Christian Counselor Directory Blog

Have you ever asked your kids about their day at school and get this answer, “fine.”? Or ask what they learned and they say, “I don’t know. I forgot.” Or try to have any conversation with them at any time and it’s like pulling teeth? Or is your family more apt to talk over one another while everyone shares, and sometimes shouts, to get their point across? Family communication can be a difficult thing to navigate, but with some simple strategies and an hour of sacred time, your family can not only improve their communication, but their heart connection also. Here’s how: Family Meetings.

A family meeting is designed to help families spend targeted and intentional quality time together while improving communication, and especially what I call “emotional communication”. During this hour, our goal is to help each member of the family feel heard, supported and an important part of the family unit. The time is considered a sacred time also, as no interruptions are allowed to interfere with this time, if possible. (ie: make sure all phones are off and everyone makes a visit to the restroom beforehand). Make sure everyone knows the day and time of the meeting in advance and that there is an expectation that everyone is present and actively participate. These can be scheduled once a week or once a month, or whenever needed.
Each member of the family will take turns being the facilitator of the meeting each time one is scheduled. The facilitator reminds the family of the rules of the meeting (no distractions interruptions, arguing, or leaving) and will open and close the meeting with some short and simple exercise that brings joy and connection. Some good examples are: shaking hands hugging each member, giving high fives, everyone telling a joke, saying a prayer, reading an inspiring poem.

Every family should create a meeting that suits their needs based on time, age of children, level of conflict, etc. The following are recommended exercises to consider:

HIGHS AND LOWS – Have each family member go around the room and share their “high” for the week and their “low” for the week. A “high” is something really positive that happened, whereas a “low” is something negative. For example, a high could be passing the exam to get a driver’s license and a low would be not making the football team.

IDENTIFYING AND SHARING EMOTIONS – Have each family member share how they felt each primary emotion in the past week. Primary emotions are: anger, pain, fear, guilt, shame, loneliness and joy. For example, “I felt anger when _______”, or , “I felt joy when_______”.

CONFRONTATIONS – Most people consider the word, “confrontation”, as a negative word that means “to fight”. In our example, we are loving the members in our family so well that she “confront” them by sharing how they affected us this past week. Our desire should be to communicate in such a way that the other person hears our point of view, even if they disagree. The following is the format to use:
When _____________________________ (describe the event) When you left a towel on the floor in the bathroom
I think_____________________________ (describe what your opinion or thought) I think that was lazy
I feel _____________________________ (describe an emotion or emotions felt) I feel or felt angry and sad
I would need or like _________________ (describe what you want) I would like for you to put the towel in the hamper or hang it up
I intend to ________________________ (describe your part of the solution) And I intend to only do the laundry that makes it into the hamper
Once a confrontation is given, the recipient simply says, “Thank you” to acknowledge that they appreciate what was shared. Then they will begin to repeat what they heard. It doesn’t have to be verbatim, however, it does help to follow the outline to be sure all points were heard and validated as being heard. If needed, the speaker can repeat the confrontation as needed until they are satisfied that their confrontation was heard correctly. It is helpful to start the reflective listening by saying, “I heard you say……did I miss anything?”

FORGIVENESS EXERCISE – Whether you are confronted about something or not, you can use this next exercise to ask someone to forgive a regret. Most people will say, “I am sorry.” This is stating a fact but it doesn’t communicate why you are sorry or that you are wanting reconciliation. Try this instead: “Will you forgive me for_________________?” Three basic replies are suggested: 1) Yes, I forgive you 2) I am working on it or 3) Not at this time.

FAMILY BUSINESS – Sometimes it is helpful to add a time of communicating about practical family matters or schedules that need to be coordinated.
End the family meeting on a positive note with a closing option as mentioned earlier. If you are not usually an affectionate family, I encourage handshakes or high-fives or even hugs to stretch yourselves. I also encourage verbal expressions of love and my favorite is this: “I love you because ________________”. Let the most important people in your life know how you feel about them. Now go and invest in yourself and in your family!!

