Christian Counselor Directory Blog

Do relationships really die? I have heard it said a number of times by pastors, pastoral counselors, therapists and espoused individuals that they or a couple is, “in a dead marriage.”

Marriage is a covenant or an agreement, a contract between two people originally established by God between a man and a women (the first were Adam and Eve) and while the Bible says in marriage that: [re: the Principles of Marriage] “Now concerning the things of which you wrote to me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. ...” (1 Cor. 7, NKJV) it doesn’t always seem to work out as we planned.

Many in my care over the years have read to me the above and only seen the physical aspect of it. But in my understanding it’s more than just about sex. Many miss the meaning with understanding of the word affection. It’s so about true love and devotion to God and in service to one another! In the above Paul is answering questions specifically but there was so much more behind what he was saying.

Note: According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America: The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%

What is Marriage? “The word "covenant," infrequently heard in conversation, is quite commonly used in legal, social (marriage), and religious and theological contexts.

The Idea of Covenant: The term "covenant" is of Latin origin (con venire), meaning a coming together. It presupposes two or more parties who come together to make a contract, agreeing on promises, stipulations, privileges, and responsibilities.’ (biblestudytools.com)

I wonder how many folks really didn’t fully understand just what it was that they were getting into and signing on for or did they just have their own idea of what they would be getting or creating as a future life of their choosing and possibly at the expense of another? Was it all talked out? The huge reality of the life-long commitment they were agreeing to and maybe after finding out not truly willing to give and to do as they agreed to. To love, to give, to serve and be emotionally and intellectually available, what does that even mean?

Take the fallen human condition and especially with the biblical illiteracy that has plagued our generations over time at least as I see it in the part of the world wherein I live and serve and it’s a total horror! I want to be clear I’m not just talking in the physical sense, e.g., sexuality, but I’m referring to human responsibility to love and care and nurture one another emotionally, intellectually and so on. Do we care for each other, about each other, for each other? Do we even really know who each other are?

In Exodus 21:7-11 the Word states regarding females given as servants and/or wives possibly in difficult times and yet under the Law, 7 “And if a man sells his daughter to be a female slave, she shall not go out as the male slaves do. 8 If she does not please her master, who has betrothed her to himself, then he shall let her be redeemed. He shall have no right to sell her to a foreign people, since he has dealt deceitfully with her. 9And if he has betrothed her to his son, he shall deal with her according to the custom of daughters. 10 If he takes another wife, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights. 11 And if he does not do these three for her, then she shall go out free, without paying money.”(NKJV)

The Apostle Paul clearly recognized these statutes mentioned above and with great depth and insight as to what it all truly meant to living souls in need of true love and care and I believe he alluded to them when he wrote 1 Corinthians 7:5, “Defraud =(swindle; cheat; deceive; trick; fleece; con; dupe) ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. 6 But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment.”(KJV)

While the questions asked of Paul and as he responded regarding sexual relations in a godly marriage between husband and wife the bigger problem as I see retrospectively in light of what I find today was the condition of the heart of one living soul and their ability and/or reluctance to truly love one for another.

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered. 8 Finally, be ye all of one mind, having compassion one of another, love as brethren, be pitiful, be courteous: 9 Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:7-9)

GRIEF IS UGLY. I HATE IT! ​

This is honestly a dreaded subject for me and one that I try and avoid. However, if I am wanting to challenge the idea of having taboo subjects, I myself have to face those that are the hardest for me. We can grieve many things throughout life, but unfortunately, the majority of my grief has been around saying goodbye to many that I love. Grief can take many forms though, it may be grieving the loss of a job that you loved, grieving the loss of a relationship, grieving the loss of freedom, grieving the loss of something physically (an ability or body part - maybe through cancer or war), your innocence, and many more. Grief is not just losing someone who has passed, but usually that is the most common grief that people think of.

Grief is like standing in a sticky pile of muck that feels impossible to escape. It is not something that I have honestly dealt with well. If you have read My Story, you know that I did anything to avoid it so that I did not have to face the pain and deal with it. When my brother died, I felt like a meteor fell from the sky and knocked me out. Grief hit me like a ton of bricks and I had NO FREAKING CLUE how to handle it. I had never felt more pain in my life than I did on December 13, 2007. The days that followed did not allow for much breathing room from the pain either. Have you been there? Whether we are expecting someone to leave our life or not, it is never easy. The phrase "You don't know what you have until its gone" has never felt more true since that heart wrenching day.

Grief is a forever process.
When I say this, I am not saying that you remain in a state of extreme sadness forever. Unfortunately and fortunately life does not allow for this, it pulls at you like an riptide and forces you to move forward. It doesn't account for the fact that our world has just crashed and burned and it feels impossible to move forward. Life is insensitive in that way and it feels very rushed and overwhelming at the beginning. How can we possibly think about moving forward? Our world has frozen. However, this is somewhat like a blessing in disguise, because it allows for us to not remain in the unbearable pain and sadness forever. One can only manage this pain for so long. Now this is not to say that we are not still grieving and feeling pain, but it forces us to think about and do other things. This time period may look different for everyone. However, eventually you do not have a choice about moving forward. Life forces us back to work, to take care of children, to engage in relationships, pay bills, and get back into a routine. This process can feel lonely and isolating though, because everyone else tends to get back to life at a much quicker pace than we want. It is our human nature to want to sit in the muck and not move forward. Even though it is painful, it does not feel possible to move forward. The thought of moving forward can be more frightening than staying in the grief. We are still feeling the sadness, anger, and denial while everyone else has moved on and are not experiencing the same feelings that we are. Moving forward is a process and one that you have to take at your own pace.

I am 8 years out from my brother dying and there are still days where the grief sits heavy in my throat waiting to spill out. The pain that I experienced on that very day in December, 8 years ago comes flooding back. How could I move on in life without him? He would have loved to be here with me sharing everything that I have accomplished. He would have loved to build a relationship with my husband. He would have been a fabulous Uncle to my children. But thankfully and devastatingly, I do not experience those days on a regular basis. I say thankfully, because I just do not think that I have the strength on a daily basis to feel that pain. I think there is a reason that our mind does not keep it at the forefront, because it knows that we cannot humanly handle that much grief ALL THE TIME. This is not to say that I do not miss him on a daily basis and wish that he was here with me, but I also have to know that he would want me to continue on living my life and doing whatever I needed to do to be happy, and it is okay for me to have good days. Those good days grow exponentially as time goes on, but in the beginning, they felt very few and far between.

Grief is UNCOMFORTABLE.
Unfortunately, just as I have discussed in previous blogs. Many people tend to run as far away from uncomfortable situations as they can. They try to act as if they do not exist and often fall dumbfounded with situations like grief. Grief is something that everyone wants to fix. People want to make you happier and act as if the situation never happened. This is no fault of anyone, as it is hard to see our loved ones in a state of grief. However, it is healthy and okay to be in a state of grief and it is not one that needs to be suppressed and shoved away. Often times, that just makes things worse. However, when the sadness doesn't subside and your loved ones have tried everything they can to make you happy, they often times no longer know what to do to help you, so they let you be. While they may feel that this is the best option, it feels isolating to the one experiencing the grief. Often times a grieving person just needs someone to sit next to them while they cry, hold them through their anger, and be okay with the fact that they are not happy. Those grieving just need to know that their friends and family are going to be there to support them and not walk away when times get tough and uncomfortable. They need someone to help lift them out of the sinking sand when they feel like there is no getting out. But the one thing they do not need are answers or fixing. There is no way to change/bring back what is being grieved. Which in the thick of the grief, feels like the only thing that can make things better. Since that isn't possible, there IS NO FIX. I unfortunately have had to watch those closest to me experience heart wrenching grief and I will tell you what. I even struggle (as a fellow griever) to fix their situation. The pain of watching someone that you love grieve is unbearable. You just want to take their pain away. We do not want to watch those closest to us be in that state, but the best thing that we can do for them is just be there and just love them.

Grief is individual.
"I know how you are feeling". Those are probably my favorite least favorite grief words. The thing that most people do not understand is the fact that grief is so absolutely individual. While you may have experienced a similar situation, you are two different people. Therefore you are going to experience the grief in a completely different way. Yes, there may be similar feelings that are felt, but that does not mean that you understand exactly what they are feeling and going through. It is somewhat comforting to know that there are others who have experienced similar situations, as our situation often feels unique and lonely. However, own your experience as only yours. Be okay with the fact that you have your own story and your own experiences that created your story. And give others the opportunity to have their own story - don't take that from them. Experiences that we face can better help us support those around us, but that still does not mean that we understand their grief and pain. Saying that we know how they are feeling can almost our support futile..

