“I don’t think God is very pleased with me right now.”

This was the response of a friend when I asked if he was involved in fellowship with other men at his church.  It was a strange response to a yes or no question. When I asked why, he replied “Because of the things I’ve done in the past and put my family through. I need to get right with the Lord first.”

In the language of biblical times, he felt “unclean.” Like a leper in the ancient near-east, he felt unfit for the presence of God and consequently the people of God.  He was in self-imposed exile, “o

As followers of Christ, whenever we decide that God is not pleased with us, we are in trouble. Like my friend, we may begin planning a comeback – a way to clean ourselves up before even thinking of approaching God or God’s people. Like my friend, we might end up avoiding Jesus (and real fellowship with his people) until we feel more worthy. We may hope a few good deeds and some distance between ourselves and our last big sin will merit our return.

Sound familiar? The default mode of the human heart is to believe that God’s acceptance of us is determined by our performance. We all naturally think this way. Sadly, this thinking often creeps into and even permeates the church of Jesus Christ.

We clean ourselves up, and then we can go to God. That’s the word on the street.

Jesus shocks us by speaking a radically different, and beautiful word.

“Already you are clean because of the word that I have spoken to you…I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in he, it is him who bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” (John 15:3f)

We hear Jesus use this word “clean” today and are unmoved because we no longer use it as it was used in the first century. But we should find Jesus’ pronouncement of cleanliness every bit as shocking as Jesus’ disciples must have when he spoke it. “Clean” and “unclean” had very specific and familiar meaning to any first century Jew. Their entire culture revolved around these concepts. Nothing unclean enters the presence of God. No one could approach God without being ritually cleansed and offering sacrifice first. But Jesus tells his disciples that all of that is over now. No more blood. No more washing.

“You are already clean.”

In other words, no longer can anything you do, think, say, come into contact with, or have done to you ever make you unclean and unacceptable before the Holy One. I can’t even begin to imagine a contemporary equivalent that would illustrate how countercultural this statement was to Jesus’ original audience. It would have been utterly outrageous. It still is!

This “word” refers to all of the things Jesus had just done and said with his disciples in the upper-room to teach them about his mission to rescue his people from our uncleanness – from our sin. That mission has been accomplished. We call this “word” which cleanses us “Gospel,” which means “good news.”

My friend had forgotten that the mission was already accomplished. He was believing the lie that before he could turn to Jesus (abide), he had to cleanse himself.  He didn’t think in the categories of “clean” or “unclean.”  Instead, like many of us, he instinctually felt a need to show he had some skin in the game, to straighten up and fly right, so that he could feel spiritually confident. He was believing that he could produce fruit on his own, apart from Jesus. As a result he was exhausted, defeated, isolated, burdened, shamed – joyless. And that’s what happens to all of us when we forget the Gospel, the good news that the work required to cleanse and restore us to fellowship with the Father was accomplished perfectly and for all time by Jesus. We begin to hide from Jesus and become like a branch cut away from its vine.

Jesus knew we would think this way. Isn’t it unspeakably precious to hear him say, “you are already clean?”

If you are in Christ, no matter what you are struggling with today or from your past that makes you feel unclean, don’t avoid Jesus. Hear and believe the word that Jesus speaks to you - you are already clean.  Run to him and abide in him! Apart from him, we can do nothing.

David Tolbert

In the movie Star Wars, evil terrorists from the dark side disintegrated princess Leah’s home planet. Obi Wan Kenobi sensed that something horrible had happened when he said, “There has been a great disturbance in the force as if millions of voices were crying out in terror and suddenly silenced.”
 
When tragedy strikes, when the unthinkable happens, when the incomprehensible becomes reality, where is God? In a country where some have been more concerned about the separation of church and state, we quickly find ourselves not being concerned about separating a nation from religion. We find ourselves concerned about a nation that must have religion that leads to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
 
With the recent shooting at Purdue, as well as, another shooting at a Mall, some find themselves with a daunting feeling about why…what were they thinking…Where is God in our crisis, and why do bad things happen to good and innocent people?

1. We live in a fallen, sinful world where bad people act like bad people

“But from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die." Genesis 2:17 (NASB-U)
 
 “It was through one man that sin came into the world, and through sin death, and thus death has spread through the whole human race because everyone has sinned.” Romans 5:12 (NJB)

• God is not preserving the earth to give people a safe place, He is offering salvation to the people of this world in order to find safety and shelter in the arms of the Almighty

• This earth is not our final destination; at best this is a sinking ship. That is why God sent Jesus into our world, so that the world through HIM could be saved.

2. Good people sometimes do bad things

• Noah
• Moses
• David

3. God can bring blessing out of tragic circumstances

  - The story of Job
           
“The Lord's unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. 
            The Lord is all I have, and so in him I put my hope.
            The Lord is good to everyone who trusts in him, 
So it is best for us to wait in patience—to wait for him to save us— Lamenations. 3:22-26 (TEV)

4. Crisis helps to take our focus off the temporal and focus on the reality of eternity

“God's Spirit makes us sure that we are his children. His Spirit lets us know that together with Christ we will be given what God has promised. We will also share in the glory of Christ, because we have suffered with him.”
 Romans 8:16-17 (CEV)
 
 “But this precious treasure--this light and power that now shine within us --is held in a perishable container, that is, in our weak bodies. Everyone can see that the glorious power within must be from God and is not our own. 
 
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don't know why things happen as they do, but we don't give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. These bodies of ours are constantly facing death just as Jesus did; so it is clear to all that it is only the living Christ within [who keeps us safe].” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10 (Living Bible)

Life can get messy at times. This is true of marriages as well. Though we often think of “messy” as a bad thing, it is often a reflection of reality. From the very beginning, things were messed up pretty quick. I call it the “Genesis Factor.” Not only was there the “passing of the fruit,” it was not long until the brothers were at odds too.

Too often, we want to give up on the messiness of our marriages because we think messiness is a bad thing, but in reality, it is a reflection of our imperfections, which does not indicate unhealthiness. Marital health is not determined by a lack of messiness but how the mess is managed.

What are the characteristics of a messy marriage?

1. Anything where humans are involved

If you are involved, it is going to be messy. This does not mean we give up on working out differences or justifying dysfunctional behavior. It does mean that we have or will develop a system of communication and both agree to and will be held accountable to.

2. The lack of perfection

If you are looking for the perfect marriage you will, at some point, be awakened to a sobering reality. You did not marry perfection and neither did they. Sometimes we focus so much on the imperfection of the other that it is all we see. Look for the good, anticipate inconsistencies, and embrace the imperfections as opportunities to love, learn, and grow together.

3. Working together not imposing against

If you think you are the boss, you have already taken a step in the wrong direction. Jesus’ model was that of servanthood. Working together is about how you can serve the other. When both work together from this perspective, both feel served, loved, and appreciated

4. Committed to a process

If you think doing it right only once takes care of things, you need to think again. Growing a marriage takes work, and it is the lack of understanding this where most couples become disillusioned (wondering if they had made the right decision).

Often, I compare this to a garden. A lot of effort goes into the preparation of the soil and planting the seeds. It seems like more effort is put into the preparation of a wedding than the cultivation of the marital garden afterwards. As in a garden, you can prepare things perfectly and plant the highest quality seeds, but if you do not take care of your garden afterwards, weeds and various bugs and insects can devour all your efforts. Some couples will often say, “We have just grown apart.” What has happened in many cases is that weeds have choked out the life of the marital plants that were to bear fruit and nutrition to the marriage. Weed your garden, or someone else will weed it for you!

A boundary is each person’s personal “property line.”  It defines who they are, where they end, and where others begin. Boundaries are a way to describe a person’s sphere of responsibility. What a person is in control of – themselves.

Boundaries help people determine their property lines, keeping things out and letting things in.  Boundaries are not walls, they are flexible.  Being able to let the good in is important.  Some people struggle as they have trouble letting in compliments.

Examples of Boundaries

• Skin. Skin covers bones and protects the inside of bodies (letting the good in – food; letting the bad out – waste products).  Victims of physical and sexual abuse often have poor boundaries.  Their mind, body and spirit were violated.
• Words. “No”…Children start saying “No” in their two’s and three’s.  Parents don’t always like it, but it’s important for them to define what is “Yes” and what is “No.”  When someone hasn’t learned to say “No,” they lose a sense of boundaries for their words.
• Truth. Individuals being able to speak their truth is called a boundary.  “I believe I am loved” is a truth for many.  Each individual knowing the truth about themselves is important for healthy relationships.  Being authentic (silly, quiet, loud, Type A, shy, etc.) is an example of a personal truth.
• Geographical Distance. For some, removing themselves from danger or abusive situations may be the right choice, even if it’s removing themselves from family.  Choosing healthy relationships indicates high self-esteem.
• Time. Taking time off from a person or situation may be healthy to take back an out-of-control aspect of a person’s life.  Taking time to build healthy boundaries and creating new ways of relating is healthy.
• Emotional Distance. This may be a temporary boundary some may choose to heal their heart, if they’ve felt unsafe or hurt/abused.  To take some distance can clear heads to make more conscious decisions, rather than making emotional decisions.
• Other People. Support groups are very helpful in terms of learning and creating new boundaries.  Other people can help those who feel boundary-less to be strong enough, at times, to set boundaries.  Many feel guilty when we first start setting boundaries.
•  Consequences. Consequences enforce boundaries. They signal the seriousness and importance of boundaries. Each person decides to protect their boundaries for their own sanity and health and determine consequences if the boundary is not valued.

