Let me start by assuring you, you are not alone.
Studies show that most children are first exposed to pornography between the ages of 10-12 years old, but I have heard as young as 8 years old. How are they possibly viewing adult content so young? “Protect Young Minds” has some great information and resources for parents and in this article, they find, most of the time, it is an accident.
This article, by “Covent Eyes,” makes a bold statement, “According to recent studies, 95% of teens now have access to a portable X-rated theater—i.e. a smartphone.” The truth is, pornography, adult content, adult chat rooms are not monitored, and are more graphic and depict even illegal activity. It is for these reasons I urge parents to begin monitoring internet/app use as soon as they give their child a device and to begin discussing private parts, hormonal changes, sexual urges and safety much younger. Let me share some statistics from this article to convince you why:
90% of teens and 96% of young adults are either encouraging, accepting, or neutral when they talk about porn with their friends.
83% of boys and 57% of girls are exposed to group sex online.
32% of boys and 18% of girls are exposed to bestiality online.
15% of boys and 9% of girls have seen child pornography online.
71% of teens have done something to hide their online activity from their parents.
20% of 16-year-olds and 30% of 17-year-olds have received a sext.
39% of boys and 23% of girls have seen sexual bondage online.
We need to be discussing these topics with our teenagers and taking precautions with their internet use, or they are going to learn from sources we do not want them learning from.
What do we do as parents to help our teens if they are watching porn?
Step number one is to manage your own emotions and feelings about having these types of conversations with your teenager. If you are uncomfortable, awkward, or can’t talk about these things openly, your teen is going to notice that and interpret you are not someone they can talk to about this, no matter what you say. You and your spouse/partner can practice what you want to say, you can say it in a mirror, you can meet with a friend and practice with them. But if you or the other parent cannot confidently have this conversation about your teen’s porn use, I recommend finding a very trusted adult to help you. It needs to be communicated to the teenager that the adult can handle this conversation on pornography use, and whatever the teen may need to share. If the teenager is interpreting they can’t speak freely about their pornography use, they won’t.
Step number two is to come to your teen with a demeanor that you are trying to understand. There can be no blaming, shaming, anger, disgust surrounding this conversation about pornography. (If you have already responded in such a way, I encourage you to go back and own that with your teen and tell them you want to be more understanding moving forward). Now, by no means am I condoning pornography use. An entirely different article would be needed to discuss the harm of pornography. But our teen has a brain that is not fully developed. We need to understand what need they are trying to meet by watching pornography. Some conversation prompts could be:
I really want to understand your choice to watch pornography.
Do you notice if you are watching porn when you are feeling bored, depressed, angry?
Help me understand how you feel before and after you watch pornography.
Step number three is to validate the normalcy of sexual interest for a teenager. Sexual feelings, questions and urges are totally normal. We need to normalize teenage sexuality before we can talk about ways to manage sexual interests appropriately. We need to ensure the child knows that we know way more than they do about healthy sexuality and we would prefer they come to us with questions (or our other trusted adult).
Step number four is then to reach solutions. If they are using pornography because they are bored, depressed, angry, etc, let’s brainstorm other ways to manage these feelings. If they are using pornography because they have questions and are curious, let’s answer those questions, come up with a system for them to ask us questions in the future. For example, they can text us “banana” which means they have questions that need to be answered privately. There are also resources made for teens to help answer questions on healthy teen sexuality appropriately:
Educational videos for teens, parents, and younger children: https://amaze.org/us/?topic=puberty
“It's Perfectly Normal” by Robie Harris
Step Number five is setting up accountability. If this is the first time you have put restrictions on electronic use, this will be hard and your teen is not going to like this at all. I would recommend just being honest and again, not shaming/blaming. “You know, mom and dad should have done this a long time ago, I’m sorry we are having to change things now. Even though it may feel like it, we are not trying to punish you. We just want to keep you safe from the dangers online that we didn’t realize existed.”
How to set up restrictions on an iphone:
Go to settings > screen time > content & privacy restrictions > itunes & app store purchases
Click “always require” under “require passwords” and “don’t allow” for “installing apps” and “in-app purchases.”
Go to “allowed apps & features” and toggle OFF “safari, mail, siri and dictation.”
Go to “store, web, siri & game center content” and click the settings for each one that are appropriate.
Go to “web content” and click “only approved websites.”
Under “siri” click “don’t allow” for both categories.
Once all of your settings are on as listed above, go to “content & privacy restrictions” and toggle this ON and then you will be prompted to create a passcode. Keep this passcode private from your child/teen because this will be how you change any of the restrictions.
You can also add “app limits” for all of the apps on the device.
What if I need more help as the parent?
Rehoboth Therapy & Wellness is available and ready to help you and your teen navigate the murky waters of pornography use, healthy teenage sexuality and difficult conversations. We work with those ages 14 and up to ensure both the parents and the teenager feel safe to address their concerns or their struggles.
While many teens watch pornography, we can help your teen be one of the few that don’t, keeping them on a path toward their goals, free of unhealthy distractions!
Book a free consultation with us here, we can’t wait to work with you!
Additional Resources:
Resource to help children ages 3-12 with navigating the internet in English and Spanish: https://www.defendyoungminds.com/books
Christian Family Resources (you need to scroll down a little): https://www.covenanteyes.com/e-books/#family-protection