There is no right or wrong to grieve.
Often times people feel the need to tell us how to grieve and whether we are doing it right or wrong. Here is the honest truth - there is no wrong way to grieving. If you let the process happen naturally, it will take its course and happen in the way that its meant to. The fact is that our grief is our own and everyone's process is unique and individual, We all grieve differently and it is important that you do what feels right in the moment rather than molding your grief to be similar to others.

So many times we place shoulds on ourselves throughout the grieving process. STOP! Allow yourself whatever you need. Grieving is hard enough without having expectations upon us - whether it be by others or ourselves. Let yourself be sad, let yourself feel the anger, let yourself scream, let yourself cry. Grief is UGLY, but it is absolutely necessary if you have just experienced a loss. If someone tells you that you need to do or feel a certain way, you can politely tell them that is not comfortable for you and not something that you are interested in doing. Often times the advice comes when no one else knows what to do or say for you and they just want to make the grief go away. This is not malicious, but just purely human nature and usually filled will good intent. Also, do not be afraid to tell your inner dialogue to be quiet, as there should be no expectations of yourself when you are in the thick of the grief.

Whatever it may be that you have experienced. I am sorry. I would not wish grief on my enemy, Cling to others in your deepest grief, do not face the process alone. If you feel isolated and alone in your grief, seek out support. This may take all of the strength that you have, but a support system is absolutely necessary to survive the muck of grief.

Be gentle on yourself!

You are Strong. You are Able. You are Resilient.

Giving Yourself Grace = Self-Compassion

Does this concept actually exist?! Yes, indeed it does, and it is an important one!

How many times have you messed up and instead of letting it go, you beat yourself up over and over again? How many times do those messages that play in your head like a movie remind you that you will never be good enough, because of that ONE mistake that you made?
Yup, I have been there too. You are not alone.

We are our biggest critic, and frankly, for some of us it is a very ugly critic, that is RELENTLESS. Nothing that we do will ever be good enough. We will never please ourselves, because our expectations are set so high that they are unattainable. What we fail to remember is that, WE ARE HUMAN, WE MAKE MISTAKES, and WE WILL NEVER BE PERFECT.

But.. But... But.... (You argue). There is no other option besides absolute perfection. Trust me, I know.

My mom and husband could have conversations with you for hours about how my perfectionism drives them CRAZY. I change my mind a lot because of this, I cannot make decisions easily because of this, and I am often sent into anxiety over striving to reach this perfection. I expect everything around me to be perfect and my expectations for perfection are through the roof when it comes to myself. If I cannot do something in a perfect way, I struggle to want to take part at all. This makes things very difficult sometimes. I often cry because my standard for myself is not met, on a pretty regular basis. I expect A LOT of myself, and to be real honest, most of what I expect for myself cannot be attained in the timeline that I allow. Can you relate?

I am vulnerable and share my own story, because it is so important to me that you know that you are not alone.

So, where does this need to be perfect come from? For me, its control. If I can control everything around me and it looks pretty in a little wrapped up box, life is safe. As you know from reading "My Story", I strive for safety. Safety was something that at one point in my life, I lost.

Life is not predictable, and often times this is how we have experienced pain in the past. So to move forward and protect ourselves in the future and to prevent the pain from happening again, we try to take control.

The good news is, we CAN let go. We can offer ourselves self-compassion. We can grasp onto the fact that we are going to mess up. We are going to do something in an un-perfect way. We are going to experience something that is un-perfect, due to the lack of control of our world. HOWEVER, just because perfectionism isn't reached, doesn't mean that we cannot still choose happiness. We ARE still good enough. We DO still have value. We ARE lovable. Just as you would be quick to offer compassion to a friend or family member, give yourself that same value and love and offer it to yourself. You deserve to love yourself. Become a perfectionist at loving yourself.

Do you struggle with feeling like you have to be perfect? How does it affect your life? I would love to hear about your personal experience with this. Please feel free to share in the comments or contact me.

Brittany Wingfield, MS, LPCC

Is it easiest to ignore the pain that exists inside of us? Sometimes it seems too daunting to face it -- so maybe if we act like it is not there, it will go away. ​
Something that I have come to realize is that there is pain everywhere. I hate this. I hate that we live in a world that causes us so much pain and agony. I knew that this was the case, but until I started working with those who are in horrible pain, I didn't realize the extent that pain existed. Everyone has experienced pain to some extent, and therefore everyone has a story. What is your story?

I hear so often, "my pain isn't as bad as that person's pain, so I really shouldn't have anything to be upset about". Not true -- your pain is equal to those around you and your story is JUST as important. Often times, I think this thought is what keeps some from accepting and facing their pain. They feel that it is not worthy of expressing or that they will be looked down upon because it isn't as bad as someone else's.

The crazy thing about pain is that no matter how much we try and hold it in -- it always comes out. It flees from our pores. Pain is not intended to be suppressed and held in. We may not see our pain coming out, but others do. I remember the day when my husband suggested that I pursue counseling, 4 years ago. I was absolutely miserable. I thought that if I could just keep the pain down from the abuse and the death of my brother, then I would be good. I could live a happy life and act as if nothing happened. I felt like I was doing a terrific job of managing my pain. Boy, was I wrong. The pain was TOO much to face. Those closest to me became the subjects of my pain (this is not something that I am proud to admit). I did not even realize what I was doing, it was all subconscious. The moment that I felt any pain, I exploded. My pain meter was to capacity and was spilling over. I had no choice in the matter. My body could no longer take anymore. I had to do something about it. I made the choice to face the pain == scariest decision of my life.

In going to counseling, I was able to empty my pain. The weirdest thing was that in going to counseling, I felt more pain than I had ever felt. At some points, it was too much, I did not think that i could handle another ounce of pain. My heart physically hurt. But just when I thought I couldn't handle anymore, I could. I had to sit in my pain and just let it work its way through, like I had never allowed it to before. And because I was willing to do this, I started to feel the pain release. What a conundrum.... As soon as I let myself feel the pain, it started to release and become less. Now, I am not going to be dishonest with you and tell you that all of my pain has gone away, but it is much more manageable. I can now control my pain meter to the point that my pain isn't spilling over and affecting those around me.

I cannot tell you how many people have lived just as I did. Hoping that if they ignored the pain long enough, it would go away. This is actually a very common practice of the human population. We often choose to do the path that is easiest. No doubt, it is easier short term to ignore the pain. But, I can guarantee you that at some point, it becomes the more difficult route and a route that leads to more pain. Pain is meant to be released. We as humans crave that release.

Do you have pain that is spilling over? Would you benefit from getting it out?

"I don't think God is very pleased with me right now."

This was the response of a friend when I asked if he was involved in fellowship with other men at his church. It was a strange response to a yes or no question. When I asked why, he replied "Because of the things I've done in the past and put my family through. I need to get right with the Lord first."

In the language of biblical times, he felt "unclean." Like a leper in the ancient near-east, he felt unfit for the presence of God and consequently the people of God. He was in self-imposed exile, "o

As followers of Christ, whenever we decide that God is not pleased with us, we are in trouble. Like my friend, we may begin planning a comeback - a way to clean ourselves up before even thinking of approaching God or God's people. Like my friend, we might end up avoiding Jesus (and real fellowship with his people) until we feel more worthy. We may hope a few good deeds and some distance between ourselves and our last big sin will merit our return.

Sound familiar? The default mode of the human heart is to believe that God's acceptance of us is determined by our performance. We all naturally think this way. Sadly, this thinking often creeps into and even permeates the church of Jesus Christ.

We clean ourselves up, and then we can go to God. That's the word on the street.

Jesus shocks us by speaking a radically different, and beautiful word.

"Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you...I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in he, it is him who bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." (John 15:3f)

We hear Jesus use this word "clean" today and are unmoved because we no longer use it as it was used in the first century. But we should find Jesus' pronouncement of cleanliness every bit as shocking as Jesus' disciples must have when he spoke it. "Clean" and "unclean" had very specific and familiar meaning to any first century Jew. Their entire culture revolved around these concepts. Nothing unclean enters the presence of God. No one could approach God without being ritually cleansed and offering sacrifice first. But Jesus tells his disciples that all of that is over now. No more blood. No more washing.

"You are already clean."

In other words, no longer can anything you do, think, say, come into contact with, or have done to you ever make you unclean and unacceptable before the Holy One. I can't even begin to imagine a contemporary equivalent that would illustrate how countercultural this statement was to Jesus' original audience. It would have been utterly outrageous. It still is!

This "word" refers to all of the things Jesus had just done and said with his disciples in the upper-room to teach them about his mission to rescue his people from our uncleanness - from our sin. That mission has been accomplished. We call this "word" which cleanses us "Gospel," which means "good news."