I have come to a place in my practice where I work with a lot of custody cases. I work with the children through the instability and uncertainty typically associated with custody disputes. What I have witnessed is that some parents forget that children still love and want a relationship with the other parent. Too many children feel pulled in the middle of these disputes, like they have to choose a side. This is not what family is supposed to be. At no time in Scripture are children told to only honor one parent, but not the other.

When one parent talks about the other parent in front of the child, seeds of hate and resentment are planted that could potentially grow into the child's personality and actions. There are some parents that mean no ill-will toward the ex-spouse, and want their child to have a better relationship with the other parent, but negative comments still get in the way.

The magic word here is "boundaries". Boundaries are the walls we put up in our mind to keep our mess from spilling over to other people. Boundaries are what allow people continue working their job despite having stress at home. Boundaries are what allow us to get along with people, even if we don't fully agree with their views or beliefs. And boundaries are what teach children how they can love imperfect people.

Parents need to understand that having boundaries does not mean to lie, avoid, or minimize problems. Lying, avoiding, and minimizing are never appropriate. Boundaries are for not allowing your mess about someone to spill over onto others that are not/were not directly involved. To put it in terms of a marriage, you and your spouse not getting along does not automatically mean that the child was mistreated or that the other person is unfit.

I get told all kinds of things about what a person did or how they used to act, rationalizations on how or why a parent understands and "can't blame" the kid for acting a certain way. Parents try to convince me how bad the other parent is and how the other parent does not deserve a positive relationship with their child. This is not a question of what a person "deserves". This is a question of what parents want to teach their children.

“2My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials [or temptations], 3knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” (James 1:2-4)

James’s starts verse 2 with a favorite means of expressing a personal sense of both national and Christian identity toward the particular audience at that time who then were Jewish Christians-and he calls them “brethren.” However, we today are his audience as well and the application of that personal sense is the same for us. For all who believe we are the brethren-we are the family of the most high God.

Now in verse 2 the Greek text implies falling unexpectedly into so many difficulties that a person is completely surrounded; even overwhelmed. For some of us who have either struggled with an illness or who have a loved one with an illness, we know often how that feels. As the father of a mentally challenged son, soon to be 19 and yet one who needs 24/7 supervision and care, I know exactly how that feels.

These trials or temptations referred to are not simply appeals to sin but any of the testing designed to produce pure Christian character. Genesis 22:1 uses the word “tempt” in the same way. James probably had in mind the suffering and sickness that his readers were experiencing (Ja. 5:13, 14). God’s plan is to produce something good out of every such circumstance in a person’s life.

In verse 3 the testing or trying of your faith—lit., “that which is approved [through testing] in your faith” is the very thing that brings about patience—The Greek word for patience suggests a quality of endurance and steady persistence-determination to finish the race (see Luke 8:15).
When we finish the race with patience through faith we see in verse 4 the “perfect work” which is the full effect of matured patience and thus the ability to find that “joy in bearing the cross” (Menochius) even unto death. And we do so with that great hope that for the faithful we can have the gift of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ (Matt. 10:22) (Calvin).

Perfect and complete or entire—the scriptural standard for perfection (or, maturation) is to be fully developed in all the attributes of Christian character, to be complete in every area of life (spirit, soul and body—1 Thess. 5:23), to be a whole man in this body even if our bodies sometimes seem to betray us. It is about how we handle ourselves in the face of our tribulations as we endure even the most serious hardship, despite which God’s plan is to make complete men out of us. “If God’s teachings have had a perfect work in you, you are perfect” (Alford) not by all you accomplish but through faith, what God accomplishes in you.

Such perfection is not measured by how much we’ve done in this realm but rather, but by the peace we experience through faith. Paul states in Romans 5: 1-5, “we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. 3And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; 4and perseverance, character; and character, hope.” 5Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”

It’s all about faith and trust in God that develops Christian character in the face of adversity which includes our own human suffering. If we trust God and we know He is in control and even when we suffer He has not forgotten us but rather is making us into the image of His son Jesus and like Jesus we too will be raised from death to life by faith alone, than human suffering can be seen as a good thing and yea, we may count it all Joy!!

