Are You or Someone You Know Contentious? Here's 21 Ways To Check
1) Contentiousness defined: Words like feisty, anxious, testing, grouchy, critical, perfectionistic, blaming, shaming, hostile, opinionated, quarrelsome, argumentative, and nagging all help to describe this problem.
2) People who struggle with this issue may have a lot of anxiety as both children and adults.
3) Contentious people usually repel others, and this may come from an unconscious fear of closeness, vulnerability, and or inferiority.
4) Sometimes, contentious people major in the minors, starting fights over minor points of fact, doctrine, opinions, or other people’s behavior.
5) Blaming is a big symptom in contentious people. This is usually a result of feeling lonely and unsuccessful as well as having so much hurt, shame, anxiety, or anger at themselves on board that it spills over onto others.
6) Some women will frequently express anger through contentiousness: Some men do, too, but may either act out angrily, act out sexually, or act passive-aggressively.
7) Contentious people believe, at a deep level, that others are responsible for their lives, happiness, and or emotions.
8) Believing that they are unloved or loveable, contentious people think they must test others, especially those close to them, to ensure they won’t leave, get too close, or somehow fail to love them.
9) A contentious person is much more likely to live by anxiety, shame, fear, or hate than by faith, love, grace, and truth.
10) In reality, a contentious person’s hate, blame, criticism, and testing are really about how they see themselves, not others.
11) Acting contentious is a way of testing other people to see if the contentious person is loved.
12) Self-hate or shame is a common companion for contentious people.
13) Some contentious people experience difficult attachment at an early age and have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder.
14) Adult Children of Addicts and Co-Addicts will frequently display contentious behavior to cope with their sense of inferiority, shame, anxiety, and feeling out of control.
15) Contentious people do not set real boundaries and limits. If they set limits, they are designed to change other people rather than designed to protect themselves.
16) One-up, One-Down relationships are a frequent position contentious people take. They try to play the blaming parent, the wiser parent, the smart teacher, or other authority figure when, in reality, they are the helpless little child inside. They will sometimes go into the one-down position and play the victim.
17) Contentious people will frequently find irresponsible people to mate or work with because, many times, unconsciously, they are afraid of losing control. Sometimes, they will find super-responsible people to make up for their irresponsibility.
18) People who live with contentious people will eventually pull away or retreat in some fashion. “It is better to live in the corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” – Proverbs 21:10. "As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife – Proverbs 26:21
19) Defending yourself against a contentious person is essentially useless. Nuclear submariners talk about “Time, Distance, and Shielding” when dealing with protection from toxic materials. Solomon talks about toxicity this way: “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike. He who would restrain her restrains the wind and grasps oil with his right hand.” Proverbs 27:15
20) Listening to feelings and avoiding defending oneself for as long as possible is the best way to deal with contentiousness. Telling the person you will distance yourself when they are contentious and then doing it with the support of others can also help. It is important to remember that boundary setting is about you, not about changing the other person. Do not create walls. Create boundaries that keep you sane.
21) Allowing natural consequences for out-of-control anger and contentiousness can also help: “Do not rescue a man given to anger, for you only have to do it again. "Proverbs 19:19
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is one of the best ways to deal with attachment as well as ACA issues. Joining a group that deals with emotional hurts and toxicity can be very helpful.
