The holiday season is supposed to be full of food, festivities, friends and family. But all too often holidays aren't what we hope they would be. As a family therapist Eva Imber-Black has noted “Families’ greatest strength and their most painful vulnerabilities are in the air at holiday time. Things that happen during the holidays will all become an indelible part of family history.
Family rituals. Family rituals such as coming home for the holiday define family life. They are patterned ways of relating to one another. Rituals focus interactions and clarify both individual differences and emotional connections among family members and friends.
When they work rituals provide family members with a sensible longing that reinforces family connections, values, and ethnic traditions. When they go bad, family members may feel isolated, lonely, and depressed as though they were in the midst of strangers. (King Solomon indicates that we must have heart-to heart relationships with family that are based on boundaries and sincerity - Prov 27:10b) Rituals that bring families closer are:
Flexible. Traditions must be flexible enough to allow members to respond to family changes and to allow some spontaneity.
Voluntary. When practiced out of duty alone, a tradition can become a meaningless obligation rather than a joy.
Balanced. Rituals should reflect all the needs of all family members and not just the interests of a few. For instance, when children grow up and marry, they have two homes to visit for the holidays not just one.
Honest. Families may try to avoid painful memories like the death of a loved one by adopting a business-as-usual attitude to holidays, but holiday gatherings can be a special time for family members to come together and deal openly with feelings.
Enduring. death divorce or natural disasters can disrupt family to distance. Although it may seem easier to let rituals falter and die, they can provide real sustenance and become even more meaningful during trying times.
When rituals are both rooted in the past and adopted to present needs, they can provide families with an ongoing sense of continuity and change. Remember that John Gray said that tradition is the living faith of people who have passed on and traditionalism is the dead faith of people that are still living.
Family changes: Families like the individuals in them grow and change families gain members by birth or marriage, lose them through death, divorce, or distance. Family members’ priorities may change as they mature and develop identities apart from the family. The impact of change on families is usually most evident during the holidays.
When faced with change families must find a new map for plotting holiday get togethers. The simplicity of childhood holidays gives way to new considerations, who to include, whose house for celebrations, etc. The strain of trying to please everyone can override the joy and deeper meaning of the holiday. No matter when the changes occur, the way they're handled at this time of year may affect the family ever after. For that reason, most therapists advise caution initiating change on special occasions.
Chances are your family isn't perfect. If you accept this and alter expectations accordingly, you may find there's still no place like home for the holidays.
Holiday Conflicts - at holiday times tensions can run high. Although fighting is a normal part of family life it's more common in holidays because...
Issues abound. One topic conversation leads to another and unsolved issues surface.
Attacks turn personal. Discussions too easily become heated attacks on personalities.
Stereotyping occurs. Problems are exasperated by black and white thinking or either or thinking.
Others joined the fray. Disputes spread as family members take sides.
Try to contain family tensions so they don’t ruin your holidays families need this time to enjoy special events together. Remember, family relationships are more important than petty arguments. Accept your differences and keep your sense of good cheer.
Happy family holidays:
Be tolerant. Extra doses of patience, acceptance and humor during this time of forced togetherness is the key to enjoyable family holidays.
Adjust your expectations. What the urge to idealize the holidays. With modest realistic expectations you're more likely to enjoy yourself and your family.
Keep holiday rituals flexible. Draw a distinction between the holidays as institutions and what they mean to you and your family. Examine family traditions each year; Dispensed with those parts of your celebrations that don't work and preserve what means the most. Create new rituals that reflect family changes.
Make plans. Don't leave holiday celebrations to chance. Let loved ones know what your plans, intentions and expectations are.
Take care of yourself. Traveling disturbs normal routines. Eating and exercise regularly and try to get some time alone.
Don't regress! Returning to your childhood home often reactivates childhood feelings and fears. It’s important to maintain your boundaries – physical, emotional, and intellectual you may even want to consider staying in a hotel rather than your childhood bed.
