God implores the parent to teach, guide, discipline, and to be the example that is appropriate for their children-consistently; without exacerbating or creating intolerance/rebellion. God speaks of teaching the children morning, noon, night without ceasing of His principals and of His love and justice. The "hows" were not exactly provided other than the above instruction.
Parenting is an awesome role and responsibility given to those blessed with children. As with most all situations when one deals with life, the parents must adjust as the baby begins to have mobility, and again adjust with teaching the child life skills that will create the character and integrity suitable to negotiate healthy relationships, vocations, lifestyle, and sense of self; as the child grows into the adult who is a contributing person to the family, community, and nation, and then called upon to be able to lovingly and effectively guide their own children through the developmental process.
RESEARCH AND COUNSELING
Often as I work with children/adolescents-and when addressing negative behaviors I will simply pose a question, Why? Many times the answer appears to solely rest on three factors: One or more parent has stated that this child will not be any good, has stated the child is stupid and does not know how to think or act, or that the child will never achieve anything of great merit, and/or will be like Uncle ? who in fact is the family's addicted member, or incarcerated member; therefore the parent is providing mixed messages and little confirmation, praise, guidance, affirmation, or validation in the perception of the child. OR the child is using their parent or significant other's example of poor decision making, poor self control, and bad judgment, or substance use, as well as; the child is perceiving their world from a viewpoint of entitlement and is oppositional of authority figures; possibly due to overly submissive parenting of one who may be overcompensating and/or who may be overly protective, and smothering; and/or the absent parent giving mixed messages, or absent in attention, as they focus on self or work, or other. Or; the parent operates from an approach of an authoritarian parent who rules with a dictator type of approach, dismissing any input of the child, with strict and a large list of rules, and hard consequences, often condescending, often blaming, often ridiculing, pushing, and attempting to hold the child to an extreme standard of perfection.
Children often will shoot for the standard given them and modeled for them. Parents who then focus on encouragement, praise, and solutions, as they teach the child how to utilize knowledge and discernment, how to be flexible when plans changes, how to prioritize, how to budget and how to raise funds for their goals, how to choose friends, how to respect each other, how to set boundaries and speak effectively with assertive and mindful communication to maintain their boundaries, how to maintain their self control and know when to pursue and when to wait, how to be truthful, and the importance of doing what is right regardless of if others are watching while encouraging their children that this is reachable for them- will often have children who will try. Is important to do our best in every thing that we pursue or am responsible to do-but we are not perfect, and regardless of that fact-we are most loved. Asking questions to aid the child to think of options and the consequences vs the benefits is helpful as the parent guides the child in this process; and allowing the child natural consequences of decision made. Reviewing choices made with the child and helping the child to see better options is also a better approach.
During counseling then-the parents are aided with better coaching and parenting strategies while also learning about how their own background of parenting may not be the best solution. The children are provided tools to identify their thought distortions, increase their self image, increase their social skills, increase their communication skills, and the importance of each choice that they make. As the parents and children progress then we blend them and use role play so as to grow their skills and to tweak their approach with each other. Often if behaviors are also being experienced at school or work, then we are in contact with those entities to provide resources and tools for them as well so as to work with the parents and children on a successful intervention to effect change.
Parents can be warm and attentive or they can be distant and/or self absorbed. In addition, there are four basic parenting styles of which parents adopt while rearing their children, (Baumrind, 1975, 1991). These will be described and then will be related to how a ten year old might behave or develop under each style of parenting.
Authoritarian Parenting Style
This style is demanding, and punitive, exhibiting little warmth. Parents assume more of a dictatorship holding their children to difficult, high standards. Punishments do not match the crime, parents do not explain themselves or why rules are in effect, and are not concerned with being role models . Parents are rigid and so are their rules and expectations. Children who are brought up with these parents experience extreme control issues, do not develop a sense of discipline or an inner morality, are not very verbal, and are often unhappy, fearful, anxious, fail to initiate activity, and have weak communication skills. Should they need to ask for guidance during a sensitive experience, they would not feel comfortable consulting with their parents.
Authoritative parents set high goals and they are active role models. It is a nurturing and warm style of parenting. Children who are reared with these parents are blessed and become cheerful, self-controlled and self-reliant, and achievement-oriented. They maintain friendships with peers, cooperate with adults, and cope well with stress. Their social skills are often keen. They normally have close bonds with their parents.