As a Pastoral Counselor, I often see people who truly love the Lord but seem to live in a constant state of joylessness or defeat. In my experience those who have suffered from feeling defeated usually walk through one bad scenario after another. An abusive marriage, sickness or just life circumstances can naturally steal the joy from our hearts and wear us down. So often we cannot control life circumstances, however, we can prepare to conquer future obstacles that come our way by the way we think and most importantly… by having a better set of spiritual eyes. There is a huge difference on how we approach and heal from a situation as a Christians. Hence, healing cannot be fully successful without the sobering fact that there is an enemy of our souls.
Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)
A client of mine found herself in one unfair situation after another; undoubtedly, leaving her feeling defeated. She began to collect a list of wrongs in her life and could barely recall the last time she was free of a trying or troublesome circumstance that occurred in her life. She often thought to herself “God I can’t take any more of this!” Life circumstances left her feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.


But there was another part of her that wanted to serve God and when she talked about it she would no longer feel her pain. She would speak on her future including making an impact for the kingdom of God right here on earth. Her countenance change and her beauty was apparent and her heart was ready to serve… but could never seem to shake the defeat. There was a true source of resistance against her and it blocked her from seeing the truth, the victory and the joy.
Listening to her story made it clear for me, her enemy knew her better than she did! See Satan knows that she is a loved and a favored daughter of the King. The easiest target for Satan are God’s children who doubt God’s love and/ or God’s will for their lives. Satan truly looks to destroy the works of the kingdom and hate the ones that has potential to bring Glory to His name.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the fullest. John 10:10
Finally, true believers in Christ should recognize that when we experience challenge it teaches us to be more like Christ. However, you don’t have to stay in defeat all the time. You must put on your spiritual eyes and then you will see clearly the bigger picture. Your eyes will move from your current circumstance and on to the true battle of your soul and the victory awaiting through Jesus Christ. We tend to miss it all by living the voice of defeat.
Satan knew my client better than she knew herself, he knew she is a threat to the kingdom of darkness and therefore did what it takes for her to stay in defeat. Satan knows her potential… she doubted hers.
It’s never easy to go through tough circumstances, but as a Christian we must stay in the reality of the spiritual realm that our enemy Satan wants to kick while you are down so that you never get back up and live a victorious life that glorifies God.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
And this is the best cognitive therapy. Right? That we train our thought to be aligned with Christ and the word of God and trust that He is still on the throne who will be our vindicator and our deliver and the one who makes all things good. No matter who evil the circumstances, we stay in the truth that God can and will overcome.
We need to speak back boldly and confidently against the strategic attacks of the enemy who only wants to keep her doubting God’s love and plan for her life.
In all this, I pray too you no matter what your circumstance are that you are aware just how real the spiritual realm is and how God’s power is much greater!
But, He who is greater in us is great than He who is in the world. So behold!

Father I pray right now whoever is reading this blog that your power and your great love breaks through any voice of defeat? Let them have eyes to see the greater battle what is going on. Let your children know who they are never doubting but always pressing on! Let them know their true identity of being royalty and carriers of your glory!

Stress is as necessary to life as eating and communicating. Without stress we would not be able to appreciate our limits or attain our objectives. Being under the right kind of pressure, whether self-induced or externally created, is integral to responding appropriately to the challenges of everyday life. To desire an existence that is stress-free is quite literally a death wish, for it is stress that tells our bodies when “enough is enough” and we need to STOP!

Stress—what is it? As you navigate through the pages of this book, you will be able to grasp the concept of stress on different levels.

How can one manage stress and maximize success? As you approach this journey let the words marinate within your mind and penetrate your body and soul. You are on the road to managing stress and maximizing success.

IS YOUR MARRIAGE "IN A BETTER PLACE" ?