Common Boundary Myths

• Setting boundaries is selfish. (It’s healthy to set boundaries with others. It speaks to the fact that the individual is self-aware and assertive.)
• Boundaries are a sign of disobedience (Being congruent with self helps increase self-esteem.)
• Setting boundaries will cause hurt for the individual setting the boundary and for others. (Most people appreciate other people’s boundaries and respect their decisions.)
• Boundaries indicate that the person is mean or angry. Boundaries actually decrease anger.
• Boundaries cause feelings of guilt Initially, this may be true, but as individual’s learn the importance of being true to themselves, the guilt will subside.
• Boundaries are permanent, and will burn bridges. Boundaries can always be changed, if need be. If someone decides not to have a relationship with the boundary-setting person, it indicates their inability to respect the other.

Boundary Problems

Compliant people struggle with saying “No.” Being able to say, “I don’t agree,” “I don’t like that,” “It hurts,” “Stop,” “I won’t do that,” is healthy.  Guilt seems to be the biggest problem for most people, so instead of speaking their truth about their real feelings, they give in to the guilt.

The following are descriptions of the type of people who struggle with boundaries:

1. Avoidants. To avoid confrontation or uncomfortable situations, some people tend to avoid the situation. Avoiding doesn’t mean the problem will go away it just means they are at the mercy of the other person.
2. Controllers. These people do not respect others’ boundaries. Demanding and controlling people ruin lives. Some controlling people are aggressive and/or manipulative.
3. Non-responsives. These people don’t hear the needs of others which causes disconnection with other people. This may also be defined as neglect.

 Take Responsibility and Take Life Back

1. Feelings. Paying attention to feelings (sometimes the gut Indicates what boundary needs to be set) is a good barometer for what is right and wrong for each person.
2. Attitudes and Beliefs. A person’s attitudes have to do with the stance someone takes towards others and/or things.   Beliefs are those ideas that people hold dear, however, some beliefs aren’t always very evident.  Each person needs to take responsibility for their attitudes and beliefs.  Many people with boundary problems have distorted attitudes about responsibility.
3. Behaviors. Behaviors have consequences.  Children need consequences to be clear about the boundaries and who is in charge.  Parenting with love and limits gives children a sense of safety and produce children who have control over their own lives.
4. Choices. Each individual is responsible for their choices. Setting boundaries involves taking responsibility for choices.
5. Values. What value each person places on people and things is each person’s responsibility.  One person may value something (such as money) and another person may value something else (relationships).
6. Limits. Individuals can’t limit other people, but they can limit their time spent with others.  Limits are also important for self-control. Individuals need to say “No” to themselves from time to time.
7. Talents. Each individual has gifts and talents and they are important. Expressing and experiencing these gifts are important for a good sense of self.
8. Thoughts. Establishing boundaries in thinking involves three things:  (1) Each person must own their own thoughts.  Many people become chameleons and start thinking and believing like the people around them.  (2) Healthy thoughts need to be expanded.  Studying and learning is a life-long process.  (3)  Think about and clarify distorted thinking.  For example, “All men are mean,” is distorted thinking.
9. Desires. Considering what desires are important is essential for everyone.  Follow those desires, when appropriate.
10. Love. Giving and receiving love can be difficult for many, especially if they love a person who is emotionally unhealthy.  Define love in a healthy way and seek that in life.

How To Set Boundaries?

• Being emotionally present and clear while concerned about how the other person feels is important.  Be in a conversation, not a lecture – listen as well as speak.  Be warm, not confrontational or angry.
• Connect even with differences. Be present even if the other person gets resistant or angry.  Don’t back away from anger, unless it’s abusive.
• Discomfort vs. injury. Be aware of the discomfort (this is normal), and be careful of injury or taking in the injury from others.
• Observe personal body language and how that speaks non-verbally to the other person.
• Be clear about “You” and “I.”
• “This is what I want.” Be clear and concise.  Talk about you, not the other person and what they’re doing or not doing.  Speak from your own need.  If you struggle with fear of the other leaving, deal with those issues first from a professional. Being clear about who you are can take some investigation.
• Clarify the problem. Be clear in your own mind first.
• Use the formula, “When you do ________, I feel ________, I wish you would do ________.
• Avoid the statement, “You make me feel…”
• Affirm and validate the people you confront so that they know they are valued.
• Apologize for your part of the problem.
• Avoid “shoulds” (this shames and controls).
• Be specific about what you want/need.
• Differentiate between forgiving and trusting

Resources

1. Cloud, Henry, Ph.D., Townsend, John, Ph.D. (1992).  Boundaries:When to say YES, when to say NO to take control of your life. Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, MI.
2. Cloud, Henry, Ph.D., Townsend, John, Ph.D. (2003).  Boundaries Face to Face: How to have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding.  Zondervan, Grand Rapids, MI.

 Peg Roberts, MA, LMFT

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, and in healthy marriages, it is. Healthy couples understand that a marriage has its ups and downs, but they always work together to try and resolve their problems.

It can be a very lonely experience to be the only partner who is willing to work on your marriage. Perhaps this is the situation you have found yourself in, and you’re not sure what to do about it. If so, I would like to help you.

As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor, I have helped many couples who were facing similar circumstances in their marriages. Perhaps some of these scenarios fit your marriage.

YOUR SPOUSE REFUSES TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON GOOD INTENTIONS

When your spouse doesn’t follow through on good intentions, it can be very frustrating. Perhaps you’ve recently had a conversation about the importance of saving money for a down payment on a house, but he or she keeps spending money frivolously. Or, perhaps you have talked about a need to make some changes in the way you approach disciplining your kids. Your spouse has promised to stand firm with you on your decisions, but he or she keeps on going against you. These are very real problems, and they can hurt your marriage in more ways than one.

YOUR SPOUSE CONSTANTLY CHANGES PLANS OR BREAKS PROMISES

Has it been a long time since your spouse has kept a promise? Broken promises are common in troubled marriages, and again, this can take many forms. Maybe your spouse keeps putting off your anniversary dinner celebration because of problems at work. Or, perhaps spending time with his or her friends constantly takes priority over spending time with you and your family. While you can’t expect that your spouse will never break a promise to you, when it becomes a pattern, it’s a real problem that needs to be addressed and resolved.

 YOUR SPOUSE REFUSES COUNSELING

When you suggest counseling to your spouse, what is his or her response? It’s common for many married couples to have one partner who resists counseling. That spouse probably feels like there really aren’t any major problems in the marriage, and they don’t see a need to make any changes. If you have mentioned counseling to your spouse and you’ve been met with resistance, it’s perfectly fine for you to seek out counseling on your own. In fact, as a Christian Marriage Coach, I have worked with many individuals who had a strong desire to work on their marriages, but without the support of their spouses. It’s beneficial, even if it’s only you who talks with a counselor.

Carol Erb

Rejection — really the fear of rejection — is nearly universal. It is as irrational as it is pervasive. You are probably fearful of what people think about you. If the fear isn’t registering, all smug in your cozy cubicle office, try this. Pretend I’m your boss and I just sent you an email scheduling you to give a 30 minute presentation to a hundred of your peers one hour from now. It’s Mayhem! Has anyone died from rejection? This might kill you. It won’t, but you would rather die.

Fear of rejection begins with simple discomforting thoughts. ‘They might laugh at me’ or ‘I might mess up.’ In milliseconds the thought grows into a viral panic that reduces you to a stammering idiot. It takes your breath away, opens your sweat glands, disrupts digestion and makes you puke your guts. Then the most devastating tragedy. Fear of failure insulates you. You can’t feel anything at all. You can’t imagine doing anything significant, creative or daring. You cling to breath. You are soggy and heavy and whiny and ineffective. You retreat from taking any risks and hide in the status quo. You swear never again to volunteer for a challenging assignment.

Consider this. Maybe your fear is lying to you? What if things other people say about you is not all that powerful? What if you realize that they are not really saying anything critical anyway. What if you realize that you are the one shaking in your boots. You now realize that you are afraid of what they might say, not what they actually say. It’s your fear.

If it’s a lie, then you can face your fear. Walk toward the discomfort. See people not as threats of annihilation but as potential objects of your talented help. If they criticize, assume they will be filled with helpful suggestions. You find that you are overreacting. Even the worst critic is not in the same league as the devastating death spiral you are imagining.

As I write this short blog I feel the discomfort of the fear of rejection. I want to quit. I hear what you could be saying as you read. I think of the indefensible objections you will write in the ‘Reply’ below. I feel myself limp and lifeless as you point out my mistakes. I anticipate your paralyzing potential criticism. Worst of all I dread the slow, tortuous death of being ignored.

But this time I triumph. I ignore the fear of failure. I resist. I endure the discomfort. I do not listen to my fear of rejection. I write on. I ignore what you might think or write. I courageously open myself to your criticism. And yet, I live. I shall not taste death by blog critics.

