Christian Counselor Directory Blog

Are You or Someone You Know Contentious? Here's 21 Ways To Check

1) Contentiousness defined: Words like feisty, anxious, testing, grouchy, critical, perfectionistic, blaming, shaming, hostile, opinionated, quarrelsome, argumentative, and nagging all help to describe this problem.

2) People who struggle with this issue may have a lot of anxiety as both children and adults.

3) Contentious people usually repel others, and this may come from an unconscious fear of closeness, vulnerability, and or inferiority.

4) Sometimes, contentious people major in the minors, starting fights over minor points of fact, doctrine, opinions, or other people’s behavior.

5) Blaming is a big symptom in contentious people. This is usually a result of feeling lonely and unsuccessful as well as having so much hurt, shame, anxiety, or anger at themselves on board that it spills over onto others.

6) Some women will frequently express anger through contentiousness: Some men do, too, but may either act out angrily, act out sexually, or act passive-aggressively.

7) Contentious people believe, at a deep level, that others are responsible for their lives, happiness, and or emotions.

8) Believing that they are unloved or loveable, contentious people think they must test others, especially those close to them, to ensure they won’t leave, get too close, or somehow fail to love them.

9) A contentious person is much more likely to live by anxiety, shame, fear, or hate than by faith, love, grace, and truth.

10) In reality, a contentious person’s hate, blame, criticism, and testing are really about how they see themselves, not others.

11) Acting contentious is a way of testing other people to see if the contentious person is loved.

12) Self-hate or shame is a common companion for contentious people.

13) Some contentious people experience difficult attachment at an early age and have symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder.

14) Adult Children of Addicts and Co-Addicts will frequently display contentious behavior to cope with their sense of inferiority, shame, anxiety, and feeling out of control.

15) Contentious people do not set real boundaries and limits. If they set limits, they are designed to change other people rather than designed to protect themselves.

16) One-up, One-Down relationships are a frequent position contentious people take. They try to play the blaming parent, the wiser parent, the smart teacher, or other authority figure when, in reality, they are the helpless little child inside. They will sometimes go into the one-down position and play the victim.

17) Contentious people will frequently find irresponsible people to mate or work with because, many times, unconsciously, they are afraid of losing control. Sometimes, they will find super-responsible people to make up for their irresponsibility.

18) People who live with contentious people will eventually pull away or retreat in some fashion. “It is better to live in the corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” – Proverbs 21:10. "As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife – Proverbs 26:21

19) Defending yourself against a contentious person is essentially useless. Nuclear submariners talk about “Time, Distance, and Shielding” when dealing with protection from toxic materials. Solomon talks about toxicity this way: “A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike. He who would restrain her restrains the wind and grasps oil with his right hand.” Proverbs 27:15

20) Listening to feelings and avoiding defending oneself for as long as possible is the best way to deal with contentiousness. Telling the person you will distance yourself when they are contentious and then doing it with the support of others can also help. It is important to remember that boundary setting is about you, not about changing the other person. Do not create walls. Create boundaries that keep you sane.

21) Allowing natural consequences for out-of-control anger and contentiousness can also help: “Do not rescue a man given to anger, for you only have to do it again. "Proverbs 19:19

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is one of the best ways to deal with attachment as well as ACA issues. Joining a group that deals with emotional hurts and toxicity can be very helpful.

There’s a common question among Christians facing anxiety, depression, and trauma: Is seeking counseling a lack of faith? Many believers struggle with the idea of therapy, wondering if they should rely solely on prayer and scripture for healing. Some may even feel guilt or shame for considering professional help, fearing it means they aren’t trusting God enough.

But what if counseling is a tool God provides for healing? What if seeking wise counsel
is not a sign of weakness but an act of wisdom? Throughout scripture, we see God using
people—mentors, friends, and even professionals—to help others navigate struggles. Proverbs reminds us that “with many advisers, plans succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). Even Jesus himself is called the “Wonderful Counselor” (Isaiah 9:6), showing that guidance and wisdom are part of His divine nature.

The Bible reminds us seeking wise counsel is not a sign of weak faith but a step toward wisdom and healing. God often works through people—pastors, friends, mentors, and yes, even professional counselors—to bring restoration to our hearts and minds.

If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or trauma, know that you don’t have to walk this journey alone. Seeking help is not a lack of trust in God—it’s a way of stewarding the mind and emotions He has given you. Just as we seek medical care for physical ailments, we can seek wise, faith-filled counsel for emotional and mental health.

If this sounds like you please reach out today for a free 15-minute phone consultation (772-446-1922) or check out my website at https://caterpillarcounseling.webflow.io/therapy

In the journey of a Christian marriage or relationship, it's not uncommon to arrive at a season that feels routine or lacks excitement. As Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." This includes moments of spiritual testing and growth, even in our closest relationships. If you're finding yourself whispering, "This relationship is so boring," it's time to reflect on why and explore what you can do to cultivate a deeper, more fulfilling connection.

Identifying the Root Causes

First and foremost, it's crucial to understand what's contributing to this sense of monotony. Have daily responsibilities and distractions led you to drift apart? Has your spiritual connection or personal growth become stagnant? Often, the busyness of life can overshadow the importance of nurturing our relationships, leading to a plateau that can feel like boredom.

Moreover, in a Christian relationship, aligning with one another spiritually is paramount. Amos 3:3 asks, "Do two walk together, unless they have agreed to meet?" This scripture highlights the importance of mutual commitment and direction in your spiritual and daily lives.

