Christian Counselor Directory Blog

Are you sometimes feeling a sadness that seems to hang on no matter where you are or what you're doing? All of us go through down times but for some of us these times are longer and deeper than most.

There is hope. You don't have to suffer

Here are three steps you can take to start your journey towards freedom from depression

Step One: Acknowledge it

Prolong sadness and feelings of hopelessness don’t need to be a “normal” part of your life. If you are unsure if you are depressed then take the brief confidential survey at the bottom of the page.

Step Two: Be willing to Accept Help

This is the hardest step for many of us. We may admit to ourselves or even those closest to us that we are suffering but then we don’t let anyone help us. There really is a way to feel better … Believe it!

Step Three: Reach Out

Take the bold step of reaching out to a caring, compassionate and skilled counselor who is trained to get you on the road to wellness. Counseling is like having a coach who is fully dedicated to help you experience your ultimate wellness.

We at Total Wellness Resource Center want to be your partner for attaining Total Wellness in Mind, Body, Spirit, and Vocation. Our competent, compassionate staff are ready to help you take your next step toward Total Wellness.

Driving home can be a very anxiety inducing project. And answering the phone during the day can be as well. “Mrs. Smith, I just wanted to let you know that Freddy chose to come to the office again. He is having trouble keeping his hands to himself.”

These kinds of things happen every year, to many people. But when they happen to you, sometimes it is difficult to know what to do. Let’s go over a few tips that will help you determine if this is something that a great parent like you can take care of, or if a professional may be needed instead. Teacher’s don’t usually call the first 2 weeks of school, do they?

Five Areas to Review with Misbehaving Children

1. Review your routine in your head or with your parenting partner. Are your children getting enough sleep? Studies show that getting even 15 minutes more sleep a day can make major differences in all areas of children’s lives. Children need at least 10 hours of sleep per night until around puberty and then they need 9 and ½ hours after that. Once we are adults, we can make do with 8 hours, but many of us need more like 9 still.
2. Review your child’s eating habits. Are they getting hungry during the day? Do they eat a good breakfast with protein and fruit? After school, are they grumpy because they are hungry? Talk to them about what they are eating for lunch and snacks at school. It may be that you have provided a great lunch through the school or in a lunch box, but they aren’t eating any of it for some reason.
3. Review your child. Is this behavior surprising? Out of character? Or is it consistent with who they have been their whole life? It is important to realize that some personality, learning and social differences make school more difficult for some children.
4. Review your life at the moment. Did a pet die recently? Have you moved? Is there conflict or tension in a relationship around them? These types of experiences can be very difficult for a child to understand but talking to a trusted adult can help normalize their feelings and express them more appropriately.
5. Talk to your child. Listen for feelings of stress, anxiety, worry, or shame. These can be overwhelming emotions that children will need help working through and assisting, coaching them through them is important.

After you and your parenting partner have talked about these 5 areas, work on the things you can control: the routine, the nutrition, the quality time with your child. If the teacher continues to have concerns or difficulties, calling a professional may be necessary. The school counselor may recommend a doctor, occupational therapist, or a mental health counselor. Listen to their advice, but keep in mind they do not know your child and family like you do. You may decide that one type of professional is a better fit than the other, especially once you meet with one.

Typically, a mental health therapist specializing in your child’s age group is a good first step. Your first visit will be with the therapist without your child so they can help you create a better understanding of what is going on with your child. Once that understanding is reached, a preliminary treatment plan of either support for you and the interventions you can do or face to face treatment between your child and the therapist can begin. This may or may not involve the school and can best be determined on a case by case basis. Many times, a therapist will request information from the school about what is going on there, either through a phone call or through a behavior checklist like the Child Behavior CheckList from Achenbach.

Blending families is not as simple as the Brady Bunch TV show portrayed it to be by solving all problems within an hour. Families have blended throughout history and it’s never been easy. But now, we can learn from experiences of others who have successfully parented a step- child or perhaps a teenager who thought he had no need of a step- parent.

Parenting is difficult enough without involving a step -parent. Raising children on your own is a monumental task and when we involve another person who steps into your life and home, children as well as teenagers often rebel.

Feelings of Abandonment

Step – children may feel abandoned by the parent who left or the one they only see every other weekend, causing some step -children to ask themselves, “What right does this new person have to move in with my mom or dad”?

This may not be the case with very young children, but school age children who have experienced the pain of divorce or death of a parent may show deep resentment. These kids only want their biological mom or dad; so step -parents should not take this rejection personally.

Step -children usually do not want to follow house rules or respect the new step parent they view as an invader. They want a friend, not another parent.

Looking Back at My Life

I felt unappreciated and often mad at my step- children for wanting their mom, even though she was the one who left. Now, I was the one taking them to school, cooking every night, talking with their teachers, entertaining them and taking them to doctor appointments. I was the one teaching the oldest how to ride a bike at the age of fourteen and encouraging him to go to his 8th grade dance.

