Christian Counselor Directory Blog

Before starting my private practice, I went through a "professional trauma" (meaning the trauma happened at work), where the top corporate executive blasted me with severe verbal abuse. I was completely unprepared for how this would affect me. In fact, my initial reaction was, “Why am I so upset? Shouldn’t I just ignore it?” Many people at the company have not addressed this abuse and occurred regularly, so why not just let it slide off my back? Why couldn’t I do the same? After all, I’m a master degreed, mental health professional. I know how to write my own narrative, use cognitive behavioral skills to change the way I think about things and I know how to negotiate and think through situations rationally. So, why was I deeply and negatively affected by this event? Here’s why.

After the dust settled and I made the necessary adjustments to get myself on a path of healing, I got introspective about the situation. I was reminded that no matter how far down the road I have come with my own personal healing; I still experience “triggers”. The brain is fundamentally changed in childhood when there is abuse, either physical or mental. I will always be susceptible to certain things that remind me of my own abuse. I will always be sensitive to extreme stress. Let me explain.

In an article from the NY Times about abuse and the way it changes one’s brain, they report that for the first time, there is direct evidence that the brain is changed by abuse. “In a study of people who committed suicide published Sunday in the journal Nature Neuroscience, researchers in Montreal report that people who were abused or neglected as children showed genetic alterations that likely made them more biologically sensitive to stress” (NY Times. After Abuse, Changes in the Brain. 2009). Even though one of the interests in my practice is trauma and abuse, I somehow forgot that I am on the same road as my clients. I need to be sensitive to the fact that without my own practice of mindfulness, I too will end up on my own therapist’s couch.

The article goes on to say, “the findings help clarify the biology behind the wounds of a difficult childhood and hint at what constitutes resilience in those able to shake off such wounds.” (NY Times. After Abuse, Changes in the Brain. 2009). While all of us that have experienced neglect or abuse are survivors and not victims, awareness that our brain will always be sensitive to extreme stress is important to our overall mental health. Having the mindfulness of our own triggers, the tools to use when we have these encounters and a good therapist goes along way in coping with the traumas life continues to throw at us.

References: NY Times. 2012. After Abuse, Changes in the Brain.

Grieving can help you move forward in life in general. You've probably heard of Elizabeth Kuebler Ross and the stages of grieving. We sometimes think about death and funerals when we think about grief but there's much more to the idea of grief than that.

We experience little and mid-size losses almost every week. Maybe that check didn't come on time in the mail. Maybe your spouse got sick before your date night.   Maybe you didn't get the raise you thought you deserved.

Sometimes losses are bigger. That relationship with a distant parent that never quite seems to click. That career you wanted but couldn't afford. That romantic relationship that you've always wanted but never got.

Maybe it's the approval of dad or mom that you can never really get. Maybe it's the acceptance of older brothers or sisters. Maybe it's the recognition and approval from your boss. Perhaps it's your health. Maybe you moved out of your favorite neighborhood after living there for twenty years. Perhaps your spouse did not live up to your ideal.

How do we grieve these things? They’re not as big as a death in the family. But they can sure help us stay stuck in time. Sometimes people will tell you “just get over it.” The problem is that they are not seeing or hearing how you feel about the loss now. Still it's important to be in the process of working through the grief. If you wallow in the pain and loss, they will keep you from moving on with your life. If you deny the loss, it will keep you stuck unconsciously and come back and bite you later. So it's important to keep a balance.

A friend of mine wrote a poem about a classmate she lost during high school. This was pretty cathartic for her. Allowing yourself to feel the feelings will really help with recovery from loss. You can stay in denial for a while, but it is important to recognize at least some of the loss. This will help you sort out what you can keep and what you can regain...

Here are some other helpful hints that can help you to grieve and then move forward.

Working Though Grief

1) Talk about it. It is important to talk about your loss as much as possible to as many people you can trust. Grief is sometimes best dealt with the same way you treat a chest cold: “cough it up”. That is to say talking about it is the “expectorant” that brings it out and helps start the healing process. Finding others that have the skill for listening is also very important.

2) Memorialize. Finding or making memorabilia that brings the loss to mind is also very important. Cards, letters, objects, ticket stubs, toys, or anything that represents the person or thing that was lost can be collected and put in a box, place, photo album etc. and brought out to look at and share with others.

3) Journaling/Letters. Writing a journal about your feelings or perceptions of the loss is good as well as writing a letter to the one lost as if they’d moved to a faraway land. Tell them of your joys, hopes, hurts, dreams, losses and so on.