My friend had forgotten that the mission was already accomplished. He was believing the lie that before he could turn to Jesus (abide), he had to cleanse himself. He didn't think in the categories of "clean" or "unclean." Instead, like many of us, he instinctually felt a need to show he had some skin in the game, to straighten up and fly right, so that he could feel spiritually confident. He was believing that he could produce fruit on his own, apart from Jesus. As a result he was exhausted, defeated, isolated, burdened, shamed - joyless. And that's what happens to all of us when we forget the Gospel, the good news that the work required to cleanse and restore us to fellowship with the Father was accomplished perfectly and for all time by Jesus. We begin to hide from Jesus and become like a branch cut away from its vine.

Jesus knew we would think this way. Isn't it unspeakably precious to hear him say, "you are already clean?"

If you are in Christ, no matter what you are struggling with today or from your past that makes you feel unclean, don't avoid Jesus. Hear and believe the word that Jesus speaks to you - you are already clean. Run to him and abide in him! Apart from him, we can do nothing.

Addiction is extremely hard to recover from, but it is worth the effort if you are willing to take certain steps to improve your quality of life. It could be argued that there has been no other time in American history when addiction recovery has been more vital, in the wake of a prescription opioid and heroin epidemic. One of the reasons that the epidemic has continued as long as it has is the fact that recovering from opioid addiction is arduous and relapse rates are staggering.

There has been a lot of talk in the news recently about improving and expanding addiction treatment services nationwide, especially in rural America. Additionally, substance use disorder centers need to utilize evidence based treatments in order to mitigate the chances of relapse. A number of treatment centers have begun prescribing patients naltrexone – sold under the brand name Vivitrol ®.

Relapse Prevention

Early recovery can be a trying time, filled with strong cravings to use, coupled with new feelings and emotions that can drive such urges. New research suggests that utilizing naltrexone can dramatically reduce the chance of relapse, HealthDay reports. The study appears in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Naltrexone blocks the euphoric effects of opioid narcotics, which means if an addict were to use oxycodone or heroin they would not experience a high. The participants in the study were all opioid-addicted adults with history involving the criminal justice system. The participants were split into two groups, one receiving monthly naltrexone injections; the other group didn’t receive the drug but was referred to counseling and referrals to community treatment programs, according to the article.

After six months, only 43 percent of the Vivitrol group had experienced a relapse, compared with 64 percent in the other group. What’s more, no one in the naltrexone group had an overdose during the six months, compared to five overdoses in the group that did not receive the drug.

Promising Findings

“We believe our study is the first of its kind to look at the real-world effectiveness of extended-release naltrexone in community settings,” lead author at NYU Langone Medical Center in New York said in a news release. “It may be particularly effective with populations, such as recently released prisoners, who typically don’t have access to other evidence-based daily medications for opiate disorders, like methadone or buprenorphine.”

Hazardous to your health...do not ingest...call the poison control center. We know the warnings from many labels we encounter in lives. As parents we keep chemicals that are harmful out of reach or in secured cabinets. How far does our concern go when it comes to our children? We spend many years protecting their bodies, providing good nutrition, educating their brains and filling their heart with love. And now that all the things that has been done by us as parents there is one thing that is going to rob it from our children, porongraphy. Yes its true our children are at risk as early as age 9. We could very well have a preteen addicted to pornography and carrying very unhealthy practices into future relationships and marriage.

Here are the facts:

90% of children ages 8-16 have viewed pornography
The average age of first internet exposure to porn is 11
More than 11 million teens regularly view porn online
The largest consumers of pornography are boys aged 12-17
70% of men aged 18-34 visit a pornographic web site in a given month
One in six women struggle with pornography addiction (Christian Counseling Today vol. 21 No 1)
There are 3 things that need to happen to safeguard our children from what could be one of the greatest tragedies in today's society; education, accountability and boundaries.

First educate yourself on the facts and how to help your children. Address any personal problem that may be in your own life or marriage. Burying your head in the sand won't make these issues go away. Pornography, media and gaming addictions are very common and should be taken seriously and address with a specialist. Educating the young children in your home as a parent should come at an age of 7-8. Leaving it to the friends or school officials gives the impression that it may not be important. We are their first choice for accountability and safety.

Accountability with us as adults comes with making good choices in our home and the workplace. The more we practice healthy boundaries with friends, co-workers and other past acquaintances will create good examples for the ones watching. Facebook is the #1 reason listed on divorce filing today. Be guardful of the loved ones within your care. Workplace affairs are not limited to men given there are more women in the workplace today than ever before. Sit down with your spouse and discuss expectations that you both have in your marriage and review them on a regular basis.

Boundaries are many times either not clearly defined or moved to accommodate pressure or the inability to say no. Today's children are living in a very fast paced society where instant gratification is readily available. As parents we mistake giving things to giving time. Most teenagers if asked what they want from the parent would respond with "for my parent to listen". When we practice our boundaries and employ good listening skills we are building a great rapport that will last forever.

Safety is not the absence of danger when it comes to our children's lives. The teaching of healthy avenues to ensure a positive response to negative situations will guard your children's minds, hearts and souls for the future.

One can only imagine the excitement of finding the perfect home for our growing family. We had spent several years living in a small apartment after marriage and started growing the family shortly thereafter. We marveled at the space we would have and all the wonderful ideas we shared would finally come to life. We could see ourselves enjoying the spacious outdoors that was perfectly manicured and enclosed by a cedar fence. We knew that our children would be safe while in their daily adventures exploring the world.
In the years following we had not expected the unforeseen challenges and brokenness we had encountered as husband and wife. The boundaries or fences, that had not been erected in the marriage did not provide safety for either of us or to offset the events that came in our daily interactions with others. We knew as a couple we had done much to ensure a successful healthy family. We had provided the family with good care, guidelines, instructions and much love. As a family we appeared to have it all until one summer we found ourselves in conflict and looking outside each other for someone to hear our hurts. I had never thought that there were going to be those nights where talking was limited and feelings were left unspoken and loneliness took root. We both had our ways to escape into a nothing world so we didn't have to face our feelings. I chose Facebook and he chose longer hours at work. Looking back now, we had missed the most important part that now seemed to endanger all we had worked for. As time went on I found a listening ear to hear my troubles and it worsened over time. Upon my husband's discovery of inappropriate discussions, I had to face what had happened to us, We had never discussed how we would handle conflicts or what boundaries needed to be in place to safeguard our marriage from the outside world.
We learned with great difficulty the importance of setting boundaries to ensure what we expected would achieve a healthy loving, trusting relationship. so we could both grow. By safeguarding the marriage from outside influences thus preventing hurtful choices and broken trust.
Fully communicating the expectations in a relationship and how to handle certain situations will help to formulate boundaries to safeguard the heart, the relationship and the future of two. Two imperfect people that will make imperfect choices that can result in imperfect pain for each of them.

Marriage can take on many different styles because it involves different people from different walks of life. Imagine for a moment, if one decided to have a marriage that was extraordinary.

Extraordinary means to have something beyond the ordinary. So, what is considered ordinary? Ordinary could be having a marriage that kinda does the same thing over and over. In some situations having the same thing over and over can be a great thing. Lets just say that your spouse tells you "I love you" before leaving to go to work. Or maybe you both kiss hello and goodbye to each other. Those kind of ordinary or repetitive actions speak volumes of your relationship and what's important to you both.

Consider some other ordinary practice that may not be as good. Your spouse comes home and immediately turns on the TV and sits down without a hello. Your partner works late every night during the week and busy on weekends with friends. Dating your spouse seemed to disappear after marriage. Some ordinary practices take on a whole new meaning.

Having an extraordinary marriage takes 3 things; time, energy and consistency. Time is the only asset we have that spells love to others in our lives . Spending time with someone or taking the time to show love and respect in the ways they like spells love to them. Time is traded for other commodities such as money, sports, status but not all things will yield a lasting positive permanent result. In order to have the blue ribbon marriage one must choose to conserve time and energy and use it consistently to create that winning marriage.

Energy also has a value that can be brought at a price. Most have learned to trade money for someone else's energy or time to gather more time for oneself. We quickly learn the value and trade-offs involved.

Consistency is probably the most difficult aspect of this concept due to the fact that habits are not easily formed or broken. Consistently doing the thing to make it a winning marriage takes effort and a plan. Planning ahead will give more time and energy to build
Looking at these factors and planning for success will yield a winning marriage that can give you both that "Blue Ribbon of an Extraordinary Marriage!

