the situations in which the hitting takes place, your child’s emotions in the situation, their actions (hitting and other responses), whom aggression is directed, and what might be triggering aggression.

As a parent, it is valuable to understand the limits and boundaries your child needs, to promote and encourage positive development and individual thriving.

According to Patty Wipfler stated, “Odd as it may seem, children who hit are children who are afraid…To manage the fear, the frightened child develops aggressive behavior that flares any time she feels scared when her fears are triggered, she tightens up, can’t ask for help, and lashes out.”

If a child hits, and is doing so because of feeling scared or vulnerable, it is especially important to address the behavior calmly. A child needs to feel safe and connected with you as the parent in addition to providing consistency when teaching and training a child in how to or not to engage with others. According to Dr. Joan Simeo Munson, for children between the ages of 18 – 20 months keep the instruction simple, while holding a child and telling him or her, “we don’t hit and it hurts”. Dr. Munson continues, for children 3-7 years old, they can begin to verbally communicate more of their experiences. Parents need to establish clear boundaries with their child and clear consequences, such as time at the park ends as soon as hitting happens. Children need to recognize hitting another child is severe and serious and results in loosing a privilege and consequence for behavior, especially if it places other children in a vulnerable situation.

Parents need to remember to not take personally the emotions of the child and to react emotionally and impulsively. Take time to recognize how the child is feeling and empathize with the child. Dr. Munson stated, “It’s easy to respond to your child’s aggression with yelling or anger, but remember, your child is looking to you for cues on how to control his impulses and have good behavior.” One method is to take a child’s hands, hold them, and focus on what his hands are for (helping, hugging, being gentle and kind to others, etc.) and not for harming and hitting others. It is important for the child to know they are connected with and that they are unconditionally loved.

Sources:

Wipfler, P. 3 Tools to Stop the Hitting. Retrieved from http://www.handinhandparenting.org/article/3-tools-to-stop-the-hitting

Munson, J.S. Hitting, Biting and Kicking: How to Stop Aggressive Behavior in Young Children. Retrieved from http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Aggressive-Behavior-in-Young-Children.php#ixzz3VcPisrhi
We’d be glad to talk more! Contact us with any questions!

If you are wondering how to build a healthy teen-parent relationship with your teen, one of two things may be true:

You are fearful of not having a close relationship with your child who is becoming a teenager.
You already have a damaged or distant relationship with your teenager.

Either way, it is important to start with some self-exploration. Ask yourself: What are my expectations of my child during his teenage years? What type of relationship do I Healthy-teen parent relationshipexpect from my teenager? What kind of relationship does my teen expect from me? Revisit your own adolescent years and remember what you were thinking and feeling. Ask, what do I wish my parents may have done differently with me while I was a teen?

During the adolescent years, a sense of identity develops, focus on self increases, close friendships gain importance, and affection toward parents decline. All of these factors influence the parent-teen relationship. As teens increase in their independent functioning, they often experience emotions more intensely, frequently seek instant gratification, and regularly do not consider long-term consequences. During these years, they may not want a parent; but, they need a parent. They need the stability, consistency, discernment, and unconditional love that only a parent can provide. Parenting a teen starts with having realistic expectations, continues with accepting the developmental process, and ends with treating him with the same respect you desire. Approaching him with an affirming tone while also setting firm boundaries is a fantastic start to a close relationship with your teen.

Dr. Scott Sells in Parenting Your Out of Control Teenager suggests six strategies to reclaiming love between you and your teenager. These strategies are effective to build or to restore a relationship with your teen.

Strategy #1: Special Outings

Schedule special outings with your teen each week. This does not have to include expensive activities or an extended period of time. These outings should also not be a reward based on behavior, but a designation in the schedule to spend time together.

Strategy #2: Accept Underlying Feelings

When your teen is willing to share his thoughts and feelings, be willing to hear and acknowledge them. Provide undivided attention as he shares with you. Listen and respond with “oh” and “mmm”. Reply nonjudgmentally. When you criticize or react, he will then retreat. Identify what your teen might be feeling underneath the surface. Your goal is to help him to feel heard rather than ignored or misunderstood. The teen who hears words that describe what he is experiencing will be deeply comforted. Even if you are totally off base, your teenager will correct you and describe how he is really feeling. “it seems like…” “Sounds as if…” “Am I close or way off?”

Strategy #3: The Power of Hugs

Virginia Satir, family therapist, recommends four hugs per day for survival, six hugs per day for maintenance, and eight hugs per day for growth. Even if your teenager is acting “too cool” for a hug from his parent, find ways to initiate physical touch. Kisses on the forehead, a warm arm around the shoulder, a pat on the back are all ways to warm your teen up. Don’t stop offering and giving hugs, even when he seems “too old”.

Strategy #4: Be the First to Restore Good Feelings

If and when you have an argument with your teen, always be the first person to re-engage the relationship. Be the first to offer forgiveness and grace. Be the first to be warm in conversation again. Be the first to initiate time together.

Strategy #5: Give Your Teen Opportunities to Regain Trust

Your teenager will often test boundaries and experiment with the extent of his adolescent freedom. When he breaks your trust, allow for natural consequences and provide external negative consequences. Communicate to him that he has broken your trust. Then, provide mandatory, structured, and limited opportunities for him to regain your trust. Teens need to believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel when there has been a punishment. Provide him with ways to restore the trust and earn age-appropriate freedoms.

Strategy #6: Creating Soft Talk

Dr. Kevin Lehman in Have a New Kid by Friday writes: “If you want a child to talk to you, don’t ask questions. Instead, get quietly involved in their world. Talk about what they’re interested in—even if it’s not what you’re interested in….’That’s interesting. Tell me more about it.’” Find ways to engage in every day conversation with your teen. Be willing to get involved and to engage with him where he is.


References:

Lehman, Kevin. Have a New Kid by Friday: How to change your child’s attitude, behavior, and character in five days. Grand Rapids: Revell Books, 2008. Print.

Sells, Scott P. Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager: 7 Steps to Reestablish Authority and Reclaim Love. New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2001. Print.