4) Gift. Getting a gift for the griever (even if that’s you). This stems from the old Japanese tradition of getting a small gift for the person grieving to mark the occasion and provide a reminder of the loss. While this can bring up pain, after a while the bitterness will turn bittersweet and then mostly sweet if you continue to work towards reconciling the loss. The gift should be small such that the person can pull it out and let it remind them of the loss as they work through the process.

To start the process of working on loss, read and meditate on Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8, start with a small attainable goal like journaling. Then find a safe person to talk to about the loss. You'll find that, after a while, you are much less stuck.

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Grief Stages - DABDA

• Denial
•  
• Anger
•  
• Bargaining 
•  
• Depression
•  
• Acceptance

Many clients come into my office thinking I am the expert. While this might puff my head up a bit, it’s simply not true. Yes, I’ve got a degree in counseling. Yes, I’ve worked with struggling clients for years, but I’ve got my own quirks and quibbles. The counseling and life coaching profession might want to give you the impression that we’ve got our act together. We’ve got our own junk and here is some of mine (and probably most therapists):

1. My marriage is messy.

Clients strangely think I have a perfect marriage. Ha! My husband and I love each other dearly but we do fight. I’m learning to be honest and calm when the relationship gets sticky. I pick up books, pour over podcasts, and ascertain the advice from friends and family to know what I should do with my own life. If any other therapist, counselor, or life coach doesn’t have some level of struggle in their close relationships, I’d run for the hills because they’ll give you pat answers that lack raw reality or relevancy.

2. I flounder in my friendships.

This is pretty much a ditto of above, but I’m discovering again and again where I let others push my boundaries or where I put up walls that no one can penetrate, leaving us both lonely and disconnected. I love author and licensed social worker Brené Brown’s words of, “I am not as sweet as I used to be but I’m far more loving.”

3. I don’t always have the right answers.

This one should be obvious to you if it’s not already. Yes, I love what I do as a counselor and life coach and I believe I’m good at it, but I’m by no means an expert on you or on mental health and life coaching. I want to be a woman who pursues the right and effective answers but also admits when the answers are not there. My goal as a therapist is not to wow you with my knowledge, but to listen you, understand your story, and draw out from you what you know the answers to be, but where you may need a guide to help make them happen.

4. I learn from you.

I cannot begin tell you the amount of truths my clients have taught me over the years. You all are so brave and courageous. Most of my clients feel weak for coming to therapy or to see a personal development life coach. No way! You have the guts and the hutzpah to say, “I need some insight that I don’t have right now. I am being proactive with my growth. I don’t want to be stuck any longer.” That’s strength my friend! My clients shape parts of who I am, what I think about my spiritual faith, the human spirit, and the risks you take to make your relationships thrive. I would be less of who I am today without what my clients have taught me.

5. I get anxious too.

Many of my clients come in with some level of anxiety and fear. While I don’t know exactly what it’s like to walk in their shoes, I can identify with parts of their anxiety, how their brain speeds up, and life feels overwhelming. My level of anxiety symptoms might not be to the severity of what my clients are struggling with, but they are not alone. I’m learning to pause and remain calm while life is telling me to get anxious.

6. I feel depressed sometimes.

Just like anxiety, it’s rare to meet someone who have never been depressed or had a time or two of feeling depressed. Life can be dang hard sometimes. Brokenness is pervasive while we are on this earth. I don’t dare compare my times of feeling depressed with those who have clinical depression. I’ve often wondered if someone has never felt depressed, how effective are they with engaging the hurting in our world? Even in the faith tradition of Christianity, depression is not foreign. Look at the book of Psalms in the Bible. That book has some seriously depressing expressions of a man’s heart and it’s considered Scripture. Thank goodness.

7. I say rude things.

Ask my husband, and he’ll attest :-). Hopefully I am quick to realize and apologize for my malice mouth, but unloving things do come out of it more often than I would hope. Can you relate?

8. I procrastinate.

A number of my counseling, mentoring, and coaching clients wrestle with this also, which makes me feel human. As the years go by I’m learning strategies that help me to gain understanding as to why I’m procrastinating. This is not a quick fix, but these life coaching tips and insights have allowed me delay less and tell myself, “This is what I’m going to do,” and actually do it. Go figure!

9. I get fearful.

I’m wondering if you would agree that even though anger and hate have been around since the world began, in America we are reading about or personally experiencing it on a day-to-day basis. While the world may be just as broken as it always has been, we are becoming more and more fearful. I fight against this fear on a daily basis with a call to be wise and prudent, but not let fear dictate my world so that I let fear win.

10. I want to be in control.

Control feels comforting for a while. We have the appearance of order. But I’ve discovered over the last ten or so years that what we try to control soon controls us. Most people would see me as laid back and I am. But as I learn more about myself, I’m seeing how much of life I try to control. It doesn’t work so well, does it? Maybe you can identify. Yes, we are to be self-controlled, but it gets whacky when we try to control others or the world around us.