Life is made up of experiences and the conclusions we draw from them. Emotions attached to repeated and similar experiences forms beliefs. If the meaning we give these experiences is grounded in what is not true, then our behavior is driven by feelings based on these false beliefs instead of what is true about ourselves. We form conclusions based on these experiences. These false conclusions form beliefs we hold about ourselves which create negative emotions that impact our choices.

It is commonly thought that experiences determine how we feel or behave (Ridgeway, 2005). Belief Systems Therapy (BST) theorizes that behavior is motivated by how we feel which flows from what we believe about ourselves. In order to change our behavior we must discover what motivates that behavior. Our actions are motived by our emotions (the power source) that flow from what we believe about ourselves. These beliefs are the root of our behavior.

In the picture we see an apple tree which the apples represent our behavior. Looking at the apple tree, we see that the apples are attached to branches which represent our thoughts and emotions. Thus, our behavior is attached to what we think or feel at any given moment. Buried are the roots of the tree. If the roots of this tree are bad then the tree will be sick and eventually die. The roots represent our core beliefs about ourselves and how we fit in the world. It is our world view. If a person wants to change their behavior, they must identify their feelings and discover what beliefs these feelings are attached too. Change the root belief and everything including behavior changes.

Belief Systems Therapy Major Concept
The major concepts of the Belief Systems Therapy are a combination of several like therapeutic modalities. The concepts of these therapies have been researched and proven to be effective therapies.

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT)

Underlying beliefs and philosophies are the foundation for behavior.

Beliefs about yourself creates behavior that maintains, prevents, and allows recovery from emotional disturbance.

Biological and social factors along with cognitive factors are involved in the experiencing and acting process.

Psychological disturbances are influenced by biological tendencies, environmental and social conditions, created and sustained by a philosophy of dogmatic, rigid commands or demands and irrational conclusions” (Bendersky Sacks, 2004).

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy's (CBT) central premise is that “behavior is maintained by its consequences” (Nichols, 2010, p. 245) and that thoughts or cognitions influence our thinking and feeling.

Intergenerational Family Therapy (Bowen)

Bowen’s Intergenerational Family Therapy believed that “human relationships are driven by two counterbalancing life forces: individuality and togetherness” (Nichols, 2010, p. 113). Self-differentiation (emotional separateness) allows individuals to be secure in themselves while relating to others without others defining us.

Integration of Ideas

REBT evolved from CBT with the distinction of the need to change attitude in order to promote and maintain behavioral modification (Nichols, 2010).

Bowen stressed that self-differentiation led to balance between separateness and togetherness. He believed that the nuclear family was a significant contributor to behavior.

We begin with the concept that cognitions trigger and maintain behavior. Changing thoughts requires changing beliefs about myself.

Beliefs and philosophies create, maintain, prevent, and assist recovery from emotional disturbance (Nichols, 2010.) .

Emotional fusion (enmeshment or entanglement) with others prevents us from identifying what we are feeling and discovering what we believe about ourselves.

Self-differentiation (emotional separateness) helps us find the balance between being separate from others while experiencing togetherness.

Basic Principles
BST suggests that through observing behavior we can identify what we are feeling. Knowing what we feel and why, leads us to discovering what we believe about ourselves and whether that is based on something true or false. Our beliefs about ourselves are formed based on experiences and perceptions from our lives and the conclusions we make about those experiences. Thus, our past is relevant at the point of shaping what we believe about ourselves in the present.

Behaviors are motivated by what we feel.
Feelings are based on what we believe about ourselves.
Beliefs about ourselves are formed based on our experiences in life.
Change what you believe about yourself and you will change how you feel which will change what you do.
A Systemic Model Approach

Systemic theory addresses problems from a group or systems perspective. The approach is less analytical and more practical in its interventions and conceptualizes therapy by looking at everyone in the system seeking to uncover problems with the system that contributes to the presenting problem (Becvar & Becvar, 1999). From a systems perspective, the family therapist focuses on helping marriages, families and other social systems relate to one another in mutually satisfying ways (Becvar & Becvar, 1999).

The BST approach considers how individuals within the system experience one another and how their beliefs shape their feelings and behaviors. What I believe about myself will impact how I relate to others in my system. If those beliefs are based on false assumptions then my feelings will be fueled by defensiveness and emotional dysregulation. This will motivate my behavior in my interactions. Individuals in the system must be able to discover what they believe about themselves in order to introduce change within the system.

When they are able to identify how they feel, then they can be responsible for their own feelings instead of enmeshing with others. From a systemic perspective, each individual must identify how they feel in relationship to each other and move towards the kind of differentiation that allows for a balance of separateness and togetherness.

How Problems Form & Change Occurs

Problems occur when people form false beliefs as a result of negative and traumatic experiences that are reinforced throughout their life. From these beliefs, feelings flow that motivate behavior that is either adaptive or maladaptive.

Change occurs after recognizing negative behaviors that result from feelings that originate in what we believe about our self. Identifying our feelings and discovering what we believe in that situation, helps us discover if what we believe is true or not.

Behavior can be observed and feelings identified that motivate our behavior. Beliefs are unseen and discovered by knowing what and why we experience a certain feeling. Change occurs after discovering what you believe about yourself, which changes how you feel, and impacts what you do.

An Illustration

A mother observing her five year old boy playing outside is worried that he will trip and fall. She sticks her head out the window and yells "stop running." Because he is five, he continues running but trips and falls blooding his nose. He comes inside expecting comfort from his mother, but out of frustration she smacks him across the face yelling, “I told you to stop running!” The five year old concludes from this experience that there must be something wrong with him since mothers love their children. The false belief is formed.

Several years later when in grade school, he drops a book making a loud noise resulting in the teacher "yelling” at him and triggering the feeling he had with his mother. He concludes, again, that there must be something wrong with him or he would not have dropped the book. The original false belief is reinforced.

At age ten while playing little league baseball a pop fly is hit and he drops it. The coach on the sideline in frustration yells, “you idiot.” His false belief is triggered again. In his senior year of high school and two days before prom, his girlfriend calls and breaks up with him. The false belief that there is something wrong with him is triggered once again.

From this point forward the boy’s belief that there is something wrong with him has been reinforced throughout his lifetime. Now as a 35 year old man in an argument with his wife, he reacts from this false belief. He comes to therapy and asks for help because he believes there is something wrong with him.

The truth is that the mother had the problem not the boy. And yet over his lifetime this false belief has been tied too and reinforced by painful experiences from which he draws the same conclusion – there must be something wrong with me. As an adult he finally recognizes this false belief and discovers that he can experience different emotions through choosing to believe the truth that there is nothing wrong with him. This changes his behavior and how he responds to his wife.

Interventions
Belief Check In

Using a worksheet called the Belief Check In, individuals learn to identify their feelings in a particular situation and what they are believing about themselves. Once they have identified what is true, they have a choice to make. Do I choose behavior based on what I feel, or do I make a decision based on what I know to be true?

Step 1 Event - Describe what happened.
Step 2 Feeling - What am I feeling?
Step 3 Triggers - Why am I feeling these emotions?
Step 4 Beliefs - What do I believe about myself?
Step 5 Truth - What is true about what I believe about myself?
Step 6 Needs - What am I needing surrounding this event and feelings?
Step 7 Action - How can I get these needs met legitimately?
Psychoeducation

Clients learn how to identify and communicate what they are feeling and what they need from the other partner.

Clients learn how to actively listen to the other and how to validate the feelings shared.

Clients learn to recognize when they are becoming emotionally dysregulated by asking themselves questions. (Ex: Why am I feeling defensive?)

Clients learn how to regain balance between what they are thinking and feeling.

Differentiation of Self

Self-differentiation is the ability to think and reflect without responding automatically to internal or external emotional pressures (Nichols, 2010).

Clients learn to distinguishing the difference of their own (Intrapsychic) thoughts from feelings (Gehart & Tuttle, 2003). In other words, what is different between what I think about myself and what I feel about myself?

Clients learn to distinguishing the difference their (interpersonal) thoughts and feelings from others (Gehart & Tuttle, 2003). In other words, what is different about my thoughts and feelings from others?

Summary
The Belief System Therapy model originates from my own recovery from depression and addiction. Having been on a road towards a more stable and satisfying life, I have discovered what is true about myself versus the false conclusions I drew as a result of traumatic events in my past. I have been empowered to make decisions from a place of strength and confidence free from the need for others approval.

References

Bendersky Sacks, S. (2004). Rational emotive behavior therapy. Journal of Psychosocial Nursing & Mental Health Services, 42(5), 22-31. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/225540774?accountid=28180
Gehart, D. R., & Tuttle, A. R. (2003). Theory-based treatment planning for marriage and family therapists: integrating theory and practice. Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole/Thomson.
Nichols, M. P. (2010). Family therapy concepts and methods (9th ed.). Boston, MA: Allyn & Bacon.
Ridgeway, I. R. (2007). Rational-emotive behaviour therapy. Paper presented at the Lenten Studies, Melbourne, Australia.

