Good Grief
Charlie Brown famously expressed his dissatisfaction by exclaiming “good grief!” when his circumstances became unfavorable. This phrase is synonymous with feeling annoyed, bummed, or frustrated. The same feelings that can arise when trying to cope with the loss of a loved one. We are creatures that were divinely designed for connection and when that connection is lost, we experience deep pain and grief.
Experiencing grief is part of the universal human experience. As Christians, we have faith that death is not the end. We have hope in the resurrection and eternal life. However, this does not mean we are immune to the pain of grief. In fact, as we mourn the loss of a loved one, we may feel, even more intensely, the separation and loss of connection from the departed, and find little encouragement in faith and hope of eternal life. This struggle is a natural part of the healing journey. Feeling torn between two truths, feeling hopeless under the overwhelming pain of the life lost, and hopeful putting trust in life everlasting.
The Bible offers comfort and guidance in times of grief. Jesus himself understood sorrow, as he wept alongside the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). This shows that even with the knowledge that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, Jesus understood the pain of His followers and mourned alongside them because it is a natural and appropriate response to grieve when we lose someone that we love. There is no timeline suggesting that grief can only last for a moment. Some of us may spend a lifetime grieving a loss. Being able to identify feelings of grief and appropriately mourning is a step toward healing.
Feelings of grief can look like:
DENIAL
• Avoidance
• Shock
• Numbness
• Shutting Down
• Keeping Busy
ANGER
• Irritability
• Impatience
• Frustration
• Resentment
• Passive-aggressive behavior
BARGAINING
• Guilt
• Shame
• Blame
• Fixated on past or future
• Should have, could have, would have thinking
DEPRESSION
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness
• Reduced interest in activities
• Changes to sleep and appetite
• Reduced energy
ACCEPTANCE
• Understanding
• Compassion
• Vulnerability
• Present in the here & now
• Connecting with others
As Christians, we are invited to weep with those that weep (Romans 12:15) and to comfort one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18) as the grieving journey can feel long and lonely.
We are called to love one another (John 13:34) and support each other in times of grief. As members of the body of Christ, we can bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and share in each other’s sorrows. We were not designed to go through the stages of grief alone. Community after loss is necessary to heal and find comfort.
How to build connection after a loss:
• Start therapy with a grief counselor
• Attend a grief process group
• Volunteer your time at local community site
• Go on a walk or hike with a friend
• Talk to someone about difficult feelings
Finally, in the midst of grief it is important to turn to God and seek His comfort and peace. Accepting pain as a part of life can help make room for uncomfortable feelings. Faith in a Higher Power relinquishes the need to understand why the loss happened, and instead offers us peace, through acceptance, that there is something greater waiting for our loved ones. Seek a counselor that utilizes Acceptance and Commitment based techniques to help with taking the first step in practicing acceptance as you grieve.
Ways to practice acceptance:
• Allow space for unwanted and uncomfortable feelings
• Research mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or mediation, to help you stay present in the here and now
• Practice separating yourself from your inner experience by recognizing your thoughts are just thoughts and begin to let go of the intense power they can have over you
• Ground yourself in your values, such as faith, family or community, to find the motivation to move forward in the action of acceptance
• Commit to one behavior that will help you move closer toward practicing acceptance, such as attending therapy to build community.