11. I’m insecure too.

So many of us are people-pleasers. We care what others think about us and how we come across. Some of this is wise as it makes us considerate and caring. But when it goes awry as it does in my life, it leads to comparison with others, not holding to my values and convictions, and letting go of who I am and how I’m designed to bless others. What more could we do with our lives if we were not so insecure?

So that’s a long but not exhaustive list. My goal is not to air my dirty laundry, but to say that we are all on a journey to be more of who we were made to be. And that’s a messy journey at times. I’m not a counselor or life coach who has it all together. If you find one, let me know. I simply desired to take the any stigma out of the professional counseling world that would give you any impression that we are not just like you.

Turning 25 can be a big deal for many of us. It was for me. It’s hard to believe that you are a quarter of a century old. Your life is not what you thought it would be. We’ll discuss what is a quarter life crisis, and what you can do about it.

What is a quarter life crisis?

As little girls and boys, we dream of what we will be when we grow up. A fireman. An actor. A teacher. A wife and mother. An entrepreneur. But then life happens. You change dreams or may those dreams were squashed. You weren’t accepted at the college that you had hoped. You’ve finished college and you’re still not sure what you want to do with your life. You want to be in a relationship, but no guys or girls seem interested in you. You cannot afford your hobbies with your current salary. These and many other things can leave you stressed and wondering what the next stage of your lives holds. Will it be more of the same? Will you ever reach your goals?

The crisis comes when your goals are blocked and you see no way out. Your mind panics. The ‘what-ifs’ shout at you, making you more anxious and even more paralyzed to take action.

Symptoms of a quarter life crisis?

• Stress
• Anxiety
• Depressive thoughts
• Helplessness
• Worry
• The ‘What-ifs’
• Feeling immobilized
• Not knowing what next steps to take
• Your mind races
• Comparing your life to others
• Wishing things could be different

I’m sure there are more symptoms that you could name. If so what are they? These symptoms can be the products of many things. But if you are in your mid-twenties and experiencing these symptoms, you maybe having a quarter life crisis. A quarter life crisis is fairly normal and here’s why.

Why is a quarter life crisis normal?

My guess is that you have spent much of your life living with your family who gave you some guidance, or a lot of guidance. Most of your life up to this point has been mapped out for you. High school. College. Not many decisions had to be made without the input of family or close relatives.

But then you finish college, and now you have to look for a job, figure out where you are going to live, establish friendships, pay bills, and figure out what kind of person you want to be. The decisions start and end with you now. You don’t have as much guidance and that is scary for many of us. You are experiencing the weight of the decisions and the weight of the consequences of those decisions. If things go right, you have yourself to congratulate. If things go wrong, you have to own the consequences. This is a big responsibility. No wonder you are stressed!

How to survive the quarter life crisis?

Step 1 to survive a quarter life crisis: Reflect on why it matters so much.

Make a list of the areas you are stressed about. Ask yourself the following questions:

Why does this area matter so much?
What does it mean to me?
What does it say bout me if I accomplish this? If I don’t?
Many times we can get stressed about certain areas of our lives because of what we believe they say about us. For examples, “If I don’t find a relationship soon, no one will want me.” Or “If I don’t get a job in this field, I’m a failure to my family.” Unless we reflect on these things and discover our negative self-talk, we can miss what is driving our anxiety and stress. If you believe those example statements mentioned above are true, no wonder you are anxious, depressed, or unmotivated.

How can you begin to question your negative self-talk and attach new and more accurate meaning to these decisions and events? For example, “If I don’t find a job right away, does it really mean I’m a failure? Are other friends and family saying that to me, or is just in my head?”

Step 2 to survive a quarter life crisis: Take things one step at a time.

Instead of feeling the need to make all of the decisions or accomplishing all of your goals at once, prioritize which decisions or goals need to be made first and/or which one is most important to you. Rank the rest. Then take the top goal or decision and ask yourself:

What is one tiny step that I can take to move me in the direction of accomplishing this goal or decision?
What resources or tools do I need to make this decision?
What will give me the confidence I need to take this step?

Step 3 to survive a quarter life crisis: Ask others for input

Even though you are in charge of your life now, that doesn’t mean that you cannot ask others for input or advice so you can make a good decision. Who are friends, mentors, etc. that you trust to give you good advice? Go take them for coffee and find out what they think of your situation. Ask them what they have done in similar situations. You are not alone!

I know this all just touches the tip of the iceberg. I am confident that if you take it one step at a time, get input and understand what might be driving the crisis, you’ll be way ahead of most people in this process. Feel free to reach out to me if you’d like more help in the future.