Now it’s your turn. I offer you a bit of hope and freedom for your creative inner life.  I dare you to open your mouth. Tell me what you really think. Reply with critical wrath. Spare not your words. Shout the truth in all caps. Proclaim to the world what you really care about. Write your own blog. Tell your own story. Bring your own perspective.

I may criticize you right back. But it won’t kill you.

William Oldham

How do you motivate yourself to do something, to make a change, to get out of bed in the morning?
Motivation is not mysterious; in fact, serious research has been conducted to determine how people are motivated. In broadest terms, we use positive and negative motivations strategies.
Negative Motivations Strategies usually involve fear of dire consequences. The alarm goes off and it’s time to get up. But the bed is so soft and I’m so cozy. Then a picture of me arriving late to my appointment goes through my head. But the covers feel so good. Then a picture comes of the person being disappointed and angry comes. But I’m still comfortable. Finally, a picture of the person firing me and reporting me to a disciplinary board blasts the comfort away and springs me from bed. A Negative Motivation Strategy has worked to get me going. But the price is high. Most forms of disciplinary action or punishment are negative motivation strategies. For example, yelling at an employee or a child or a spouse in order to get them to do something. It may work, but usually at a price-anger, resentment, or passive-aggressive behavior may result.
Positive Motivation Strategies encourgage rather than punish, support rather than threaten. Positive moitvation of self or others can take three appoaches:

show or explain how the choice supports autonomy or self-direction.
show or explain how the choice helps develop mastery or skill-development in a desired area
show or explain how the choice connects with a sense of meaning or purpose for that person.
Autonomy relates to what a person wants or desires for him/herself; mastery relates to a person’s wish to become or more skilled in an area; meaning or purpose addresses self-perceived values or meanings, such as teamwork, a sense of community, being a good person, supporting connection with the source of ones spirituality.
When you are trying to motivate someone – including yourself – try to find ways to support and encourage, rather than ways that punish and threaten.

Say things like:

“I know that you want to be more independent and self-reliant. I want to feel reassured that you will be responsible and safe. How can we both get what we want?”
“Here’s something I want you to take on so that you can learn more managerial skills and behaviors.”
“As a team player and valued member of our organization, you help us out if you will take this task on.”

Positive motivation promotes relaxation, creativity, and a healthy, happy environment for all.

Will Hutchens

Remaining in a committed relationship as a Christian couple is not supposed to be a simple task. Relationships force us to grow and accept new challenges, and that often requires us to handle a healthy amount of conflict, especially when children are involved.

Wholly Ignited has worked with couples from all backgrounds to help them build a faith in their own relationship based upon spiritual values. Contrary to what many of our readers may have believed growing up, seeking out marital counseling is completely normal and often leads to a deeper enjoyment of the marriage for both man and wife. It is not a weak person who seeks counsel, but a wise person. It is very liberating to admit you don’t have it all together!

Without proper guidance, it’s easy for humans to be led astray, even when they feel they may be heeding the will of God. This article published by Charisma News even discusses a number of ways that Christians can rationalize such a poor decision as divorce by misinterpreting their spiritual faith.

Some facing marital strife argue that they were too young when they made the decision to marry. Although marriage is an important point in a person’s adulthood, it is one more step in a person’s overall maturity and does not instantly mean that a person is an adult. Often, a husband and wife learn what it means to be an adult through their relationship. At any age, marriage is the most challenging relationship we will ever have, and also the most rewarding and fulfilling when we honor each other by becoming less selfish over time.

Similarly, it doesn’t make sense to leave a relationship because arguments have increased. That may be a sign that you both need to work on your communication skills, and it’s not a problem that would simply go away with a different spouse. Remember, wherever you go…you take yourself along, with all your baggage! Some people cite family issues, but it’s a person’s responsibility to leave their parents and enter into a relationship with their spouse; parental judgments should not be a major part of your relationship. Your “inner circle,” which consists onlyof a husband and wife, must be protected from all other relationships.

It’s important to make yourself aware of the wrong reasons to consider splitting with your spouse. 

Mack Harris

Marriage is perhaps the biggest step a couple can take forward, so it’s understandable that a great deal of anxiety would be incorporated into this decision. Here at Wholly Ignited, we typically see a great number of Christian couples who are wondering if they’re ready to move forward into marriage.

Many couples debate the merits of cohabitation prior to the wedding. To them, it makes sense that a trial period of living together as a couple will help them identify any larger issues they should address before marriage. However, as this article published by Patheos discusses, there are plenty of reasons why couples should think twice about this living situation.

As the writer points out, the act of marriage creates a starting point from which both parties in a couple can build trust in each other. Without this promise of fidelity, it becomes much easier for one person in a couple to be swayed by forces outside of the relationship. The trust of marriage is what begets commitment to each other.

It also becomes very easy to take the relationship for granted. Living in the physical intimacy of a significant other without the spiritual or emotional commitment of marriage is somewhat like trying to have your cake and eat it too. Physical gratification within the marriage involves a completely different level of commitment that will never truly be there in cohabiting, unmarried couples.

Marriage may be a profession of love, but the commitment of the relationship is something that both parties will have to work on together throughout their lives. As the writer of the above article points out, just as baptism is an affirmation of salvation, but a salvation which the baptized individual must work towards, marriage affirms love but sustaining peace and harmony in the relationship takes work. If you feel ready to live with your significant other, then you should think about whether it might be time to consider taking the steps towards marriage

Mack Harris

Dr. Brene Brown says trust is like a “marble jar”.  We put marbles in when people treat us in ways that are trust promoting, such as keeping their commitments, and we take marbles out when they do things that are trust diminishing such as lying to us or being manipulative.  When the marble jar is full, “that’s what trust looks like”.

I like this analogy because it serves as a reminder that trust builds over time, with little gestures.  It also allows for forgiveness, for the eb and flow of authentic relationships.

If you were to ask me why I trust my closest friends, my natural response would be, “I don’t know, I just do”.  When I really think about it, however, I land on small moments and responses over the course of years.  Mainly what comes to mind is the way people choose to listen to me with compassion, offer their concern without judgment, or check-in on me and follow through when they know I am struggling.

I also remember trust breaking moments, like the time my cousin told a kid in my grade that when I was younger I wanted to grow up to be a “nerd”, and he told his friends until an entire group of boys was following me around calling me “nerd” repeatedly.  While I was able to repair trust with my cousin, it definitely took increased time and a period of hesitancy on my part.

Over time, I have learned with whom it is safe to trust the most vulnerable parts of myself (who I trust to stand by me with empathy) and with whom I choose to be more careful.  Upon further reflection, I realize that I have also learned the ways I am at risk for losing trust with myself and what I need to do in order to repair my self-belief.

So, I wonder: what creates trust for you?  What are marble adding or marble subtracting actions or behaviors for you?  Who are your marble jar friends?  And perhaps most importantly, how do you become a marble jar companion to yourself?

Companionship and belonging are significant aspects of what it means to be human. Opening ourselves up and giving ourselves permission to trust the people in our life who are worthy of it, is imperative to our ability to feel both safe and connected.

Additionally, being able to trust ourselves is fundamental to our capacity to be alone with ourselves in positive and life-affirming ways.

Deeper connection to faith:

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “A positive religious faith does not offer an illusion that we shall be exempt from pain and suffering, nor does it imbue us with the idea that life is a drama of unalloyed comfort and untroubled ease.  Rather it instills us with the inner equilibrium needed to face strains, burdens, and fears that inevitably come and assures us that the universe is trustworthy and God is concerned”. 

How does your faith or belief system help you to trust in the Universe and God?   If your trust in the Universe and God gets strained, how do you work to rebuild again?

Listening is a key to communication. That is so easy to say yet sometimes so hard to do.

In my counseling practice I find it is far too easy for couples to shut off listening to one another and only concentrate on what they are going to say next.

• One Upmanship

The only communication getting done is a game of one upmanship. Talking together becomes a competition to see who can get in the best “zinger”. Communications for couples becomes a game of win and lose. Both partners are only interested in scoring the most points or causing the most injury.

Neither spouse takes the time to listen, nor in the end to understand the other’s position, feelings or concerns.

• Wasted Words and Energy

A lot of words are exchanged, a lot of energy wasted and only frustration occurs.

So someone in the middle of any discussion has to take the time to listen, really listen to what the other person has to say.

• The Point is…

The point of good communication is the knowledge that what you have said is accepted and understood by the other person.

Too often we come away from conversations knowing that the other person just didn’t get it and probably never will.

So we go through life never trusting that we will be understood or taken seriously by that other person. If we talk to that person we do not expect anything meaningful to occur.

• The Saddest Place…

The saddest place this can and does occur is within a marriage. Couples go a life time without hearing or being heard.

• Need for Deeper Understanding

We need to have a deep understanding of another’s feelings and experiences. Psychologist Carl Rodgers calls this empathetic understanding. To stand in another person’s shoes and really understand what they are trying to convey.

In the next blog I will show you how I work with couples to open lines of communication.

Frank Walker LMFT

Stress is defined as a physical, chemical or emotional factor that causes bodily or mental tension and also may contribute to disease. The most common currently accepted definition of stress is a sensation that is experienced when a person perceives that “demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize”.

We can’t always avoid stress, as it is a part of life. However, we can neutralize stress by implementing some positive principles.
This article will give you some techniques to equip you with effective coping mechanisms for dealing with work related stress.

