Keep them separate:
It is difficult to wear two hats, especially at the same time. That is why families, who are successful, stable and happy, keep the two hats separate and wear each one at the appropriate time.
What are the two hats in families?
The first hat is put on when a couple commit to an everlasting love relationship. They meet, date and begin to feel comfortable with each other as the dating progresses. Gradually, the bond of love grows stronger and stronger. They spend a lot of time together and they think of each other constantly. They reach the stage of commitment - I want to spend my life with this person. It must be a free choice - it is good for me to be with her/him.
The attachment/bond of love is formed and expressed in the wedding ceremony. They put on the husband/wife hat.
The second hat is the parenting hat.
The arrival of the first child requires serious adjustment. The medical preparation is excellent prior to the birth and during the years of development. The educational preparation and training is also excellent. The emotional and relational preparation and training is totally inadequate. The arrival of the baby means that the couple relationship has now become a three some, a triangle. Caring for the baby is very demanding but it is not the work and responsibility of one person. The couple must continue to work as a couple in parenting. Many times the couple relationship is put on the back burner and the baby becomes the total focus of the mother. When two points of a triangle move close, the third point becomes distant. This is problematic because it means the couple relationship is beginning to experience distance/neglect. It is necessary for the couple to parent as a couple, even though one parent may have a greater hands on involvement. The husband/wife relationship needs to be nurtured and not neglected. Then the parenting attachment and bond with the baby by both parents will be secure, safe and strong. A happy husband/wife are happy parents and have happy children.
Marriages do count.
Families do count.
Henry A. Malone, Ph.D., BCN
535 Plandome Road
Manhasset, New York, US
11030