In sports there are techniques one needs to learn to become proficient to perform well. But even with techniques it may not give you the best edge for the "perfect shot". According to most expert golfers the course management plays a role in how well one can do. So what is course management and how does that affect outcomes for success? Knowledge of course management could take one from an amateur to a pro golfer.

To calculate the best course management and to provide golfers the best opportunity to do well consider the following five criteria represented by the acronym SPEED.

S tatus of the turf
P rincipal resources
E nvironmental conditions
E xpertise of the golfers
D esign

There are also other variables that need to be calculated to ensure accuracy in the movement of the ball. Variables such as weather conditions along with the wind velocity could alter the balls movement and produce an undesirable outcome.

Let us now look at how intentional relationship management can bring us to a successful and how we can use S.P.E.E.D. to navigate the potential sandpits and other obstacles that come with all couples.

S tatus of the Relationship: Are we in content mode or in conflict?
P rincipal Resources: Mentors, church support group, stress relievers etc.
E nvironmental Conditions: Dual parent income household, time management problems,family, career and work stressors.
E xpertise: Is our knowledge base sufficient to navigate issues? Do we need an expert in relationship dynamics?
D esign: What is the vision of our marriage? What's our plan for the future?

Utilizing SPEED can fast forward a relationship into a much more positive experience by gaining knowledge for better navigation of difficult events encountered. The knowledge provides a proactive approach and create preventative measures to offset unforeseen events creating healthier communication in the relationship. Knowledge in relationships is powerful and provides confidence in managing the course of the relationship.

In relationships, much like golfing, achieving a great relationship requires couples to be flexible, willing and committed to working with their partner. The "perfect shot" will come when the players have gained knowledge, repetitive practice and a plan to offset the variables that affect performance. The unforeseen variables such as family, job, career changes can be navigated with the right education and support.

Put your relationship on the fast pace course where the green is always greener with good relationship. 

TCKs face unique challenges when finding a marriage partner. Perhaps the clearest way to describe those challenges is to contrast monocultural experience of finding a partner to the TCK one.

For the monocultural individual, by definition they have experienced only one culture and way of life and thinking. Even if they are intentional in learning about other cultures, it is different than living, breathing, and interacting with it. A monocultural understands his or her own cultural norms of dating, personal space, and expectations surrounding the dating experience. They have a much easier time reading the subtle signs when another is either showing interest or disinterest. They have a greater facility in knowing when they are being taken advantage of or when the other has a genuine interest in them as a person. Additionally, most often they do not challenge their own cultural norms and happily choose a partner that fits within those confines.

By contrast, the TCK has lived in multiple cultures and learned different world views and ways of thinking. They have seen and perhaps experienced other norms of dating in their host country and may decide they prefer that way to the ones their parents’ value. They are much more likely to compare and contrast the two (or various) styles and criticize what they believe to be too narrow and “old fashioned” ways of finding a partner. However, one disadvantage a TCK often has over a monocultural, is in being able to read the underlying signals of interest, disinterest, whether what they are experiencing in the relationship is normal for the culture or if the other is simply taking advantage of the naïve TCK. Additionally, TCKs have a tendency to jump quickly and deeply into relationships since they have learned they do not have the time or the patience for the initial chitchat or what they view as superficial relationships. Because of this, they can attract others who interpret that as an invitation to cross relational boundaries. We all long for deep connection, but the frequent moves TCKs experience mean they either completely withdraw from relationships or move too quickly; either way potentially setting them up for heartbreak.

The TCK has experienced a life that is far different from their parents, so it could seem unreasonable that they are requiring them to act and live as if those experiences never happened. For the parent, it could seem confusing and even somewhat fearful that their child does not readily adopt their values, or rather, the expression of those values. And so the fight and resistance begins.

The key ingredient is for both sides to have respect for the other’s point of view, even if they do not agree with it. One way to accomplish that could be for the TCK, as a good observer of culture, to ask his or her parents where that cultural expectation came from and how they see it as having greater value than others. Since it is often difficult to explain our own culture, one way to gain valuable knowledge is through research. Learn those cultural roots of arranged marriage partners and discover the underlying value. By doing so, the TCK is showing interest, respect and value of their parent’s worldview. Additionally, the parents chose to expose their child to a different culture, so to expect them not to be affected by that is naïve. This is key in advancing a conversation and being heard. He or she has a greater opportunity of taking the underlying value and showing how that can be expressed in other ways, those that fit with the TCKs experience. I cannot stress how important it is for the TCK and their parents to come to an amicable way to settle this difference. Whomever the TCK chooses to marry, he or she is marrying into another culture: the cultural values in parenting, marital and career expectations, and so much more. So often the young adult can forget or overlook this important factor. They are marrying far more than just their spouse, as the extended family has great influence on the marriage, even if they are not physically present.

Part of this blog was quoted in the Wall Street Journal.

http://on.wsj.com/1O1usSA

In her memoir, There was a Little Girl: The Real Story of My Mother and Me, Brooke Shields paints an honest and vivid picture depicting her experience of being raised by an alcoholic mother.

Much of her childhood was filled with chaos, and a lack of structure and stability, which is quite common in families with addiction.

She speaks about the enmeshed, codependent relationship she shared with her mother for many years:

I never thought I could live without you. I knew and understood you better than anyone else in your life. I became the meaning in your life when it would have served you to find the meaning from within. Your approval meant the world to me, as did your happiness. That was the hard part, because I wanted your approval for my growing up independently of you, yet I feared my independence was the root of your unhappiness. But if I had not fought to differentiate myself from you and from our tight bond, I would not have been able to survive.
There are many themes in her life story that are shared by others who have lived with an addicted or mentally ill family member:

…Being constantly afraid and worried for their safety and well-being
…Feeling like it’s your responsibility to keep them sober and alive
…Becoming panic-stricken when you haven’t heard from them in a while
…Desperately trying to control their addiction…AND NOT BEING ABLE TO.

Brooke lacked a sense of confidence and security, despite becoming famous at such a young age. She never felt good enough. How could she, when she wasn’t enough to keep her mother from drinking?

She was not her own person. Her existence and purpose were for her mother, not for herself. How can you be your own person, when you spend all of your energy trying to please someone else? There’s no room for you to discover who you are. Her job was to intuit the moods and needs of her mom: “She was my barometer for joy. If she was happy, I was happy.”

Like many children of addicts, Brooke became parentified, taking care of her mother, instead of getting to be a kid. It affected her as she got older, as well. While others her age were going out and dating, she was afraid to intimately connect with another person, for fear of mom feeling abandoned. As if by loving someone else, she would somehow love her mother less. There wasn’t enough space for anyone else.

After Brooke’s mother passed away, she felt completely lost. How do you find your way in this world without someone telling you how and who to be?

Her mother had been all-knowing. She was smarter than everyone, knew better than everyone. Brooke idealized her mom, because she didn’t have the option to question or doubt her: “I loved you so much, that for so long I put you before me. I blindly defended you because you are my mom. It was often just that simple.”

Now, as a mom herself, Brooke sometimes catches herself acting like her mother with her own children…wanting them to idealize her and think she always knew best: “As a mom, I admit I sometimes wish my daughters looked up to me with the same undaunted devotion as I did you because I imagine it felt good.”

She admits moments of feeling hurt, and even indignant when her daughters question her, or point out her mistakes. Then she realizes: this is a good thing – they are secure, independent and confident – this is how you want them to be.

I also don’t want them to have to carry that burden. I carried you, mom, because I loved you and needed you, but I needed to learn to care for myself too. I remain conflicted because I felt like you never really let me in, yet you absorbed me so far in that I could hardly find my way out. I was navigating your demons. I was trying to do for you what only you could do for yourself. I was never going to ‘fix” you. I see too, that much of your happiness was independent of anything I did or was, but as a child, one carries that responsibility. I did not have faith that you would be okay, so I kept trying to be the source of your happiness and self-worth.

Brooke’s self-awareness and mindfulness allow her to break the cycle of addiction and dysfunction in relationships. She is empowered to make her own decisions and do things differently with her children.

A bad childhood mustn’t equate to a bad future.

In a letter to her mother, Brooke reminds us of a very important lesson: not only do you not have to repeat the mistakes of your parents, you get to TAKE THE GOOD, AND DISCARD THE BAD.