1. Know Who You Are – Understand your strengths and weakness as they relate to the job that you are employed to do. More likely than not, if you are in a job where you get energized when you go to work every day, than you are probably going to perform better than if you are in a job that does not fit your skill and personality set.
2. Develop a teachable and cooperative attitude in the workplace – You will experience a lot less stress if you go into work with a positive mindset that you are going to express a positive outlook and attitude throughout the day.
3. Avoid office gossip – Develop a reputation for getting things done, not talking about employees. Focus on your priorities so that you focus on the most important job to do. Initiate doing more than just your fair share. You will be surprised as to who is watching your performance!
4. Develop healthy boundaries in the workplace. This means that you keep your personal problems and challenges out of the work place. Spending a lot of time on your cell phone, emailing to personal friends, or talking to family members or co workers during company time causes a company’s productivity to decline. In these difficult economic times, when companies have to engage in layoffs, they will look at how productive you have been and what you have been contributing to their organization as they make their decisions.

There's the obvious sign. You're already not having sex. Duh! But even before you stop having sex, there are indications that you could wind up needing some nookie. If you and your spouse have opposite shifts at work, you could end up unable to be home at the same time to have sex, warns Johnson. Another factor is if couples quit having fun together. So, if you haven't been on a date with your husband or wife in forever, you might want to rethink that. Finally, if you are feeling pent-up resentment because, say, you are one of those wives doing the "second shift" or you're the husband of one of those women, then you could be headed for a life without sex.

Get out and have fun.

There are a million reasons why you and your spouse should stay home. You need the rest, you need to put out the garbage, you need to tend to your children. But there's one reason to go out that squashes all these other reasons and that is for the two of you to stay together. Having a date night is good for your children. Did you know that? "Kids know when mom and dad are miserable with each other, and it creates fear, insecurity, and often self-blame in children when they are worried about their parents," writes Johnson. Rather than feeling guilty about leaving the little ones at home with a sitter, realize that this is important for them, too. Now, go and have a good time. It's your duty as a married person.

Schedule sex.

This advice has come up a million times on this site and others. And it should come up a million times more. Some people get offended when relationship experts suggest they schedule sex. Isn't making love supposed to be spontaneous and passionate, the kind of experience where the two of you just can't keep your hands off each other? Yes, if you live in a romance novel. Since most of us live in reality, we have to schedule sex - and not feel badly about it. You schedule everything else, so sex shouldn't be any different. "We can't afford to cross our fingers and hope that the stars align so that our relationship and sex life remain intact; we have to do the work to make it a priority," writes Johnson. "Besides, scheduled sex is helpful for the relationship, and particularly for women, as it allows them to mentally focus on having sex that day, and increases anticipation and ultimately the sexual experience."

Dr Tabitha Johnson

The Bible, in Proverbs 17:22 (AMP), says “A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones”.  When it comes to good mental health and emotional well-being, happiness is like an anecdote of medicine.  We can glean, from this scripture, that humor and laughter fosters a happy heart and has holistic benefits.  That is to say that it is good for our physical, mental/emotional and spiritual health.  God, in His infinite wisdom, created us with the ability to recognize when something is funny and laugh. There are more than 40 references to laughter in the Bible, so God must have a sense of humor and want us to laugh too.  God ordained laughter and joy just as He did tears and sorrow, fun and seriousness (cf. Job 8:21). Laughter is a universal language.  Everyone needs to enjoy a good laugh now and then!  The Bible teaches us the blessedness of mourning and cautions us against using humor inappropriately (cf. Matthew 5:4, Psalm 34:18, Jeremiah 31:13, Ecclesiastes 7:3, Ephesians 5:4), but Christians should also laugh.  There is a place for humor in the body of Christ.  Faith and humor is not incompatible.  Jesus even appreciated humor and perhaps laughed with the children (cf. Matthew 19:14).  He also often used sarcasm, puns, enigmas and paradoxes that may be sometimes be perceived as humorous.

Did you know?

• The average child laughs an average of 150 times a day (University of Michigan Researchers)
• Children “belly laugh” one time every 7.5 minutes (American Association of Christian Counselors)
• The average adult only laughs an average of 15 times a day (Unknown Source).

Laughter is Medicine for Your Soul 

The outward expression of a happy heart is laughing and smiling!  Laughter is heart medicine.  It is interesting that the word ‘medicine’, as used in Proverbs 17:22, means removal of a bandage or healing of a wound.  Laughter is definitely good medicine for the soul (mind, will and emotions). The heart is said to be the ‘seat of the soul’.  If there is something wrong with your soul, it will affect your physical and spiritual health as well.  A study, done by Johns Hopkins University, revealed that laughter also increases memory and learning.  Increase in memory and learning leads to increased test scores for students, improved performance for employees, and fosters successful accomplishments and achievements in other areas of life.  It is a documented fact that laughter relieves stress, improves one’s mood, and eases one’s anxieties and fears.

Laughter alone might not heal a person, but jovial laughing sure is like medicine that makes one feel better.  Have you ever heard the saying, ‘laughing is contagious’?  Even if you see or hear people laughing at a joke you didn’t hear, chances are you will smile or laugh too.  According to a recent study, the brain responds to the sound of laughter and preps the muscles in the face to join in the merriment.

There is Healing Power in Your Laughter

The inward expression of a happy heart is physical, mental and emotional well-being.  God created us, in His image, as a triune being (mind, body and spirit).  If one of these areas is hurting, and in need of healing, it affects your entire person.  Over the years, doctors and health care professionals have reported many benefits to laughter.  Research, conducted by the Department of Behavioral Medicine at the UCLA Medical School found that the diaphragm, thorax, abdomen, heart, lungs and even the liver are given a massage during a hearty laugh.

Laughter causes the release of endorphins, a chemical in the body that relieves pain, and creates a sense of overall well-being (Dr. Lee Bark). Here are some other benefits to our holistic health:

Physical Health:  Laughter increases antibodies and strengthens your immune system; gives a workout to your diaphragm; lowers your blood pressure; relaxes your muscles; stimulates your heart and improve circulatory and cardiovascular condition; enhances blood flow to the heart and brain; helps you to lose weight by burning one calorie per minute; reduces pain and increases pain tolerance.

Mental/Emotional Health: Laughter is a natural anti-depressant, decreases hormone stress levels, alleviates tension, improves one’s mood, eases anxieties and fears, and enhances coping skills;cheerfulness materially changes brain chemistry helping to enhance mental health and ease one’s mind.

Spiritual Health: Laughter and happiness expresses our joy in the Lord and glorifies Him, strengthens our relationships, keeps us united in the love of God, heals and replenishes our spirit, diffuses interpersonal conflict, and sweetens our fellowship. “Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing.  Then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them (Psalm 126:2 NKJV).”

Don’t let anything crush your spirit. Don’t let the devil steal your joy.  Rejoice in the Lord! Laugh Out Loud (LOL)!

Dr Linda H King

1. Rely on the virtues of Faith, Hope and Charity to guide you.
2. Minimize emotional impact by utilizing faith based professionals.
3. Encourage accepting responsibility for healing and forgiveness.
4. Renegotiate relationship from spouse to co-parent.
5. Promote parenting to benefit the children.
6. Nurture family relationships.
7. Diffuse conflict.
8. Implement your future one step at a time.
9. Build your destiny.
10. Utilize a team supporting all aspects of your life; legal, emotional, financial and spirtual.

Danette Perry

Paul says in Philippians 3:13-14,

“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Do you ever struggle with wondering what should you do with past events or circumstances that you have experienced in your life?

Have you ever tried to simply “forget” those memories, or tried your hardest to distract yourself from the memory of those situations in order to move on with your life?

I’ve talked with lots of people who’ve tried their hardest to “forget” memories of the past.  Sometimes it works for a while to distract ourselves from the thought of those things, or to stop ourselves with a strong reminder that we are no longer allowing ourselves to remember certain things.  Oftentimes we use what are called “defenses” (rationalization, humorization, etc.) to help ourselves to not think of those things that we don’t want to focus on.  But those defenses can only work so well or so long, sometimes; and then the unresolved thoughts and feelings from the old memory may come back to bother us directly or disguise themselves in the form of symptoms of depression or anxiety.

So, how are we to apply what Paul is saying in the above verse to our lives?

According to the dictionary, “forget” can also be defined as: “to omit mentioning, to take no note of.”   In my experience, it can definitely be helpful when a person can reach a place of being able to choose not to discuss or dwell on a troubling experience from the past once a person has processed the feelings and thoughts related to the memory and then given it up to God.  We can sometimes talk about, cry about, think about a situation for years and years and never move on with our lives.  When we get stuck like that, I think it is important to seek out some counsel from someone who can help us realize what we’re doing and once and for all make a decision to place that situation into the Lord’s hands and choose to “forget” about it, or “omit mentioning” it.

I do think it’s important though, to first give ourselves the opportunity to validate and respect our thoughts and feelings related to the memory of whatever troubling situation we have experienced; and then it is equally important to work towards finding a way to entrust that situation into the Lord’s care and to do what we need to do to keep that situation in the Lord’s care rather than burdening ourselves down by daily picking it back up and thinking about it all over again.