Indulgent Parenting Style
These parents are focused on their children and are heavily invested, purchasing lots of gifts and possessions. However, they offer little direction (Goodner, Robert, 2001). Parents are responsive but undemanding and more like a friend. They are affirmative but do not hold their child to take responsibility for their conduct. In fact, the parent excuses their child’s impulses, aggressions, and sexual conduct. This is due to their inability to say the word no. There are vague boundaries or guidelines set for the child to adhere too. The child then rules the roost. Children often lack self-control, have behavior problems, do substandard work in school or on the job, do not take responsibility for their mistakes, are immature, insecure, demanding, and are selfish. In addition, they are not dependable, have little motivation, and have external moral codes according to (Egeland & Farber, 1984). They are however highly social and usually have good self-esteems.
Uninvolved Parent
Parents who are these types are uninvolved, neglectful, selfish, and do not communicate with their children. In extreme cases they reject and may even abuse their young. Normally however, the basic essential needs are met. The child is fed and clothed. However, the parent is concerned more about their own conveniences and comfort, entertainment, and concerns. Children occupy themselves. They are demanding since they learn they must be to get their parent’s attention. They have low social skills, expect to get their way, and are aggressive, non-compliant.
Which parent type are you?
Therefore, children are reared with differing parenting styles that contribute to specific behaviors and development. The authoritarian and the permissive parents will teach children to not be disciplined internally. They will also possess external moral standards that basically means they would obey so as to not be caught. The neglected child will do whatever is necessary to get one’s way regardless of any consequences, blaming others for their poor decisions. However, the child who lives in a home with authoritative parent will be the most rounded, happier, reliable, and more content child.
It is important to know how parenting styles effect children. With this understanding then counselors might be able to recognize behavior cues and better understand the reasons behind a child’s behavior. Parents should have a balance of discipline and love. Children need role models and nurturing; however, they also need boundaries and to be held responsible. In so doing then the parent is more likely to be an authoritative parent. The authoritative parent tends to be the most effective as they guide their child and teach their child life skills. Parents only have 18 years to teach through modeling and through direct instruction, as well as; by utilizing positive reinforcements and also when needed, negative reinforces. Consistency in how one parents, is often a huge factor as to the child's reception of the intended lessons and constructs.
Other issues rise when parenting styles differ between parents, When one parents with one style and the other with their own, this becomes an environment where children are confused and can also employ manipulative measures as they use each against the other. Heal and Hope works to gain unity between parents and to help teach parents how to better engage and to train their children in life skills. When parents learn how, what, and why, then they can achieve respect and feel more confident as they parent.
Not only are these important but nutrition is often mismanaged. The central nervous system should have the best nutritional foods from which to draw from and to build from. It appears that some parents may believe that as long as they feed their children three times daily, then this is nutritious; but this is not the case. People can be obese, eating more than recommended, yet still be nutritionally starving. In addition, research is showing more correlation with gluten and sugar; and their influence with Autism and ADHD; and when one truly researches natural and organic foods and mental health; one can easily see many disorders that are exacerbated with certain foods. Avoiding such often lowers the symptom-logy at times to where the client is no longer meeting the clinical criteria for diagnoses.
Therefore, while children's brains are developing, parents need to prepare a wholesome and healthy variety of vegetables and also provide fresh fruits, baked, broiled, steamed foods; that are not providing high fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated fats, dyes, preservatives, hormones, or other such harmful ingredients since parents are building the very foundation of the central nervous system and all organs with a blend of healthy eating, exercise, moderate sun, and fresh air. Food can help with impulse control and also with seizures. Food is far more important that it is given credit for, and it is important as to what we put into our mouths. Some mental health illnesses may be the result of what we eat. Please let that resonate a while.
In addition, we are seeing more harm from the excessive hours of the phone, gaming, and internet connections-in how our brains are being wired. Is this a skill worth the hours of investment? Or would not something more creative and stimulating use of our brains be advised? Parents today have more concerns than those two decades ago. Children have access to many harmful unknowns as they click into the internet. This inclusion is creating a new addiction since the brain is altered by excessive use and by the exposure to criteria which is not appropriate for children.
Another issue: Parents are now busier than ever before as they are over booked with trying to get their children in every imaginable sport or activity-as if this shows that they are good parents. This actually leaves little time for real teaching, as the coaches and the schools seem to take our children into their forums-for extended periods of time; and instead model and teach our children cultural and personal beliefs along with the subject matter. Children are less able to resolve conflicts and/or unable to use discernment-leaving them vulnerable for unplanned for life experiences. Children are often unable to be flexible or to have self management. Inflexibility is common amongst dysfunctional homes and behavior.