I learned about humor survival and perseverance. I learned the power of observation. I learned how to always work hard and try my best. I learned how to never take no for an answer and how to fight for what I want. I learned to pick myself up when I fall and never allow defeat to define me. You taught me to cast of any negative comments and not to sweat the small stuff. You taught me to look for the good in people and to admit that life could always be worse. You taught me how to adapt to my surroundings and to jump into life with both feet. You taught me how to sneak into a second movie, and be silly for a laugh. Throughout the good and the bad, I would not have traded you for any other mother. I would have exchanged some of your behaviors, sure, but I can say that about practically everyone I know, including myself. You did the best you could, and so did I.

There is hope for all of us. We can still become our true selves, even if it’s been hampered for a while. Even if it doesn’t happen until adulthood.

We get to acknowledge the parts of our life that haven’t been ideal, learn from mistakes (whether our own, or those of our parents), and then write the rest of our story. We get to make a better future for ourselves. Our past experiences need not continue to control our lives.

The rest is up to you.

Interview with Kansas City Blogger Local

High school and college students are no strangers to the effects of anxiety and depression. This segment of the population however, faces a unique type of anxiety and depression that the general population rarely comes in contact with. Test anxiety is a major issue for students the Kansas City metro area. We met up with one local counselor to discuss test anxiety and how to deal with it.

Ben: Hello there. This is Ben Hartman from Blogger Local Kansas City. We’re out in Leawood with Molly Pierce, a Kansas licensed professional counselor and owner of True Self Counseling. We’re meeting with her today to discuss some of the upcoming anxiety that is related to the school season being in full swing. There are a lot of tests coming up. We met with Linden at Get Smarter Prep the other day, and she was actually talking about the ACTs coming up on September 21st. Molly, if you can just tell us a little bit about yourself and True Self Counseling, that would be awesome.

Molly: Aright. I started True Self Counseling in 2010. I really have a passion to help people deal with common everyday problems, such as anxiety, depression, and communication/relationship problems.

Ben: Okay, so you deal with individuals, and then you deal with people in relationships, and then some group counseling as well?

Molly: Yes, absolutely.

Ben: You have a test anxiety clinic going on over at Get Smarter Prep. Tell us about it.

Molly: It’s a one hour clinic in the evening to help students prepare to manage their anxiety, to get the best score that they can on their ACT or SAT. With the ACT test coming up, we actually just did a test anxiety clinic last week.

Ben: Is it open to only people that go to Get Smarter Prep already or is it open to the general public?

Molly: This was the first one we did, and it was just Get Smarter Prep students, but I’m sure that outside people would be welcome to come. There’s just a $25 fee.

Ben: Okay, so this is something that you guys are developing and working on, and it seemed successful this time? There was a good turnout?

Molly: It did seem successful. It seemed like the students really benefited from it.

Ben: There’s kind of two sides to being anxious about tests, the side where it’s impending and you’re stressed and you’re trying to learn as much you can before it comes. Then for some people, afterwards there’s the anxiety of not having gotten the goal they strived for and being let down by or disappointed by their performance. Can you maybe talk a little bit about the difference in the problems face on either side of the test?

Molly: Sure. A lot of the students are getting the help they need in learning how to solve the problems on the exams and they feel confident in that aspect, but they really get freaked out about being timed and running out of time, and then there’s just this train of negative thoughts of like, what if I run out of time? What if I fail? Then I’m not going to get into the school I want to get into, and into my preferred profession.

Ben: It’s a compounding cycle?

Molly: Yes, it can go down this compounding hole of anxiety. Same thing for after the test if they don’t get the score they were hoping for. It’s almost like this sense of impending doom that now they can’t pursue the career that they want.

Ben: Yes, that their life is over.

Molly: Their life is over, even though they can really just go retake the test and go on with life.

Ben: Yes. For some people, they feel like it speaks about them and tells people outwardly something they don’t want to convey.

Molly: That is absolutely true. A lot of people equate their self-worth with how well they perform whether it’s on the test, or in sports, or relationships, or jobs, or whatever, so not getting a good score can actually make people feel pretty bad about themselves.

Ben: Yes. There’s that misconception that the test score you get is a reflection of your worth, and those things are really completely exclusive.

Molly: Exactly, and that type of thinking really leads into depression and just feeling bad about yourself.

Ben: For some people that didn’t come to the clinic what could you recommend? What are some tips that people can follow to get in their habitual nature that will help them avoid getting test anxiety or help them in reducing test anxiety?

Molly: Anxiety is really a twofold issue. There are the physical symptoms of anxiety, so when you feel like your breathing is getting short and shallow, and you might feel tingly. You might feel butterflies in your stomach. One thing you can do is deep abdominal breathing, which really calms your body and soothes the physical symptoms of anxiety.

The other aspect of anxiety is the mental part of it. It’s the thoughts, so if you’re thinking, oh my gosh, I’m so nervous. I’m going to do horrible. I’m going to fail. That thinking is not going to be helpful, so you need to identify that negative thinking and change it into more positive and accurate thinking, such as I’ve prepared for this test. I know what I’m doing. It’s going to work out, and so forth.

Ben: Okay. Do you have any recommended reading for people that need some encouragement, that need to help to and reinforce a better positive mental frame of mind before a test?

Molly: Sure. There’s lots of good reading out there on anxiety and changing negative thinking. One book is the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook by Edmund J. Bourne. Another good one is When Panic Attacks, which is written by David Burns, and he really does a lot in the treatment of anxiety and depression. He’s pretty big in that world.

Ben: Okay, so that would be some good recommended reading?

Molly: Absolutely.

Ben: We will check back in with you soon so we can learn about some of the group work you’ve been doing over at the Leawood Church of The Resurrection on the topics of depression and anxiety. Thanks for your time, and we encourage our readers to check out your test anxiety clinic over at Get Smarter Prep as well as many of the services you offer.

Molly: Absolutely, and really, anyone struggling with anxiety, depression, marital issues can feel free to check out True Self Counseling to see if we might have services that are helpful for them.

Ben: Definitely. Thanks for your time, Molly.

Molly: Thank you.

Anxiety is something that everyone deals with, to some extent, during their life. For some people it’s a passing experience of feeling stressed and overwhelmed. For others, though, anxiety can be crippling. I mean truly, intolerably, despairingly crippling.

You can’t sleep, you can’t eat, you can’t focus. Your work suffers; your relationships suffer. You question everything you do, and everything you say. Your mind never stops churning things over. You’re filled with feelings of self-doubt and never being good enough. It’s pure agony.

The term “anxiety” gets thrown around for everything, ranging from feeling nervous to experiencing unrelenting, incapacitating panic attacks. Because of this, there are people who equate “feeling stressed” to knowing what having an anxiety disorder feels like. Unfortunately, this attitude feels discrediting and invalidating to the person who truly experiences the wrath and magnitude of anxiety.

Anxiety can manifest itself as a condition, such as a phobia, social, or generalized anxiety; or on a greater level, it can present comorbidly with other conditions, such as Depression, ADHD, Schizophrenia, and so forth. Anxiety is not a character flaw. I repeat: ANXIETY IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. Anxiety is a neurological imbalance. It is the result of obtaining some unfortunate genetics and/or exposure to certain life experiences. None of those things are your fault in any way.

I am the youngest child of two girls. Some people believe that being the youngest child makes you “selfish.” I would say that I do, in fact, have a tendency towards selfishness. But my selfishness isn’t due to being the youngest child; rather, it’s a result of having to manage my anxiety.

For instance, I can’t be the person who goes and offers comfort to a friend in the middle of the night because of a break-up, or some other challenging situation. I have to be selfish; I need to sleep. Because altering my routine and extending myself could offset my own mental stability. I need to rest. I need to relax. I need time to myself.

I have to “be selfish” in order to operate in a fast-paced, high-producing, performance-based society. I’m at a disadvantage to others, who function at a higher level, and with more ease. Because of my anxiety, my mental and emotional reserves are easily and quickly depleted.

I want to be there for my friends in the middle of the night, when they are hurting, but the fact of the matter is that I can’t. I have to take care of myself. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care. It doesn’t discredit me as a kind-hearted person. I absolutely want what is best for the people around me. I simply need my time, time when I am off limits, time to recuperate.

I’ve learned from past mistakes of over-extending myself. There have been times when I’ve tried to be everything to everyone. I went out of my way, above and beyond, to be there for people. Even when I did all that I could, I still felt this hankering guilt that it wasn’t enough; that I wasn’t enough.

I have since learned that the care and support I am able and willing to offer others is enough. I have since learned that I am enough. I realize that I owe it to myself (and others) to take care of me. I have to care for myself at least as well as I care for others. Self-care is a requirement for others-care. And when you think about it, there’s really nothing selfish about that.