It is when we are finally able to rest the situation into the Lord’s hands that we can then “press on toward the goal for which God has called me.” Paul is right that it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to press on towards the goal while burdening ourselves down with memories from the past clouding our minds.

Is something from the past keeping you from pressing forward in your life?

Are you ready to explore whatever may be holding you back, and give it to God so that you can move forward with your life in Him?

I've been wanting to write about the cost of divorce for quite a while because I think that people often see the price of couples counseling and decide that it's not worth it.  So let's take a look.
Based on currently advertised prices of DIY divorce kits available online and court filing fees in Texas, the cost of an uncontested divorce is somewhere between $700 and $1100.  Uncontested means that both parties are agreeing to divorce, and agree on how assets should be split and how custody will be handled (if applicable).  

Often these couples are able to be friendly to each other, but have lost the emotional attachment to each other or have experienced a loss or betrayal that feels insurmountable.   In my personal opinion, low cost divorce really does a disservice to people who are conflict avoidant because rather than having a strong incentive to stay and work things out, it's easier to just follow the base instinct to run away.  The sad reality is that for these couples counseling is often more expensive than divorce but might really be worth the effort as people have a tendency to recreate the same types of relationships until they address the issues underlying the desire to run away.

Contested divorces on the other hand can be very costly.  I looked at several online resources that provide divorce estimations.  My favorite ishttp://www.divorcemag.com/articles/Financial_Planning/divorce_cost.html because it provides a very thorough breakdown of attorney and accountant fees for the various stages of a contested divorce.  The average costs listed on that site are $8,187-$132,600.  

Ouch!  And those are just the costs associated with the divorce itself.  That does not account for the added cost of an additional residence, the travel back and forth if there is shared custody of children, the loss of retirement savings if the funds are split as part of the divorce settlement.  Add to that the distress that children often feel because they implicitly believe that they need to choose one parent over the other, the dilemmas over which parent to invite to special occasions, the increased liklihood that your children and grandchildren will have failed marriages, etc.

Like a contested divorce, couples counseling costs vary depending on the severity of conflict and the number of issues being addressed.  The average cost of couples counseling is between $3,000 and $5,000 (this is the out-of-pocket price; sliding scales, insurance coverage, and other discount opportunities can significantly change these numbers).

Couples counseling is often seen as a last resort to saving a marriage, but it can be much more than that and in fact saving the marriage is not even necessarily a primary goal.   In general, these are the basic goals in couples counseling:
1.  Rebuilding emotional connection
2.  Rebuilding/strengthening the friendship system
3.  Reducing emotional reactivity
4.  Improving communication skills - including compromise

How many divorced couples do you know who are still angry and bitter towards their ex?  How many divorced couples do you know who use their children as weapons to get back at their ex?  Is that who you want to be?

Maybe the marriage is not salvagable, but wouldn't it be nice to be able to not carry around resentment and anger?  Wouldn't it be nice to be able to co-parent without screaming at each other?  And if you do end up divorcing, wouldn't it be nice to cut that bill down as much as possible by coming to agreements before introducing lawyers to the situation?

The choice is yours.

Bit off more than you could chew?

Join the club that happens to us now and again, but unlike this friend of ours the cow we don't sit down and chew our cud and contemplate what to do.  Most likely we are feeling anxious, out-of-sorts and worried, kind of like our friend the lioness here:

When we get to this point we feel stuck and Overwhelmed.  Here are some ideas to help you "unstick yourself".

• Get a pad and pencil or use your computer.

• Write down everything that you are overwhelmed about (at this point it might be everything, that is fine, write it all down).

• Take a break......whatever you want to help clear your head! Meditate, run, do yoga, clean etc.

• Go back and look at what you wrote, add any details to the situations that you are overwhelmed about, get very detailed it helps!

• Take a break............

• Go back and look again at each situation and write down what is in your control, leave the rest.

• Begin with the easiest  situation, look at what is in your control and problem solve it, you may need to do this several times but that is ok....fine tuning is our friend.

• Once you have solved it, Congratulate yourself, affirm your accomplishment, this puts it into your long term memory banks which helps you feel confident and you can problem solve again.

Looking at what is overwhelming gives us back our power to solve what is in our control, leading to less or no anxiety, and a "can do attitude".

Cheryl Short

How to Talk to Your Daughter About an Eating Disorder

If you have a daughter who you suspect might be struggling with an eating disorder, it’s hard to know where to start the conversation. It can feel as if you’re walking on eggshells—on one hand you want to address the problem, and on the other, you fear that you could say the wrong thing and exacerbate it.

Nothing hurts worse than seeing your child suffer, regardless of her age. Most parents would do or give anything to help their child recover from an eating disorder.

It is important to remember that bringing up the subject of an eating disorder with a person who is suffering from one can be a tremendous help. It plants the seed about your concern for what she is doing and brings her focus to the issue. Even though it may be difficult, saying something is better than ignoring a dangerous and painful behavior.

This tip page is designed to guide you through the process of discussing your concerns with your daughter. One day, when she is recovered and healthy once again, she will thank you for the role you played in her recovery.

Dr. Lynda Brogdon, Founder of Canopy Cove Eating Disorder Treatment Center has 25 years’ experience providing treatment to those with Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge Eating Disorder, and associated Eating Disorders. Below are her suggestions for talking with your daughter.

Schedule a time:

Choose a time to talk when you are calm, not rushed and will not be interrupted. The more you are able to stay composed and centered, the more likely it is that your daughter will be open to listening to you and understand that you truly care and are worried about her health. Be as supportive and kind as you can, but be clear in your concern.

Plan to approach her privately when there is enough time to seriously discuss the issue. 

Prepare:

Write down what you might say ahead of time. Choose 3-5 key points and share them during your talk. You don’t have to follow your notes perfectly, but it helps you to focus and stay on track.

Offer your observations in a caring but direct manner. Try to be as specific as you can regarding your observations and concerns.

Plan how to start.

Something simple like “I have been worried about you because ”, can get the conversation started. Talking directly about your feelings and what you have been noticing is helpful.

Set guidelines for yourself:  Do’s and Don’ts

DO: Choose “concern focused” comments rather than “condemning focused” comments.

Example: Say, I’m concerned about some of the behaviors you are engaging in. Rather than, “You are hurting yourself by bingeing”.

DO: Re-focus the conversation on your concerns and fears and indicate that you do not feel things will change without intervention.

Do express the desire to be of help.

Don’t:

Don’t comment on her weight or appearance.

Don’t get into a power struggle.

Don’t threaten to remove your love or support.

Don’t attempt to shame or blame her in any way.

Don’t offer simple solutions, such as “I wish you would just stop” or “I wish you would just eat”.

Don’t make blanket statements like ‘You have a problem,’ or “You’re ruining your life”

Don’t say anything that will make your daughter defensive.

Don’t argue with your daughter as to whether or not she has an eating disorder – this will not help.

Create a healthy tone for the talk:

Ensure that any comments you are about to make come from a place of concern and love.  Before your talk, develop a healthy tone for your talk by asking yourself the following questions.

• What do I want my daughter to think? (i.e. Recovery from an Eating Disorder is possible).
• What do I want my daughter to feel? (i.e. I want her to feel supported and loved)
• What do I want my daughter to do? (i.e. I want my daughter to agree to discuss her situation with an Eating Disorder Specialist; I want her to consider seeking treatment)

Plan for the “expected”

Plan how you will end your talk. i.e. I wanted to ask if you would please consider: reading some information and scheduling to talk again, speak to a specialist that I’ve connected with.

Plan and be prepared to take a break if necessary. Be ready with a helpful comment such as “Why don’t we take a break and have some time to process what we’ve talked about and then talk again in 30 minutes, an hour, tomorrow afternoon.”

If “talking” isn’t going well, consider other ways to communicate. Examples include emailing back and forth while in the same room, writing back and forth on a pad of paper.

Important Considerations:

It is very important that loved ones know that those dealing with an Eating Disorder are often “Anosognosic”. This means they are blocked in their own minds from seeing the gravity of the illness or the risk of the behaviors. This condition presents a treatment challenge, but is reversible. With full nutrition and normalized eating and behaviors, the patient can regain self-awareness and engage in therapy to develop insight, motivation and coping skills.

When to intervene? Often a person with an Eating Disorder will be in denial and unable to acknowledge the severity of their situation. When this is the case, their loved ones are confronted with the need to decide if they should remain passive and risk permanent consequences or death, or intervene to persuade their loved one to seek treatment.

Donda Combs

One of the most difficult marriage counseling cases is the one where one of the spouses is dead. Marriages where parties are fighting are still engaging, there is still passion on some level. It is the spouse who is “dead on arrival” when it comes to relating in the marriage that brings a very challenging situation to the counseling room.

If your spouse has recently suggested you look in the obituaries to find your marriage, here are some pointers to give you help and hope.

1). Don’t Chase the Hearse
Understanding how dead your spouse is, will be the first step to bringing a dead marriage back to life. Most spouses receiving the “obituary news” about their marriage are clueless. In general, the live partner is completely unaware that the other person has died. Because of this, the live partner may spend valuable moments doing all the wrong things to revive their partner. Just like any other moments of first response in an emergency and potentially fatal situation, it is those crucial beginning moments that can make or break the situation.