In spite of all I did, they still wanted their biological mom. Not understanding my boys, I felt very hurt and one day blurted out, “I am not the one who left you, I am the one here. Can’t you see that?”

"blended family"

Learning to be Positive

I learned, no matter how angry or disappointed one is with a child, to never speak a negative word about they’re absent parent. This should be considered in all relationships, whether blending a family or raising a family with one or both bio-parents.

When you -badmouth one parent, you’re saying something bad about the child, because that parent created the child. Children are resilient and will recognize what was going on later in life. There is no need to rush them to understand why one parent is not there for them now.

Talk to your children about how much they are now loved and appreciated. Talk about how wonderful they are. Never say anything in anger that will more than likely never be forgotten. Children, when they mature, will realize why they are in a different family from the one they were born into. Trying to rush this reality and sharing grownup conversations will never work. They will turn on you faster than lightning in a thunderstorm.

Children will believe what they want to believe in order to function and be okay. They have to live with themselves before wanting to live with you. They have to believe they were never the reason for the divorce or separation.

Blending is Never Easy

Raising a family is one of the toughest jobs in the world and raising a blended family is even tougher when dealing with in-laws, ex-laws and outlaws. All blending families will eventually have to deal with his, hers, ours and mine. My boys had a difficult time minding me, because they did not want “me”, the step parent, stepping in telling them what to do.

Strive for Understanding

Blending a family requires both parents to understand they are getting on an “emotional” roller coaster that pulls up to the station and takes off again abruptly year after year. My boys were on that roller coaster most of their lives until the time they left home.

The ride could have been a bit less traumatic if I could only have understood the dynamics of how to enjoy the ride instead of trying to coordinate and control the outcome. I was trying to become their constant teacher for every instance, which was not needed. My step -children already had a mom. What they needed was an understanding friend and love in spite of their rejection of me.

Time is On Your Side

It takes time, but eventually they will come around and thank you for being there for them. It’s a process through which a long journey finds its way into their hearts, when they realize you are always there for them, no matter what they did or how unlovable they were at times.

Recently, I took training in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). The name alone is daunting and it took some practice to say the full name correctly and describe the therapy to my clients in a way in which they could wrap their brain around it. Because it is true “brain processing” and not traditional psychotherapy, forces me to put on a different therapeutic hat when facilitating an EMDR session. It is important for my clients to understand the reasoning behind the theory and what to expect.

Before I describe my own experience as a recent client of EMDR, I would like to explain how EMDR works. Per the EMDR National Association’s website, “the goal of EMDR therapy is to process completely the experiences that are causing problems and to include new ones that are needed for full health. "Processing" does not mean talking about it. "Processing” means creating a learning state that will allow experiences that are causing problems to be "digested" and stored appropriately in your brain.” Even this explanation is difficult to comprehend.

In layman’s terms, EMDR, which is most commonly used for PTSD, trauma and abuse, helps our own brain and memories make sense of what has happened to us, replace our disturbing thoughts with more pleasant ones and store the traumatic memories in a different part of the brain in a way that will not “trigger” one to the point of distress when that painful thought reoccurs. In other words, a “useful” outcome of a disturbing experience will be “learned and stored” with appropriate emotions and your brain will be able to guide you in positive ways in the future (EMDRIA, 2016). Furthermore, the client’s brain does all the work with little input from the therapist. Is this amazing or what?

As a therapist that specializes in trauma and abuse, I had been looking for ways to help my clients get to the next step in their healing. I have always been intrigued, but somewhat skeptical of the therapy. Therefore, I eagerly volunteered at my EMDR training to be the guinea pig—and what I experienced took all the skepticism away. Here is a very abbreviated description of me receiving EMDR treatment.

As the therapy began, I was asked to bring up a target event from the past, which was disturbing to me. As I began to visualize that experience in my mind, I was asked to describe the sensations and notice where I was feeling it in my body. I was then asked to state a belief of how “I felt” about the event. As I tracked the therapist’s fingers moving my eyes left to right I was asked to “process” what was coming to mind. After several rounds, I could feel a swell of emotions and feelings rising to the surface. My face began to flush and I began to experience a relaxing and calming feeling as the eye movement therapy continued. After approximately 20 minutes, I was asked to associate a new more positive belief with the disturbing situation. What happened next was nothing short of amazing. I began to feel less stressed and developed new insight about my disturbing target event. In the end, my anxiety was close to a zero level. I was emotionally drained after the session, but felt so light and free.

After this experience, I was a believer. My clients are now benefitting greatly from this additional therapy technique in my practice. The fact that EMDR is the most researched therapy, gives me assurance that I can recommend this to many clients that need the next step toward their healing. If you or someone you know are interested in EMDR, please call me. After all, I understand…I’ve been there.

Reference:

EMDR International Association (2016). https://emdrisa.site