* Special thanks to my considerate, generous, hard-working, and capable niece for sharing her story, in hopes of providing understanding and validation for those who face their own struggles, and in hopes of providing insight for others to develop empathy for such challenges.

What are boundaries?
What does a boundary look like?

Boundaries help us to define what is NOT on our property and what we are NOT responsible for. We are not, for example, responsible for other people. Nowhere are we commanded to have “other-control,” although we spend a lot of time and energy trying to get it!

People with poor boundaries struggle with saying no to the control, pressure, demands, and sometimes the real needs of others. They feel that if they say no to someone, they will endanger their relationship with that person, so they passively comply but inwardly resent. Sometimes a person is pressuring you to do something; other times the pressure comes from your own sense of what you ‘should’ do. If you cannot say no to this external or internal pressure, you have lost control of your property and are not enjoying the fruit of ‘self-control.’

Boundaries can take on many different shapes and forms for different people. However, some of the common factors of boundaries include geological distance, time, emotional distance, other people, consequences, feelings, attitudes & beliefs, behaviors, choices, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, and love.

Geographical Distance:
Sometimes physically removing yourself from a situation will help maintain boundaries. You can do this to replenish yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually after you have given to your limit, as Jesus often did.

Time:
Taking time off from a person, or a project, can be a way of regaining ownership over some out-of-control aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set. Adult children who have never spiritually or emotionally separated from their parents often need time away…They need to spend some time building boundaries against the old ways and creating new ways of relating that for a while may feel alienating to their parents. This time apart usually improves their relationship with their parents.

Emotional Distance:
Emotional distance is a temporary boundary to give your heart the space it needs to be safe…People who have been in abusive relationships need to find a safe place to begin to ‘thaw out’ emotionally. You should not continue to set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. To continue to open yourself up emotionally to an abusive or addicted person without seeing true change is foolish. Forgive, but guard your heart until you see sustained change.

Other People:
Fear of being alone keeps many in hurtful patterns for years. They are afraid that if they set boundaries they will not have love in their life…Many people have been taught by their church or their family that boundaries are unbiblical, mean, or selfish.

Consequences:
Just as the Bible sets consequences for certain behaviors, we need to back up our boundaries with consequences. God does not enable irresponsible behavior. Consequences give some good ‘barbs’ to fences. They let people know the seriousness of the trespass and the seriousness of our respect for ourselves. This teaches them that our commitment to living accordingly to helpful values is something we hold dear and will fight to protect and guard.

What’s Within My Boundaries:
We may be moved with compassion to give to someone in need. But sometimes a person may manipulate us into giving more than we want to give. We end up resentful and angry.

Feelings:
The Bible says to ‘own’ your feelings and be aware of them. They can often motivate you to do much good. Feelings come from your heart and can tell you the state of your relationships. They can tell you if things are going well, or if there is a problem. If you feel close and loving, things are probably going well. If you feel angry, you have a problem that needs to be addressed. But the point is, your feelings are your responsibility and you must own them and see them as your problem so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they are pointing to.

Attitudes & Beliefs:
People who have never questioned their attitudes can fall prey to the dynamic that Jesus referred to when he described people holding on to the ‘traditions of men,’ instead of the commands of God (Mark 7:8; Matt. 15:3). People with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. They feel that to hold people responsible for their feelings, choices, and behaviors is mean. However, Proverbs repeatedly says that setting limits and accepting responsibility will save lives (Prov. 13:18, 24).

Behaviors:
Behaviors have consequences. As Paul says, ‘A man reaps what he sows’ (Gal. 6:7-8). To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless. Parenting with love and limits, with warmth and consequences, produces confident children who have a sense of control over their lives.

Choices:
We need to take responsibility for our choices. This leads to the fruit of ‘self-control’ (Gal. 5:23). We need to realize that we are in control of our choices, no matter how we feel. This keeps us from making choices to give ‘reluctantly or under compulsion,’ as 2 Corinthians 9:7 says. We have been so trained by others on what we “should” do that we think we are being loving when do we things out of compulsion {or reluctance}. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.

Limits:
What we can do is set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly; we can’t change them or make them behave right. We are not being unloving. Separating ourselves protects love, because we are taking a stand against things that destroy love. We need to be able to say no to ourselves. This includes both our destructive desires and some good ones that are not wise to pursue at a given time.

Talents:
We should not be chastised for being afraid; we are all afraid when trying something new and difficult. However, we should confront our fears and do the best we can. Not confronting our fear denies the grace of God and insults both his giving of the gift and his grace to sustain us as we are learning.

Thoughts:

1. We must own our thoughts.
Many people have not taken ownership of their own thinking processes. They are mechanically thinking the thoughts of others without ever examining them.

2. We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds.

3. We must clarify distorted thinking.
Taking ownership of our thinking in relationships requires being active in checking out where we may be wrong. Also, we need to make sure that we are communicating our thoughts to others. Many people think that others should be able to read their minds and know what they want. This leads to frustration.

Desires:
We need to own our desires and pursue them to find fulfillment in life.

Love:
Many people have difficulty giving and receiving love because of hurt and fear. Having closed their hearts to others, they feel empty and meaningless.

We need to take responsibility for all of the above areas of our lives. These areas all lie within our boundaries. Taking care of what lies within our boundaries isn’t always easy; neither is allowing other people to take care of what lies within their boundaries. Setting boundaries and maintaining them is hard work, but is well worth it for a healthy you and for your relationships.


Works Cited:
Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

Has anyone ever told you that you’re a people-pleaser? Don’t be so flattered…it’s not really a compliment. It feels better to view people-pleasing as an admirable attribute, rather than look at it for what it truly is: a serious psychological problem.

In actuality, the “disease to please” is a compulsive — even addictive — behavior pattern in which you feel controlled by your need to please others, and addicted to their approval. At the same time, you feel out of control over the pressures and demands on your life that these needs have created.

The Disease to Please is comprised of three components: (1) People-Pleasing Mindsets, or distorted ways of thinking; (2) People-Pleasing Habits, or compulsive behaviors; and (3) People-Pleasing Feelings, or fearful emotions.

People-Pleasing Mindset
If you fall into this category, your behavior is driven by a fixed thought that you need and must strive for everyone to like you. You measure your self-esteem and define your identity by how much you do for others whose needs, you insist, must come before your own. You believe that being nice will protect you from rejection and other hurtful treatment from others. You impose demanding rules, harsh criticism, and perfectionist expectations on yourself in an attempt to gain universal acceptance from others.

People-Pleasing Habits
If you fall into this group, you are driven to take care of others’ needs at the expense of your own. You do too much, too often for others, almost never say “no,” rarely delegate, and inevitably become overcommitted and spread too thin. And, while these self-defeating, stress-producing patterns take their toll on your health and closest relationships, they maintain a firm grip on your behavior because they are driven by your excessive, even addictive, need for everyone’s approval.

People-Pleasing Feelings
Under this category, your behavior is primarily caused by the avoidance of frightening and uncomfortable feelings. You will recognize the high anxiety that merely the anticipation or possibility of any angry confrontation with others evokes. (All you conflict avoiders out there — this is you!) Your people-pleasing behaviors are primarily an avoidance tactic intended to protect you from your fears of anger, conflict, and confrontation. These fears don’t actually diminish; they intensify as long as the avoidance pattern persists! (Long story short: you have to face your fears in order to overcome them). Because you avoid difficult emotions, you never allow yourself to learn how to effectively manage conflict or how to appropriately deal with anger. As a consequence, you relinquish control too easily to those who would dominate you through intimidation and manipulation.

Living a life of people-pleasing is not the way to go. Your self-esteem takes a massive toll. Your identity and sense of self-worth is all tied up in how much you do for others and how successful you are at pleasing them. It causes your relationships to lose their authenticity; If your niceness prevents you from telling others what is making you unhappy, angry, upset, or disappointed — or from hearing their complaints — there is little chance of fixing what has gone wrong.

Under the surface of your selfless niceness, resentment and frustration will begin to boil and churn, threatening to eventually erupt in open hostility and uncontrolled anger. It takes a physical toll, as well. It may come out in the form of migraine or tension headaches, back pain, stomach pain, high blood pressure, or any of a host of other stress-related symptoms. You will eventually hit the proverbial wall with your energy exhausted and you’ll want to give up, not knowing what else to do. In the end, your trusty habits of people-pleasing will fail you. So save yourself the trouble, and don’t spend your whole life living hostage to its ways.


Works Cited: The Disease to Please by Harriet B. Braiker

Rule 1: The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.
The concept of confidence is defined as “an act of trust or reliance” (trusting and relying on one’s abilities and competencies), rather than viewing confidence as “having a feeling of absolute certainty or assurance.” This is a better approach, because if you wait for the feelings of confidence to come before taking any sort of action, then there’s a chance you might end up waiting forever. That’s not very effective. Harris offers four steps to follow in order to become more confident in any action: (1) Practice the skills, (2) Apply them effectively, (3) Assess the results, and (4) Modify as needed.

Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear; it is a transformed relationship with fear.
People believe many myths about fear, such as: fear is a sign of weakness; fear is the enemy; fear holds you back; confidence is the absence of fear. But the truth is that when anyone steps out of their comfort zone, takes a risk, or faces a challenge, they will experience fear. That’s not a sign of weakness; it’s the natural human response. Fear doesn’t have to be viewed as an enemy, or something to hold you back, rather, it can be used as a motivating source of energy to be used for your benefit. It is not true that confident people don’t feel anxious or afraid, but perhaps they have figured out how to handle it and channel it effectively.

Rule 3: Negative thoughts are normal. Don’t fight them; defuse them.
Dealing with negative thoughts can be annoying, but the fact that we have them is actually a good thing! It’s a sign that our brains are working: trying to anticipate what could hurt us or harm us, trying to predict what might go wrong, etc. If your mind has negative or anxious thoughts, congratulations – you have a normal brain. Negative thoughts are not inherently problematic, they only become so if we get all caught up in them, give them all our attention, treat them as the gospel truth, allow them to control us, or get into a fight with them. The goal is defusion: separate from your thoughts and realize that they are simply words.

Rule 4: Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem.
Having high self-esteem means evaluating oneself positively. The trouble is that it gets hard to do this when one is not successful, or when one makes mistakes. On the other hand, self-acceptance means accepting oneself in spite of deficiencies. It involves letting go of all self-judgments. It doesn’t mean that we stop paying attention to the way we behave, and the impact of our actions; it simply means that we let go of blanket self-judgments. When we make a mistake, we reflect on it and assess our actions. Harris puts it well when he poses: “If beating ourselves for every mistake we make was productive, wouldn’t we all be perfect by now?”

Rule 5: Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously.
Values are one’s guiding principles of behavior, according to what is important to them in life. Harris likens values to a compass: they give us direction, guide our journey, and help us stay on track. (Goals are what we want to achieve along the way). Examples of values include: adventure, authenticity, connection, contribution, courage, creativity, flexibility, honesty, humor, intimacy, open-mindedness, respect, self-awareness, spirituality, and trust. One reason to hold your values lightly is the tendency for them to turn into inflexible requirements, such as, “I must be adventurous at all times.” Remember, the goal is to live by guiding values, not rigid rules.

Rule 6: True success is living by your values.
This means using one’s values to set goals, and to sustain movement toward set goals. You don’t have to wait until you achieve a goal in order be successful; you can be successful right now through living by your values. Maybe a goal of yours is to become a doctor because you hold the value of helping others. It will take you several years to actually become a doctor, but you can do many things to help people along the way.

Rule 7: Don’t obsess about the outcome; get passionate about the process.
Process is the way you go about doing something, whereas outcome is the result of what you’ve done. The idea here is not to give up on your goal(s), but to shift the emphasis to engaging fully in the process, and embracing it as an opportunity for learning, rather than obsessing about the outcome.

Rule 8: Don’t fight your fear: allow it, befriend it, and channel it.
Russ Harris Speaks of using “The ABC of Fear-Whispering” for dealing with fear (A=allow, B=befriend, C=channel). Trying to fight against or avoid an emotion oftentimes just makes the unpleasant emotion stronger. So, instead of fighting your experience of fear, try simply allowing it to be. Harris encourages befriending one’s fear: building a positive relationship with it. You don’t necessarily have to like it, but haven’t you ever been friendly to a person whom you don’t necessarily like? It’s kind of like that. Also, fear is worth befriending if it helps you live by your values, achieve your goals, perform at your peak, and live a richer, more meaningful life. Fear is kind of like nervous energy, but it can be less scary if you frame it as feeling “excited” or “pumped” instead. Think to yourself, “How can I make good use of this energy? What can I channel it into?” Use your fear to your benefit. And remember, you can have fear and confidence at the same time. If you recall Rule 2: Genuine confidence is not the absence of fear, it is a transformed relationship with fear.

Rule 9: Failure hurts – but if you’re willing to learn, it’s a wonderful teacher.
In the words of John Dewey (American philosopher): “Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as from his successes.” Just like fear, failure is a fact of life. It’s also a natural part of learning; we reflect on what didn’t work, and think about what might work better next time. It is productive to acknowledge what went “wrong,” while also appreciating what went well. It provides good feedback from which to learn!

Rule 10: The key to peak performance is total engagement in the task.
Peak performance requires practice, defusing from reasons not to do it, making room for discomfort or fear, and fully engaging in the process. The key to peak performance is having focused attention on the task at hand. This requires mindfulness: defusing from unhelpful thoughts, such as, what you look like, what others are thinking, judging your performance, thinking about past or future events, etc. While you can’t eliminate unhelpful thoughts or feelings, you can make space for them while remaining focused and engaged in what you are doing in the present moment. It is in this state of mindful, focused action that we perform at our best.

Works Cited:The Confidence Gap: A Guide to Overcoming Fear and Self-Doubt by Russ Harris

I recently came across Elbert Hubbard’s essay on “Mental Attitude” in a book I was reading, and I enjoyed it so much that I wanted to share it with others. For me, it speaks an optimistic message of how having the right combination of self-confidence, courage, and determination will lead you to success. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Whenever you go out of doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every hand-clasp.

Do not fear being misunderstood, and never waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do, and then without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal.

Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do; and then, as the days go gliding by, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes form the running tide the elements it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual.

Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude – the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire, and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high.

Works Cited:
Knox, George. Thoughts That Inspire. Des Moines. Personal Help Publishing Co. 1906.
Carnegie, Dale. How to Win Friends & Influence People. New York. Simon and Schuster, Inc. 1981.

Albert Ellis is known as the grandfather of Cognitive Behavior Therapy. He combined humanistic, philosophical, and behavioral therapy to form Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) in 1955. A main assumption of REBT is that people contribute to their psychological problems by the way they interpret events. Further, our emotions stem mainly from our beliefs, evaluations, interpretations, and reactions to life situations. REBT assumes that cognitions (thoughts), emotions, and behaviors interact significantly and have a reciprocal cause-and-effect relationship. Additionally, REBT postulates that people are born with a potential for both rational and irrational thinking.

According to Ellis, we have an inborn tendency toward growth and actualization, yet we often sabotage our movement toward growth due to self-defeating patterns we have learned. We originally learn irrational beliefs from significant others during childhood, and we actively reinforce these self-defeating beliefs by repetition, and by behaving as if they are useful. But it is not useful to blame ourselves and others; instead, it is important that we learn how to accept ourselves despite our imperfections. Therefore, a major goal of REBT is to achieve unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional other acceptance; the more one is able to accept him or herself, the more likely he is to accept others.

The therapeutic process involves identifying irrational beliefs, and replacing such beliefs with more rational and effective ways of thinking. Changing one’s thinking results in changing one’s emotional reactions to situations. Ellis succinctly puts it this way, “You mainly feel the way you think.” Some examples of irrational beliefs that lead to self-defeat include: I must have the approval of all the people in my life, or else I am worthless. I must perform all tasks perfectly, or else I am a failure. It is better to avoid life’s difficulties than to try and end up looking foolish.

The A-B-C framework and method of disputing irrational beliefs is central to REBT theory and practice.

A = an event, behavior, or attitude
B = belief about the event
C = emotional & behavioral consequence or reaction (can be healthy or unhealthy)
D = disputing irrational or self-defeating beliefs
E = effective philosophy of replacing unhealthy thoughts with healthy ones
F = a new set of healthy feelings

A (the activating event) does not cause C (the emotional consequence); rather, B (the person’s belief about the event) largely causes C. D is the application of methods to challenge irrational beliefs by detecting, debating, and discriminating irrational (self-defeating) beliefs from rational (self-helping) beliefs. E is the new and effective belief system that consists of replacing unhealthy thoughts with healthy ones. In doing this, F (a new set of healthy feelings) is created.ABC Framework 11

In summary, Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy entails the following steps: (1) acknowledge that we are largely responsible for our own emotional problems, (2) accept that we have the ability to change these disturbances significantly, (3) recognize that our emotional problems often stem from irrational beliefs, (4) accurately perceive these beliefs, (5) see the value of disputing such self-defeating beliefs, (6) accept that we need to counteract our dysfunctional beliefs/feelings/behaviors, and (7) practice these methods to improve current and future circumstances.


References:
Corey, Gerald. Theory and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy. Belmont. Thomas Learning, Inc. 2005.