-Would you like to go out for a romantic evening? I’ll even plan it! Really now. Have
you ever drug a corpse around town---a romantic dinner, date to the play, perhaps? How
fun is that? Understand, your spouse is dead. The kind of evening you are now
suggesting would have probably been fine and wonderful and exactly what your “dead
spouse” wanted several years or even decades ago. But now…now that they are dead, as in no pulse beating…to suggest a romantic get-a-way will invoke an angry response from your “dead” mate. A response like this will further cement the realization that you do not know them. Your idea of hearts and flowers is complete invalidation of how they feel.

-Let’s talk and figure out what is wrong with you. OK. Remember. Dead people do not
talk. They don’t listen. They don’t feel. Talking with your “dead spouse” will only
make you angry. Your anger will then be further justification to them that being dead is a very safe place in this marriage.

-Pursuing a dead person will only bring you frustration and pain. Do not waste your
time chasing a spouse who has died in your marriage. They won’t run toward you. They
will stay very stationary, frozen in time. There will be no movement, no baby-steps
towards you, no moments of waltzing or jitterbugging. No sweet “I love you’s”
whispered in your ear.

2). Things Not to Say to a “D.O.A. Spouse”
-“Hurry up and get over this. I need you to snap out of this so I can feel better.”
Remember, dead spouses do not hurry up anything. They don’t snap. They don’t care
how you feel. They are dead and dead people do not respond emotionally or physically,
which brings up another point of something not to say:

-“Let’s have sex.” For the offended, “live person” in the marriage, you will feel an
incredible need to connect in your way that usually works every single time---by making
love. This however is the last thing you would do with a dying person you are giving
C.P.R. to, right? Please don’t think having sex with a dead person will be helpful to
them, the relationship and especially not you.

-“Do you need to get your hormones checked?” or “Have you taken your medication
lately?” A dead person will not respond to medical questions. Asking such questions
only confirms that you do not get how very gone they are.

-“I just want things back like they were,” spoken in a very needy, whiny, tone of voice.
Ok…….grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………this question will invoke a lot of anger in your “dead
spouse.” This is precisely the problem! They will not go back to how things were. They
want life not death and they will not in any way go back to the “old ways.” The old ways
are what resulted in their death. Why would they choose to go back to this place?

Amazing Revelations ~ I Get It!

Something that will begin the heart beat for your spouse again will be for you to “get it.”
Just your simple understanding of how dead they are will be the starting place. When a
loved one dies what is one thing we do? We begin quiet reflection about who that person was. We remember precious moments about their character, their heart. We think about special unique attributes of our lost one that we’ll miss. We ponder their value, we think of the questions we wished we would have asked them.

Just Feed Them Ice Chips and Listen for Each Heartbeat

Examining all the positive things about your spouse and cultivating a desire to “really”
know them will move your spouse from their self-imposed casket to the hospital I.C.U.
unit. It is in the I.C.U. where you tend them and listen to hear their heart beating that you absolutely swear that “if-only” you could have a few more hours, a few more days, just a couple of years, that you would love them in a whole new way.

The Resurrection

Before the resurrection, there may be a lot of pain. Bringing a “dead spouse” back to life
can be one of the most frustrating and scary undertakings (no pun intended) a person might ever do. It is a matter of understanding how desperate your spouse is for you to really know them experientially. It will be both of your journeys to have “new eyes to see” each other and find new ways of connection, communicating and cultivating a life-filled relationship.

Trudy Johnson

A trauma bond is characterized by betrayal that is so purposeful and self-serving it moves to the realm of trauma. Trauma bonds create chains of trust that link a person to someone who is exploitive, dangerous, abusive and or toxic. A person in a trauma bond feels very confused about their relationship, yet they are unable to break free from it.

Here are some characteristics of a Relationship that fits this description of toxic components:

1) Relationship is manipulative and exploitive 
2) Agreements are ill-defined, unclear and tentative 
3) Feelings are anxious and intense 
4) Agreements are short term and difficult to navigate 
5) Trust depends often on exaggerated or unreal promises 
6) Rewards are in the future and often conditional 
7) Risk is often one-sided 
8) Feelings are absent and rewards are minimal

Some examples of trauma bond relationships are situations of sexual abuse or sexually exploited persons. Additionally, many relationships that start out as intimate and life-long can move into a trauma bond. Other instances where trauma bonds may occur are abortion or kidnapping.

There are multiple components to a traumatic relationship like this. If you think you might be in a relationship described above, it is very important that you start seeing the truth of your situation. Being in a trauma bond robs your identity and keeps you locked in a prison that is only survivable by shutting down your emotions and indeed your very internal soul.

See the Truth of Your Situation

There is help and hope available. The first step is to begin to see the truth of your situation. The only antidote to the confusion you might feel is to begin to live in truth. It is hard and frightful at first; however continually asking yourself the "truth of your situation" is the initial question you must begin to explore. You were not created to be in the bondage described above.

Trudy Johnson

Emotions are innate, inborn, natural feelings. Instinctive feelings such as love or fear. Instinctive according to the Oxford Dictionary – “immediate insight or understanding without conscious reasoning”.

Emotion is a inner response caused by some contact by way of touch, taste, see hear or smell, the five senses. Some experience highs and lows in their emotions, some are able to describe and communicate it to others, and yet there are some who cannot .

Emotions are strange, we may have days when we feel we are powerful and can conquer the world. Then there are other days when we may be overwhelmed and overcome my emotions that we cannot even explain. Many times we might want to trace when and where it came from and are unable to, this might lead to frustration which in turn might cause one to react to others in an offensive manner.

How can we deal with these emotions. We hear a lot about dysfunctional homes and being brought up in a dysfunctional family makes us question if our feelings are considered normal. In other words (is it OK to feel the way I feel). The focus is not that feeling is wrong it is the expression and the attitude that might be the problem. The feeling is on the inside and is acknowledged and becomes evident when expressed. There are different types of emotions, one being anger. If the person experiencing the anger does not acknowledge there is anger suppresses it, this can be internalized and manifest itself into a physical problem and or shows up as depression, which is internalize anger. Our emotions also has to be expressed in a socially acceptable manner or else there can be consequences for our unacceptable behavior.

Behaviors reveal our underlying makeup. Some 0f us are able to control our behavior and show up what is supposed to be acceptable, but under stress our true self is shown up. Under stress ones guard is let down and exposure comes. When one is in control and able to suppress emotion this emotion has to go somewhere. This might express itself in a form of illness. Suppressed emotions causes one to walk in denial and the underlying issue is not dealt with. The issues do not go away, they are covered up and get infested. This leads to physical illness or outburst of anger which can also lead to other symptoms in the body.

Our emotions often express how we feel on the inside but many times we waver in our thoughts not sure if it is OK to feel the way we do and the enemy comes in and whisper lies which causes us to think the emotions we are experiencing is wrong. The cycle starts when we deny our feelings and believe the lie. Confusion will come in which usually stems from fear.

Something may have happened, causes pain, denial causes one to suppress pain. May be suppressed by certain behavior, excessive eating, drinking, drugs, spending, excessive work, gambling, cheating, lying. This produces guilt, fear, anger. We get discouraged and start thinking of something in the past that will reinforce the guilt and causes our thoughts to be captivated with negativity of who we are.

When there is warfare in the mind there are various kinds of imagination going on such as people talking against you, nobody loves you, etc. This is the tactic of the enemy to create division and pull you away.

Remember this all started from an innate feeling which was suppressed and not dealt with. It leads to unhealthy response in the body.

One of the keys to maintaining healthy emotion is the way to healing is acknowledging your feeling. Learn to turn things over to God. You must be truthful to yourself as to how you really feel so you can turn it over to God. Truth is reality. The reality is when you hurt there is pain. To suppress pain is not facing the truth.

We have guidelines for our behavior which is written in the word of God.
II Corinthians 10-13

“For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin, no matter how it comes or where it leads) has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man (that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear). But God is faithful (to His Word and His compassionate nature), and He (can be trusted) not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will (always) also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable strong and powerful bear up under it patiently” (Amplified Bible)

Put the situations in the Hands of the Lord and Trust Him. Do not fear. The opposite of fear is faith.

Spirituality permeates all aspects of wellness and the change process on the path to wellness. On our journey to obtain spiritual wellness we find that it is akin to having a spiritual imbalance. Whether spirituality is sought within or out of religion, it is the most central discovery in pursing optimum well-being. Spiritual wellness meets our need to experience joy and purpose in this life. When we allow ourselves to embrace the change process we will still have life stressors but we can learn how to welcome them into our lives with the help of a Health and Wellness Coach.

Change is a natural part of life and will be a certainty in most of our lives in our uncertain future. Change is often unforeseen or expected. It may be highly disruptive, startling, have minimal impact, out of control, easily controlled, continuing, or it may even be resisted. How you handle change depends in part on your personality, life stressors, or prior experience in dealing with change. When a life-threatening illness affects our body or when a marriage disintegrates, there may be an overreaction that leads to responses that may be regretted later. On the other hand, changes like these may be denied because you avoid facing the changing reality for as long as you can.