Parents need time to model how to be flexible and how to discern. When children witness and receive consistent messages then often they will own the discipline, making it theirs. It is therefore most wise for our children to learn the construct that are good and healthy for them. The best people to instruct them would be their parents when the parents are operating and are providing the healthy examples for their children-yet this takes time. Busy is not always best. Parents need time with their children. They must grow independence, integrity, dependability, conflict resolution skills, communication skills, self management skills; while teaching a multitude of life skills during the short 18 years of childhood.
Children who do cultivate integrity and dependability then can be awarded more freedoms with each passing challenge that tested the child's character and self control, as they demonstrate that they are able to resolve conflicts and negotiate their walk while being true to god, others, self and to their life skills learned.
Words that encourage, lift, instruct, build, challenge, and guide are far more effective as parents steer their child; and parents must allow the child to earn their benefits and consequences without condemnation, and without lowering standards. A child often will strive or themselves settle depending upon what their parent believes is probable or possible for that child. It is far better to cheer, "you can do it!" than to forecast, "you will never be_________." In addition, comparing children negatively tends to divide children and instill a lower sense of self.
Will all children who are parented appropriately come aboard and own this discipline? Most will but some will not. God is our heavenly father. He parents all the same with standards as he demonstrates how and why. He models for us yet some of us owns his teaching and others of us do not. We see families who are parented well, yet one of the children turns from the core beliefs and risks negative behaviors. Somehow that child felt unloved or less loved. Somehow that child did not want to control their impulses.
Often we as parents want to believe in that child and will sometimes cater to or lower the standards for that child as we hope that they will come on board. We plead and we beg, yet our child resists as he/she demands freedom un-earned; or things unearned; which places parents in places that are most difficult as they may sometimes placate to the child. This reinforces the negative behaviors and makes it more difficult for the parent to rise above this standard without real drama and problems.
Often, the fear of losing their child drives a parent to give in when the parent needs to stand strong, and firm, upon the convictions- as they uphold the rules in the home. Once this pattern is produced then the parent faces a strong hold of distorted thoughts and behaviors that will resist change; but change is a must if the child will rise above their self will and dysfunctional mindset. Parents then must stand true, model truth, and trust God as they reset boundaries and enforce those boundaries; even at the risk that the child will "hate" them.
Parents instead are to place the child's well-being foremost as they provide tough love in those cases. In many cases, the child will learn and will turn around, and in time-will appreciate their parent for their love and guidance, their perseverance and their decision to not give in. A few children do not turn. In these cases we support the parent and the work with the children as long as we are allowed, to attempt to instill the life skills that were not instilled in the home. In the end, it is the child that determines their fate at this point. When children turn from their parents we may need to see if the child is engaging with substance abuse, or has become addicted to something which has taken control of that child. These brains are developing. What they are exposed to, are fed with, and have modeled to-will effect the very functionality and health of them. Parents need to be present and to be the examples that their children need to become the most that they can become.
Children are very confused, are very self centered, and are not naturally sharing or thoughtful in most cases. They are bombarded with negative influences in this culture. Often children follow their peers without considering the consequences. The parents need to be of one voice with one plan. They need to work together to create time with their children and to model healthy and positive behaviors consistently. They need to know where, with whom, what, how, and what are their children into. Although they must relax their protective parenting by age 10-11 to allow the child some flexibility to experience their world, they still need to be involved and watchful and to be open to talk with their children. This will be an age where the child will push parents away and is discovering who they are. For protective parents-then this will be a difficult yet important aspect of their growth and development.
Discipline and Rewards are important. When the children are young, then discipline is often time out, the removal of a toy, and like. As middle aged children; then the discipline is often a restriction of time on games or the screen, restriction of company or their ability to go to a friend's house or an event. When an adolescent then much the same continues. Discipline is more effective when certain aspects are in play:
1. Respect of the role of parent must be in place.
2. Respect of the authority to implement the discipline must be in place.
3. The child must be willing to submit to that authority and adhere to the punishment.
4. Consistency to follow through as promised is a must.
5. Enough time for the change to occur.
6. The absence of hypocrisy in that is expected and what is modeled.
Without the above criteria then the child can easily laugh and walk from the parent while pursuing whatever they wish. Children need to respect those in authority and their roles since they will meet with forums filled with the same or like rules with consequences that govern each of those forums. If the child is to achieve and be successful-they must comprehend this construct and be willing to perceive the importance for these to be in place. Only then will they navigate their world more wisely.
We help our families to develop better tools and better perceptions of life. If you find yourself grappling and frustrated, then contact us at Heal and Hope Counseling Services.