I have been involved in preaching, teaching and counseling over the last 40 years and in that time I have conducted or attended my share of funerals. There is the belief that the dearly departed is in a "better place" no matter how they lived their life. For a few, this will indeed turn out to be the case - "for a few," but not so for the majority (Mt 7:14) or the Bible is not true! As a counselor, I understand many of the thoughts and emotions behind this belief, as well as the survivors self-talk that helps him or her deal with the pain of such a loss and their own mortality. Unfortunately, even though it is extremely difficult to accept, this belief is unfounded from a Scriptural standpoint - even for those who go to church (Mt 7:21-23). You see, the Bible tells us that the church is the bride of Christ - it is like a marriage (Revelation 21:2; see Ep 5:21-33). It is not about our wonderful works, church attendance or how we feel about God, it is about our heart! It is about how God feels about us! It is not a matter of whether God loves us, this has been made abundantly clear, it is whether we loved God AND which is clearly demonstrated by a lifetime of repentance and obedience (Jo 15;9,10). If this marriage fails, it is because we failed the Lord.

Likewise, many look at their second marriage and erroneously think it is in a "better place" no matter how we are treating each other. This actually holds true for first marriages as well. Many husbands judge their marriage on how they feel about their wife rather than how their wife actually feels about him. Or the other way around. Ask any couple to rate their marriage from one to ten, one being the worst and ten being the best. With few exceptions, men will usually score their marriage two or more points higher than the woman. It isn't just the enablers or co-dependent spouses who deny that there is anything wrong in their relationship, it is practically every married couple. Marriage is like a roller coaster that has been great fun but is beginning to wear and is in need of maintenance. At first you travel over a rail at one point and it shakes. The next time it rattles. Then it sways a little and then it bumps a little before eventually breaking down. The couples, say "We have had our ups and downs but we get through it." Because they are still able to cope they actually fail to do anything about it and simply ride out the issues that are causing the bumps, shakes, rattles and sways. The next thing you know, if neither are paying attention, the marriage fails and both are trying to figure out what happened. A marriage check-up with proper counseling is invaluable, as well as post marital counseling (before your second or third marriage) can usually spot the problems based on what you did before, how you process information, problem solve, communication, (what you come to accept and how you talk about it. Take a good look at your marriage and ask yourself, "Is my marriage really 'in a better place' or am I merely compromising, awaiting the point of failure?"

Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What? We have to say Goodbye???
I have ALWAYS hated goodbyes. I cannot stand it when good books end, people move, jobs end, and most significantly when relationships end. However, as Henry Cloud says in his book Necessary Endings, “Without the ability to end things, people stay stuck, never becoming who they are meant to be, never accomplishing all that their talents and abilities should afford them.”

I first learned there could be some kind of “art in ending" from a severely depressed 15 yr. old boy. He had been "inpatient" on an adolescent psychiatric unit for 8 weeks. He was soon to be discharged and he was very ambivalent about leaving. He felt safe with us and scared of his future without the support we provided. But it was one of those necessary endings that Henry Cloud speaks of and he could not progress “locked up”. In order for him to really grow he had to go home. We therapists talk a lot of “closure” instead of goodbye. So as a newbie therapist, I set out to have some healthy "closure" with this young man. We reviewed what he had learned, who he had become and we celebrated his accomplishments. He thanked all those who helped him. He cried and so did I. This goodbye turned into a very powerful experience full of emotions and of hope. I realized right then that it was possible to end well!!

But most of us avoid endings and so we rob ourselves of this powerful experience. We don’t say thank you, we don’t celebrate enough, we don't assess our progress, we just avoid the ending. As a child of divorce, I often hung on to relationships that were unhealthy because I didn’t think I could handle the loss, the sadness, the ending. How many of us stay stuck? How many of us stay in the same job because we are afraid to try something new? As Henry Cloud says, a "necessary ending" can force us to see what we are made of, to utilize our talents and even to find new ones as we move on.

None of us like saying goodbye, but we know it is necessary. It is necessary for us to say goodbye in order for us to pursue the dreams God has put in our hearts. So let's end well, let's celebrate what we had, say goodbye, cry a bit (or maybe a lot!) and look forward to what God has for us in this next chapter. And most importantly, let's trust the God who orchestrates all this.