Spirituality is an innate characteristic and so ever present in our lives. Spirituality propagates our personal drive for wholeness. In its healthy state it is not static and embraces change. On the other hand, wellness comes from maintaining balance within our body. This is illustrated by us living a balanced or harmonious lifestyle. Humans have an innate need to feel and be loved thus making love a physiological and social construct. Having an awareness of God's love for us releases these ingredients that support the body in nurturing personal growth, spiritual wellness, and its natural healing properties.

Our maintaining an intimate relationship with God keeps us in that healthy space that supports our vitality and our mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness. Looking at our biochemical nature indicates how our connection to the ultimate expression of Love is the most wellness-producing source we have. Obtaining spiritual wellness is akin to accepting the life stressor event and to hold the belief that we hold the power to change; not the experience but our reaction to it.

It is well-known that optimum wellness may only be found in a close relationship with God. This enables the Health and Wellness Coach to develop your strengths by using spiritual assessment tools in addition to working on issues with scripture/affirmations. This facilitates the development of a spiritual history that fosters spiritual values that helps you handle stress and cope with illness or other life demands. We must remember God's purpose for our lives; "... to give them a rich and satisfying life" (John10:10). The Health and Wellness Coach plays an important role in helping you to overcome, enrich, and empower your lives. Working towards spiritual wellness is to exemplify the opposite essence of what you thought you knew, Love. To accomplish this, the Health and Wellness Coach would educate you about the body being valued as the temple of God. Since the body is a relational tool, it must be disciplined because it affects our spiritual well-being "Physical training is good, but training for godliness is much better, promising benefits in this life and in the life to come" (1 Timothy 4:8).

The paramount focus of moving towards spiritual wellness is maintaining balance in your life. One example is the three year ministry of Jesus Christ. Jesus definitely lived a balanced life. His life illustrates how he ministered to others, interacted with people, spent much time in prayer and worship. He seemed to walk everyplace. Jesus rested and even relaxed with friends. Not only did He have purpose in his life, He sought God's help with daily life stressors. Jesus practiced self-care by tending to His spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional needs that represents true balance.

In conclusion, signs of spiritual wellness are manifested when you live according to spiritual teachings. By following these truths, you will still experience pain and misery but it will be essential to your growth. You will finally experience an abundant life. By relying on infinite wisdom, you will learn how to fast, relax, pray, exercise, eat right, and develop a balanced lifestyle. God loves us and has promised those who lovingly serve him rest that equates with you having optimum mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness. This infers that there is no true rest from life stressors outside of God's presence. It must be remembered that the expression of Love is intended to change people who in turn are to change their worlds that will impact the world.

Spirituality begins to manifest the day we are born or, some believe, in the womb. The circumstances we are born into and the nurturing of our parents determines, in part, when and how our spirituality will manifest. If we are brought up in homes filled with violence, addiction and abuse, our spirit becomes handicapped and we learn instead how to survive. Health and happiness come from harmony within the body. So, you might ask, what would that represent? And I say love. You say, well that's a nice emotional word and all that. But, actually love becomes physiological. The sensation of love releases all the chemicals that provide for the growth and maintenance and health of the body. So the matter of being in love keeps us in a chemical environment that supports our vitality and our growth. Love becomes biochemistry. And the biochemistry of love is the most health-promoting, growth-promoting chemistry that you can have.

While empathy is something that almost all human beings process, not all humans practice the full breadth and expression of their spiritual essence Many people believe the world to be a frightening, negative and even be a physically and spiritually bleak place. It makes them operate from a place of being constantly on guard and defensive. This is especially true of victims of domestic violence who have and or are suffering from having endured some unspeakable heinous crimes often inflicted by their own families. Great suffering, especially endured over long periods of time, manifests itself as illness, dysfunction, violence, self-harm and addiction. The only healing that can calm suffering is an essential acceptance of what happened and an inherent belief that you hold the power to change not your experience but your reaction to it. The role one plays in helping women to heal, overcome, self-empower and enrich their lives is to embody the essence of the opposite of what they know, compassion.

To accomplish this, one must be committed to a life of spiritual being and be the example of the change they wish to invoke in others. Spiritual fitness, above all, is the skill one must always seek to hone. Stanford University CARE Foundation is at the forefront of a growing movement to bring the tools of psychology and neuroscience to the study of empathy, compassion and altruism. Stanford psychologist, Philip Zimbardo, works to brainstorm projects and programs centered on compassion, of which Zimbardo calls "the highest personal virtue." "My goal is to better understand how to transform compassion into heroic action, and to educate the general public, especially children, how to be wise and effective 'everyday heroes'," he said. And what skill could be more vital to cultivate than compassion when working with women? This is our window to reconnecting with self, others, and the universe - my definition of spirituality. Everyone has a spiritual core that must be filled.

My approach is to help heal the whole person. Incorporating spiritual techniques that introduce the concept of mind and body awareness shows how we can change how we think and feel. It strongly borrows from the idea that how we think affects our physical reality and that thinking positive thoughts can alter our physical reality.

Just as surely as positive thoughts can heal, negative ones - including the belief we are susceptible to an illness or have been exposed to a toxic condition-can actually manifest the undesired realities of those thoughts. In the words of Wayne Dyer, "you must understand that you control your thoughts, you control your chemistry, and if you learn to change your thoughts your reality will change." No matter how bad you feel, no matter what has happened to you, you can change your feelings. Your feelings and emotions come from your thoughts and can be controlled by your thoughts. How you feel should never be an excuse for how you behave, for why you do things. By changing the way we think, our reality changes, our mental health improves, and our spiritual essence comes to realize our fullest potential.

An Intimacy Disorder is a personality style and/or adopted behavioral pattern that fails to support the progressive healthy deepening of an interpersonal relationship. Put more simply, having trouble getting or staying close to others. Intimacy Disorders can be categorized into four common forms: Sexual Anorexia, Love Avoidance, Love Addiction, and Sexual Addictions. Let’s briefly introduce each form, look at some common patterns, and learn what you can do if you need help in recovering from any of these destructive disorders.

Sexual Anorexia

The International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (IITAP) website defines sexual anorexia as “an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one’s life.” Even within the diagnosis of Sexual Anorexia, there are several variations within this form of Intimacy Disorder, such as, Binge & Purging Type, where the anorexic bounces between total abstention and hyper active sexual consumption. Untreated Sexual Anorexics have a very difficult time maintaining quality long term relationships. Some common experiences for the sexually anorexic include:

• A dread of sexual pleasure
• A morbid and persistent fear of sexual contact
• Obsession and hyper vigilance around sexual matters
• Avoidance of anything connected with sex
• Preoccupation with others being sexual
• Distortions of body appearance
• Extreme loathing of body functions
• Obsessive self-doubt about sexual adequacy
• Rigid, judgmental attitudes about sex
• Excessive fear and preoccupation with sexual diseases
• Obsessive concern or worry about the sexual activity of others
• Shame and self-loathing over sexual experiences
• Depression about sexual adequacy and functioning
• Self-destructive behavior to limit, stop, or avoid sex

As listed on the IITAP website sexhelp.com

Very common, but not always the case, with Anorexics is a history of trauma and/or toxic relationships with one or more parent.

Love Avoidance

While the classic image of the Love Avoidant is the stereotypical “bachelor for life” persona, like Charlie Sheen’s character in Two and a Half Men. Love Avoidants seek to control the frequency and intensity of emotional connection with their partners. The goal of the Avoidant is to try and balance their conscious fear of being smothered with their unconscious fear of being abandoned. The result is a pattern of seeking closeness followed by a pulling away or distancing. This is common with Avoidants and serves to diminish the feelings of trust and security between the partners, blocking the healthy development of the relationship.

Pia Mellody, one of the leading authorities on Love Avoidance and Love Addiction, lists three characteristics of the Love Avoidant:

• Love Avoidants evade intensity within relationships by creating intensity in activities (usually addictions) outside the relationship
• Love Avoidants avoid being known in the relationship in order to protect themselves from engulfment and control by the other person
• Love Avoidants avoid intimate contact with their partners using a variety of “distancing techniques.”

Very common, but not always the case, with Love Avoidants is a history of intense relationships that don’t last and/or “on again-off again” relationship patterns.

Love Addiction

Similar to the plight of the Love Avoidants who seek to balance the fears of being smothered and abandoned, Love Addicts fear struggle is between abandonment and unfamiliarity with healthy relationship. The fear of abandonment keeps the Love Addict in a relationship that is unhealthy, even abusive. The lack of familiarity with healthy relationship patterns produces high anxiety for Addicts when they come close to healthy relationships. The Addict often selects an unhealthy partner to avoid contact with this anxiety or panics and creates a hurtful event that demands a distancing response from their partner.

Pia Mellody describes major symptoms of Love Addicts:

• Love Addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time and attention on their partner.
• Love Addicts have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from their partner.
• Love Addicts neglect to care for themselves while in a relationship.

And just like their counterpart, the Love Avoidant, it is very common for the Love Addict to have a history of intense relationships that don’t last and/or “on again-off again” relationship patterns.

Sex Addiction

Probably the most common form of Intimacy Disorders is Sexual Addiction. Just as the Sexual Anorexic’s primary task is the avoiding sex, the Sex Addict represents the opposite side of the scale and is driven to consume sex.