Revitalizing Your Connection

1. Prioritize Quality Time Together

Make intentional efforts to spend quality time together, beyond the routines of daily life. Schedule date nights, engage in new activities together, and create moments that allow you to see each other in a new light. Remember, it’s not the quantity but the quality of time you spend together that deepens your bond.

2. Engage in Spiritual Practices as a Couple

Reignite your spiritual connection by praying together, studying the Bible, and attending church services as a couple. Sharing your spiritual journey can bring a new depth to your relationship, aligning you both with God's purpose for your union.

3. Volunteer or Serve Together

Serving together in your church or community can be a powerful way to bond and experience the joy of giving. As you focus on helping others, you'll find your own relationship enriched and strengthened.

4. Communicate Openly About Your Needs

Boredom sometimes signals unmet needs or desires within the relationship. Open, honest communication is key. Share your feelings, listen to your partner, and work together to meet each other's needs more effectively.

5. Cultivate Personal Growth

Individual growth contributes significantly to the health of your relationship. Encourage one another’s dreams and personal development pursuits. As you both grow, you'll bring new energies and insights into your relationship.

6. Seek Guidance Through Prayer

In any endeavor, especially matters of the heart, prayer is powerful. Philippians 4:6-7 tells us not to be anxious but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Pray individually and as a couple for guidance, strength, and rejuvenation of your relationship.

7. Consider Counseling

Sometimes, seeking guidance from a Christian counselor can offer new perspectives and pathways to growth. Don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support if you're having difficulty navigating this season on your own.

Conclusion

Boredom, while uncomfortable, can serve as a wakeup call inviting us to reevaluate and rejuvenate our relationships. It’s an opportunity for growth, deeper understanding, and renewed passion. By acknowledging the season you are in, actively choosing to grow together, and leaning into your faith, you can transform what feels like stagnation into a springboard for a stronger, more vibrant connection.

God designed marriage and partnerships not just for companionship but for mutual edification and joy. Even Solomon, in his wisdom, recognized the beauty of companionship in Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, saying, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up." So, when you find yourself stuck in a rut, remember, through concerted effort, faith, and God’s guidance, you can breathe new life into your relationship and emerge stronger and more connected than before.

It's a quiet struggle, often hidden behind half-smiles and hollow greetings — depression. The whispers of this unseen burden travel far beyond the confines of our minds, infiltrating every part of our being, including our physical health. As Christians, we stand on the promises of God to guide us through the shadowy valleys, yet we sometimes wonder, can depression indeed make us sick? This is a question that beckons for understanding, compassion, and the wisdom of the Lord.

The Weight of Depression

The Psalmist writes in Psalms 42:11, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?" These words echo across time, resonating with many who suffer in silence. Modern research confirms that the impact of depression can transcend mental anguish to manifest in physical ailments. The mind and body are intricately woven together by God's design, and when the spirit is heavy with sorrow, the body may also bear the burden.

The Physical Symptomatology of Depression

Proverbs 17:22 tells us, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." Indeed, a spirit oppressed by depression can lead to a host of physical symptoms that compound our daily challenges. Digestive issues, headaches, chronic pain, and even heart disease have been linked to long-term depression. The stress hormones released during depressive episodes can suppress the immune system, making the body more susceptible to infections and illnesses.

Embracing God’s Promise of Healing

In the midst of this, it is vital to remember the promises God makes to us. Jeremiah 17:14 pleads, "Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." As Christians, we acknowledge that we are not immune to suffering, but we are reassured that the Lord stands with us in our darkest moments. In seeking treatment for depression, we are not exhibiting a lack of faith; rather, we are taking concrete steps towards the healing that God desires for us.

Seeking Help as a Step of Faith

James 5:14-15 encourages us, "Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise them up." We can take these verses both literally and figuratively. It is both a call to seek God's direct intervention and an encouragement to reach out for help within the body of Christ, which can include the assistance of medical professionals. Utilizing therapy, medication, or counseling alongside prayer and spiritual support can be a holistic approach to tackling the symptoms of depression.

Lifestyle Changes Inspired by Scripture

Adopting a healthier lifestyle can be one approach to mitigating the physical effects of depression. In 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, we are reminded that our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Ensuring adequate rest, nutrition, and exercise not only honors this temple but can also improve mood and reduce stress. Balancing our lifestyle with time for meditation on God's word, fellowship with believers, and personal rest can lead to a stronger, healthier state of being.

Community and Connection

Galatians 6:2 says, "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ." By sharing our struggles with trusted members of our congregation or support groups, we can alleviate the weight of depression. The understanding, companionship, and shared prayers can be a balm for both the soul and the body.

An Ever-Present Hope

As we navigate the ebbs and flows of mental health, let us not lose sight of our ever-present hope in Christ. Romans 15:13 blesses us with this assurance, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Our faith informs us that with God, there is always a path through the wilderness of depression, a path that leads to restoration and health.

Enduring Through Faith

To our brothers and sisters in Christ who wonder if depression can make you sick, the answer is yes — but this is not the end of your story. With faith as our cornerstone and our belief in a God who restores, we find the strength to seek healing in all its forms. Remember, you are never walking alone; through the darkest valley, His rod and His staff, they comfort us. Together, let us strive forward in faith, affirming that our God is greater than any affliction, and in Him, we find the ultimate comfort and cure. Amen.