IITAP defines and describes sexual addiction as:

Any sexually-related, compulsive behavior that interferes with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one’s work environment. Sexual addiction has also been called hyper-sexuality, sexual dependency and sexual compulsivity. By any name, it is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates the addict’s life. Sexual addicts make sex a priority over family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the governing principle of an addict’s life. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior. No single behavior pattern defines sexual addiction. These behaviors can take control of addicts’ lives and become unmanageable. Common behaviors include, but are not limited to compulsive masturbation, compulsive heterosexual and homosexual relationships, pornography, prostitution, exhibitionism, voyeurism, indecent phone calls, and anonymous sexual encounters. Even the healthiest forms of human sexual expression can turn into self-defeating behaviors.

And just like their counterpart, the Anorexic, it is very common for the Sex Addict to have a history of trauma and/or toxic relationships with one or more parent.

What can you do if you think you have an Intimacy Disorder?

If you have experienced patterns similar to one of the disorders discussed, it is reasonable to seek the help of a mental health practitioner that is familiar with treating Intimacy Disorders. When selecting help ask the practitioner about their experience and training in treating these disorders. Do internet research to verify that your practitioner has good standing with an organization that focuses on ongoing research, training and treatment of sexual disorders, such as the oldest group dedicated to sexual health, SASH (Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health) started by Patrick Carnes or IITAP, developers of cutting edge research, training, and assessment tools, such as the 500+ question SDI-R (Sexual Dependence Inventory) also founded Patrick Carnes.

There is a good chance that treating your disorder will not be a brief process, especially if there has been prolonged exposure to trauma, including neglect. You might expect at least a dozen weekly sessions followed by ongoing less frequent visits to your therapist’s office over the following months or even years. Remember, Intimacy Disorders develop and strengthen over time, often with roots that can be traced back to childhood, so allow yourself time to work toward achieving a progressively more healthful and deep interpersonal relationship.

Roy Rawers

Learning about your spouse’s infidelity can be emotionally and physically devastating. The emotional damage is reflected in what some mental health professionals call Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD), for the stress and emotional turmoil experienced afterward.

In Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), re-experiencing the trauma repeatedly is the first of three categories of symptoms described. The disorder is marked by flashbacks of war for veterans, nightmares of the accident for car wreck survivors, and painful memories of abuse for survivors of intra-familial trauma.

So too, in PISD husbands and wives will replay the painful realization of betrayal. Even after the initial fall-out, people will have recurring thoughts of their partner with another.

Psychologist and certified sex therapist, Barry Bass, adds, “Like trauma victims, it is not unusual for betrayed spouses to replay in their minds previously assumed benign events,” those times when their spouse became defensive when asked a simple question, or the late nights at work, or the text messages from unnamed friends, all of these become viewed as possible deceitful acts.

The second category of symptoms for PTSD, avoidance and emotional numbing, is seen in PISD as well. Rage or despair that comes after the initial shock of discovering the infidelity can be followed by a state of emotional hollowness. Formerly pleasurable activities lose their appeal. Those who were cheated on sometimes withdraw from friends and family and describe feelings of emptiness.

The last category of PTSD symptoms, hyper-vigilance and insomnia, can also arise for those dealing with infidelity. Sleep patterns become erratic; and concentration becomes a challenge, affecting work performance and family life.

PISD can have physical consequences as well as emotional ones. The stress of discovering infidelity can lead to what has been dubbed broken heart syndrome, also termed stress cardiomyopathy. The American Heart Association describes symptoms such as sudden chest pain, leading to the sense that one is having a heart attack. Physical or emotional stressors, such as a loved one passing or major surgery trigger a surge of stress hormones that temporarily affect the heart. The condition typically reverses within a week.

Despite the stress, there is life after an affair. Due to the symptomatic similarities, therapists are now beginning to use PTSD counseling techniques to help couples either stay together or move on.

Counselors use these “trauma focused” explorations with clients, sifting through the distressing memories and aversive feelings, to help build the client’s self-esteem and confidence in dealing with the betrayal or loss of the relationship.

Therapists are also working with their clients to help them understand the unique reasons that led to the infidelity. Understanding why the affair occurred can help both people.

Sonya Randall

The Struggles Of Military Marriage: Maintaining Your Trust 

The beginning of your marriage is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. You most likely enjoyed a beautiful wedding, possibly even a wonderful honeymoon. However, as a military couple, it’s possible that the reality of your marriage set in much sooner than other couples, and before long, the “honeymoon phase” was over.

While you knew you would have different struggles as a military couple, it can feel all-encompassing at times. There are long days spent apart while your spouse is in training. During deployments, you sometimes have to spend months apart from each other, which is difficult for both of you. It’s understandable that many military couples – even Christian military couples – struggle with issues of trust. Perhaps you’ve been dealing with trust issues in your marriage too. If so, there are a few things you can do that might help.

INVEST IN YOUR MARRIAGE 

When you’re not together as much as you would like to be, it can be easy for the two of you to pay less attention to your marriage until you’re together again. This can cause resentment, and it also increases the probability of being susceptible to giving into temptation. Talk with your spouse and find out what you can do to help him or her feel more secure in the marriage. It might be writing letters frequently, or sending a daily email. It might be weekly telephone calls or video chats. When you invest in your marriage, you’re showing your spouse that even though this is a difficult season when you have to be apart, your marriage and your spouse are still very important to you.

PRAY AND READ A DEVOTIONAL TOGETHER 

While you probably don’t get much time to talk to your spouse during deployments, use the time you do have to talk wisely. God brought you together, and when He did, He blessed your marriage. Praying and reading a Christian devotional together, even over the phone, will help you stay connected to each other. You will also be putting God in the center of your marriage, which will make your relationship even stronger.  We recommend Night Light by James & Shirley Dobson or Moments Together for Couples by Dennis & Barbara Rainey

TALK WITH A CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE COACH AND COUNSELOR 

You may have hesitated to talk with a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor in the past because you weren’t sure if a counselor could help you in your unique situation. However, here at the Beaufort Center for Marriage, we’re accustomed to helping married military couples, and we provide honest, Biblically-sound counseling and coaching. Sometimes it helps to talk with an unbiased third party who can help you restore any lost trust, and renew the love and passion that you once had for your marriage. You’ll grow closer as a couple, and your level of intimacy within your marriage will only get stronger.

As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor who enjoys working with military couples, I pray that you will find strength in reaching out to a professional for the help you need for your marriage. Along with God’s help and God’s love, I would love to partner together with you to help make your marriage the absolute best it can be. I love helping couples rediscover their love for each other as a Christian Marriage Counselor here in Beaufort, SC.

Once you make the decision to restore the trust in your marriage, you’ll find that you’re able to navigate the difficult times more easily – even as a military couple.

Dr. Carol Erb

Is Your Spouse Having an Emotional Affair?

Most of the time, when we think of an affair, we think of a physical relationship between two people who are not married to each other. However, an emotional affair can be

just as devastating as a physical affair.

Perhaps you’ve suspected that your spouse has been participating in an unusually emotionally intimate relationship with someone, and you’re not sure if you should be concerned. As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor, I’ve worked with many couples in similar situations, and so I would like to offer you a few signs you can look for if you suspect your spouse is having an emotional affair.

A LACK OF COMMUNICATION WITH YOU

One of the signs that your spouse might be having an emotional affair is a change in the way he or she communicates with you. You might notice that your spouse frequently becomes distant, or aloof. Perhaps you once used to share stories of your day, or share jokes with one another, and that just isn’t happening anymore. This lack of communication can even spill over into your physical relationship. The kisses you were used to receiving in the morning might suddenly stop, or your spouse might start to behave differently when the topic of sex comes up.

A SUDDEN CHANGE IN APPEARANCE

Another sign that your spouse might be having an emotional affair is a sudden change in appearance. For example, if you’re a man whose wife hated wearing makeup, and is now suddenly leaving for work every morning wearing all new lipstick and blush, you might suspect an emotional affair with someone at work. If you’re a woman whose husband has abruptly started a vigorous workout routine, and he’s vague about why he’s making the change, it’s wise to probe further to determine whether or not an emotional affair is the reason behind it.

NO MOTIVATION TO WORK ON THE MARRIAGE

One of the signs of a healthy marriage is when both partners are completely dedicated toward working on their relationship. Marriage is a lot of hard work, and when one of you demonstrates a lack of motivation, it should be a signal that something is wrong. Perhaps your spouse seems disinterested in going out on dates with you, or he or she seems to be spending more and more time working instead of coming home for dinner. These are all behaviors that are worth looking into because they indicate a much bigger problem.

If any of these sound familiar to you, it’s possible that your spouse is engaging in an emotional affair. Quite often, these types of affairs are with someone your spouse works with. However, it’s possible that your spouse has friends you don’t know, or that you have only come into contact with on a few occasions.

Either way, finding out that your spouse has been having an emotional affair can really be devastating. If you suspect that he or she is participating in this type of affair, it’s essential for you to get the support you need, as well as the information you need to know how to proceed.

As a Christian Marriage Coach and Counselor here in Beaufort, SC, I have worked with many individuals, as well as couples, who were struggling in their marriages. The right type of Christian support can really make a difference.

While it’s hard to find out your spouse is participating in this type of sinful behavior, when you have the support you need, it can really make a difference. It is my hope that you will reach out for help so that you and your marriage can begin the healing process.

Dr. Carol Erb